by Arlo Guthrie
This song is called Alice's Restaurant and it's about Alice, and the restaurant but Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant, it's the name of the song, and that's why I called this song Alice's Restaurant.
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant. You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant. Walk right in it's around the back. Just a half a mile from the railroad track. You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant.
Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago it's on two years ago on Thanksgiving when my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the restaurant but Alice doesn't live in the restaurant, she lives in the church nearby the restaurant, in the bell-tower, with her husband Ray and Fasha the dog. And livin' in the bell tower since they took out all the pews, they got a lot a room downstairs where the pews used to be in and havin all that room, see'n as they took out all the pews,they decided that they didn't have to take out their garbage for a long time. We got up there found all the garbage, and we figured it'd be a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage down to the city dump.
So we took the half a ton of garbage and put it in the back of a red VW microbus, took shovel's and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on toward the city dump. Well we got there and there was a big sign and a chain across saying closed on thanksgiving. We'd never heard of a dump closed on Thanksgiving before, and with tears in our eyes we drove off into the sunset looking for another place to put the garbage. We didn't find one. Until we came to a side road, and off the side of the side road there was another fifteen foot cliff and at the bottom of the cliff there was another pile of garbage. And we decided one big pile is better than two little piles, and rather than bring that one up we decided to throw ours down. That's what we did, and drove back to the church, had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, went to sleep and didn't get up until the next morning, when we got a phone call from officer Obie. Said "Kid, we found your name on an envelope at the bottom of a half a ton of garbage, and just wanted to know if you had any information bout it". I said "Yes Sir Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope under that garbage." After speaking to Obie for about fourty-five minutes on the telephone we finally came to the truth of the matter and said that we had to go down and pick up the garbage, and also had to go down and speak to him at the police officer's station, so we got in the red VW microbus with the shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and headed on to the police officer's station. Now friends,there was only one or two things Obie coulda done at the police station and the first was he could have given us a medal for being so brave and honest on the telephone, which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it, and the other thing was he could have bawled us out and told us never to be see driving garbage about the vicinity again, which is what we expected, but when we got to the police officer's station there was a third possibility that we hadn't counted upon, and we was both imediately arrested, handcuffed, and I said "Obie, I don't think I can pick up the garbage with these handcuff on.". He said "Shutup kid. Get in the back of the patrol car". And that's what we did, sat in the back of the patrol car and drove to the quote 'Scene of the crime' unquote. I want tell you about the town of Stockbridge Massachusetts where this is all happen here, they got three stop signs,two police officers, and one police car, but when we got to the 'Scene of the crime' there was five police officers and three police cars, being the biggest crime of the last fifty years, and everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it. And they was using up all kinds of cop equipment they had hanging around the police officer's station.They was taking plastic tire track, foot prints, dog smelling prints, and they took twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was to be used in evidence against us. They took pictures of the approach, the getaway, the northwest corner the southwest corner and that's not to mention the aerial photography. After the ordeal, we went back to the jail, Obie said he was going to put us in the cell said "Kid,I'm going to put you in the cell, I want your wallet and your belt." I said "Obie, I can understand you wanting my wallet so I don't have any money to spend in the cell, but why do you want my belt?" and he said "Kid,we don't want any hangings." I said "Obie, did you think I was goingto hang myself for littering?" Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was, cause he took out the toilet seat so I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown, and he took out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars throw out the roll of toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie was making sure, and it was about four or five hours later that Alice, (remember Alice? This is a song about Alice), Alice came by and with a few nasty words to Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail,and we went back to the church, had a another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat, and didn't get up until the next morning, when we all had to go to court. We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, sat down. Man came in said all rise. We stood up, and Obie stood up with the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures and the judge walked in, sat down with the seeing eye dog, and he sat down, we sat down. Obie looked at the seeing eye dog, and then at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, and looked at the seeing eye dog. And then at twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one and began to cry, cause Obie had come to the realisation that this was a typical case of American blind justice,and there wasn't nothing he could do about it, and the judge wasn't going to look at the twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each on explaining what each one was to be used in evidence against us. And we was fined $50 and had to pick up the garbage in the snow, but that's not what I came to tell you about. Came to talk about the draft. We got a building down New York City,it's called Whitehall street where you get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected and selected. I went down and got my physical examination one day, and I walked in, sat down, got good and drunk the night before, so I looked and felt my best when I went in that morning. Cause I wanted to look like the all American kid from New York City, man I to feel like the , I wanted to be the all American kid from New York, and I walked in and I was hungdown, brungdown, hungup, and all kinds o' mean nasty ugly things. And I walked in and sat down and they gave me a piece of paper said "Kid, see the psychiatrist, room 604" I went up there said "Shrink, I want to kill, I wanna I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna to see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, kill, KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin up and down yelling "KILL, KILL", and he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down yelling "KILL, KILL". And the seargent came over pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said "you're our boy". Didn't feel too good about it. Proceeded on down the hall gettin all sorts of injections, inspections, detections, neglections and all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me at the thing there, and I was there two hours, three hours, four hours, I was there for a long time going through all kind's of mean nasty ugly things and I was just having a tough time there and they was inspecting injecting every single part of me, and they was leaving no part untouched. Proceded through. And when I finally came to the see the last man,I walked in,walked in sat down after a whole big thing there, I walked up and said "what do you want." "Kid, we ony got one question. Have you ever been arrested?" And I proceeded to tell him the story of Alices Restaurant Massacre,with full orchestration and five part harmony and stuff like that and suddenly he stoped me right there and said "Kid,did you ever go to court?" I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty-seven eight-by-ten colour glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one, and he stoped me right there and said "Kid, I want you to go and sit down on that bench that says group W .... NOW kid!!". And I walked over to the bench there ,and theres group W, which is where they put you if you may not be moral enough to join the army after committing your special crime, and there was all kinds of mean nasty ugly looking people on the bench there. Mother Rapers. Father Stabbers. Father Rapers! Father Rapers sitting right there on the bench next to me! And they was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible crime-type guys sitting bench next to me. And the meanest nastiest ugliest one, the meanest father raper of them all, was coming over to me and he was mean 'n' nasty 'n' ugly 'n' horrible and all kind of things and he sat down next to me and said "Kid, what ya get?" I said "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay $50 and pick up the garbage." He said "What were you arrested for?" and I said "littering." And they all moved away from me on the bench there,and a hairy eyeball and all kinds of mean nasty things, till I said "And creating a nuisance." They all came back, shook my hand, and we had a great time on the bench, talkin about crime, mother stabbing, father raping all kinds of groovy things that we was talking about on the bench. And everything was fine, we was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of things, until the seargent came over, had some paper in his hand, said. "Kids,this-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences-58-lines we-wanna-know-details-of-the-crime-time-of-the-crime-all-the-things you-gotta-say-things-about-the-crime-arresting-officer's-name-all-the things-you-gotta-say. . .", and talked for fourty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, but we had fun filling out the form and playing with the pencils on the bench there, and I filled out the massacre with the four part harmony, wrote it down there, just like it was, and I put down the pencil,and turned over the piece of paper, and there, there on the other side. . .in the middle of the other side. . .away from everything else on the other side. . .in parentheses. . .capital letters...quotated. . .read the following words: "Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?" I went over to the the seargent said "Seargent,you got a lot a damn gall to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I'm just sittin here, sittin on the group W bench cause you want to know if I'm moral enough join the army to burn women, kids, houses and villages after bein a litterbug." He looked at me said "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints off to Washington." And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm singing you this song now is cause you may know somebody in a similar situation, or you may be in a similar situation,and if you're in a situation like that there's only one thing you can do and that's walk into the shrink wherever you are, just walk in say "Shrink, you can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant." And walk out. You know,if one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony, they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them. And three people, three, can you imagine, three people walking in singing a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out? They may think it's an organization. And can you imagine fifty people a day,I said fifty people a day walking in singing a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. And friends they may thinks it's a movement. And that's what it is, the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, and all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar. With feeling. So we'll wait for it to come around on the guitar, here and sing it when it does. Here it comes. You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant. You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant. Walk right in it's around the back, Just a half a mile from the railroad track, You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant. That was horrible. If you want to end war and stuff you got to sing loud. I've been singing this song now for twenty five minutes. I could sing it for another twenty five minutes. I'm not proud...or tired. So we'll wait till it comes around again, and this time with four part harmony and feeling. We're just waitin' for it to come around is what we're doing. All right now. You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant "excepting Alice" You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant Walk right in it's around the back, Just a half a mile from the railroad track, You can get anything you want, at Alice's Restaurant At Alice's Restaurant.