november 22

just when you think nothing is real, that everyone is just faking it to get by in life, that the mundanity is to thick to ever hope for escape, something has to go and break it up, show you the grander picture, maybe even give ya some hope.

ya, sure, it's dramatic, but what ya gonna do in an otherwise fairly banal situation.

it was several things, really... my little shots of reality. first it was a set of short scenes that i went to see yesterday, written by students. one was on street kids, drifters, punks, stuff i couldn't really connect with. they deal with death, the random philosophies of a tormented and outcast mind, desires, dreams, pain. i sometimes sat back and thought, "well shit, if it takes real suffering to come closer to truth, then i guess i'm out of luck... i've never truly suffered, or at least not like this. i'm small-time." kinda sucks to think that, cuz it's not the only answer... pain is not the only thing to help you know you're alive.

after this warm up of sorts, chuck and i swept thru ml, looking for anyone to go to the movies with... we happened upon chip, and as we pealed on out of town we scanned the sidewalks for anyone we might grab and bring with us.. a certain free fun in randomnimity. we saw "the siege"... no starwars episode i trailor, but it was definitely not your average action movie. things exploded for a reason. it was about terrorism in new york city... how americans would deal with martial law, and the politics and ideals of arab culture.. the religious faith, "the most committed wins", the history of pain. camps where people are held, no rights, and the captures don't care. those contained are somehow made strong, made real by the inhumanity of the others. i tried to think about what it would be like to be held like that, and i couldn't do it. it was too sad, too real. i can't even imagine it. i have never not been free.

then today i went to see more scenes, directed by students. once again they were so real, so full of rage and fear and hopelessness and arrogance and cruelty and joy and sex and death and fear. i mean, we were able to laugh through them, but most people came out going wow. it's hard to go up to a friend and really tell them that you truly enjoyed what they had given you, that it had meant something, that you're not just being nice. they had shown you a bit of reality, a bit of another life you'll probably never experience, or experience every day and thought you were alone in. cuz life isn't something that you're out of in four years, where your actions don't really matter. as a friend once said, "wherever you go, there you are." no shit, but he's right.

after all this i still believe that it is possible to be real, to come to learn truth, without perenial suffering and pain. sometimes things can be easy, simple even, happy... not always, but sometimes, and not never.

then we all watched x-files, and there were long tracking shots, where the camera didn't cut away, and we saw the stuff you don't normally see... walking down hallways, waiting in the elevator, the rise and fall of emotions... even tv was being real! then i went over to martine's house, saw students chilling on a sunday night in a dark room watching a random movie, havin fun. kind like how i remember parts of senior year in high school... no cares, living, being as free or contained as we wanted to be... not knowin quite what we'd wake up to the next day. i know there's a point in here somewhere.. maybe i'll figure it out sometime...

and all tonight i've had this excrutiating pain in my neck... i hate to take painkillers, but i pooped three bufferin and still it's there... every move, every turn or tilt of my head and i hurt... i want more than anything to understand where the hell it came from so that i can get rid of it... i get all dramatic and rip my shirts off to get a massage cuz it hurts so much, and i apologize to people for moving so weird... i'm in great pain. all other concerns are gone... yet i go on living, trying to work, washing my tevas, writing email, writing this... i writhe in little ways, and i guess this is another bit of reality... my body is not invincible, nor understandable, nor very happy right now. sleep may not help. i can't escape it right now. it's pain, and i don't think i'm learning anything from it. it's just pain... it's not making me stronger, it's making me weaker. all i can do is hope that it will be gone in the morning.

11.19 | november | 12.01