october 27

i was hanging in the robotics lab after having given up on our little puppy that knows not how to go towards light and avoid osbtacles and follow walls. we'd been talking about one guy's friends, how they're all very much straight, which he finds funny because of his own sexual orientation.

my fleeting comment, refering to straights: "oh yeah, that extremist group..."
and all of a sudden i was wrapped in a huge hug from another friend. she knows i'm straight, and rather blatantly so, but it's the first time i've ever been made to feel actively good about this fact, not like some horrible member of an oppressive majority.

so yes, i am straight.

it is not so much pride as it is truth, something that i have figured out about myself.

and it's not like i haven't had the chance to consider it... my freshman year at boarding school i was constantly fending off attacks from the jocks who liked to use the rubric of gay taughts to get to me. at first i defended myself purely from the fact that i was being attacked, then i realized what they were saying, and when i realized it wasn't true, it bothered me less. i knew they didn't know me at all.

college is much more different from high school, and especially the conservative boarding school i went to where gays are just now becoming visible. i admit it took getting used to here, a freedom that people have to be themselves, which was a pleasant change for me.

i once dated a girl who is bi, and one of the reasons we were good together was because i didn't care. she gave me a certain insight into the life of someone who is bi... it's not true that you have more options for someone to date ;) she told me how she hated being catagorized because then she would be limited in subtle ways, expected to be a certain way. with me she was who she was.

people in the past have wondered as to my sexuality, perhaps because it's not something i feel i have to wear on my sleeve. it's a personal thing.

so i guess this can lead to my current relationship, which is going rather nicely... we dance well together ;) we went swing dancing the other night and i had the best time with her... when we got up to speed we were right on, and there's something about the movement of two bodies that, when it somehow works right, is wonderfully beautiful. we got pretty close to that sometimes. all that matters is that we were always laughing...

10.17 | october | 11.04