july 19

i took my brother to the airport after a day at muir beach. i'd given him a corona because he'd had beer before, and because my aunt had given me one when i was out in california and 17 years old. on the drive out we talked about random things and i had to keep myself from apologizing for all the swearing my roommates had subjected him to. he actually handled them better than i do sometimes, laughed at himself better.

i miss seeing that guy. if it wasn't for boarding school we would have spent more time just goofing around and getting to really know eachother, and now we both see what we've missed and are almost more conscious of trying to spend more time together. we're very different people, but sometimes he's the only one i can trust to support me.

driving back from the airport i stopped to get cheap gas and a black man with friendly eyes came up to me as i was getting out of the car, asking me for two dollars to let him pump my gas. i pulled out my wallet to check if i had it (a stupid thing to do, i guess) and didn't, so i went inside to pay the cashier and get some change. i looked over my shoulder to see if he was rooting thru my car, out of late night suspicion, but he wasn't and i went back out. i insisted i pump my gas, even after giving him the two bucks, and in a pretty normal voice he asked if i was afraid, if i thought he was going to cut me up into little pieces. i said no, that if i was afraid i wouldn't have let him pump the gas. i guess i was a little frightened, a man desperate for cab fair, not wanting to be denied, asking me the simple parts of my life (religion, origin) so that he could get close, get another dollar or a ride. i smiled and gave him short answers, being distant and feeling crappy but justified in doing so. eventually he shook my hand and let me get back into the safety of my car.

i was a little shaken, ya, and it was the first time i'd really had to deal with anything like that. it made me wonder if i really like living in a city. it could have been worse, he could have grabed my wallet or hurt me, any number of acts that a human is capable of when desperate, but he didn't. at the time i didn't see him as capable of anything other than what he said he was gonna do. being trusting can be as dangerous as it is rewarding. needless to say i probably won't go out alone late at night for a while.

when i was almost home a cop decided to follow me down mlk blvd almost all the way to my cross street, just to make sure i wasn't racing around and endangering the 12:30am pedestrians. chuck and cherie were asleep on the floor of our little apartment home, waiting for me to return safe or perhaps just fallen into a carefree slumber.

07.18 | july | 07.23