Box 'o' fun

"we're caught in a trap, can't walk out, because i love you too much baby, yeah..why can't you say, what you mean to me, well i cannot believe in what you're saying. we can't go on together, with suspicious minds, and we can't build our dreams, on suspicious love"

unraveled

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   I'm got this feeling in my stomach..this aching feeling, like i need something, like if i don't get what i want, i'm not gonna be happy. but the thing is, i don't know what i want. I dont' know what it is right now that will make me feel better. It's not steve , it's not any long distance friends, its not food..i don't know what it is..i think i'm kinda depressed at the fact that i don't know if i'll ever be able to feel better again..and my dad guarantees this stomach thing will go away over time..but..i keep thinking: "what if it doesn't?"..i don't want to live life like this for the rest of my life..and this feeling hit when my parents got home..there must be a connection there..i was so relaxed while they were gone..even when i was scared, i was still relaxed..

   I'm the type of person who doesn't like to show emotion..like i do..but by myself..but lately i don't even want to show it to myself. I don't want to cry..there's no reason for me to be crying...i've got everything..honestly the only thing bothering me right now besides my stomach is my weight..and because i don't feel well, i can't exercise and its hurting me more..i hate the feeling of my jeans getting tighter..i hate the feeling of feeling unattractive around steve..as much as he may tell me i'm attractive, i won't believe it until i see it. i feel gross. i can't stomach anything lately..except like sugar and carbohydates..

  today all i ate was squash seeds (they're really good), some chai tea flavored soy milk, marshmallows out of the lucky charms, and bread...yeah i'm so unhealthy, and i have no color and i have no energy and i feel like crap. sucks to be me i guess. funny how i have EVERYTHING going for me, except because i'm always sick and in pain, i can't really enjoy it. 

  and i feel like crying for no reason..but maybe thats because i get like this when i have my period..i feel so gross..bleh.

   anyway i didn't have to work today..cause of the snow..SO much of it..So my dad called at 10 to wake me up and told me to look outside..i did and then i went back to sleep..until 10:20 when my boss called and told me he didn't need me there today..and then i went back to sleep until like 12:30 when Ricky called again..he was on a bus from ohio to michigan and he felt like calling me. it was sweet but i wanted to sleep..and then jen called..and by that time i didn't feel like getting up and going to that modeling for plus size teens convention. (yes, i wouldn't consider myself plus sized..but in the modeling world, size 8 and up is plus sized)..and seeing as how i'm 8/10..then i could be considered..but i don't need that added stress and most of the time it ends up going nowhere..

   by the way, everyone who signed the guestbook and said that i inspired them to write.., thank you:)i mean, i don't see my writing as anything special. i know plenty of people who would consider it cliché (and fuck them too, but yes its their opinion)..but i'm not doing it for them. Jason Casey asked me why i have to write on the internet for everyone to see...and i'm not writing for you guys, even though i know plenty of people read it...i've wanted to do this before it was hugely popular...when anna started like 3 years ago, it was just starting out..online journaling wasn't the fad..i would have started then, but i never had the patience to learn how to make a webpage until now...but thanks tina for putting me into that thug phaze..and to jen too..cause she helped play a part in that too..hehe..

  hmm..steve is online and has been for over half an hour but we haven't IMed each other..i told him last night that he knows how to make me pine for him..and he knew that he knew..don't think i don't know that smirk, cause i do..so i'm not giving in and IMing..ha! i'm standing my ground...for however long i can hold up..which isn't long..

   god i'm loving this "take your clothes off" music..

  Jon and I have been emailing back and forth about the fact that theres a real problem where he lives of anti-Semitism..that's really not cool..and he doesn't know what to do, cause left and right there's always someone saying something against jews...i honestly don't know what to tell him..i am really suprised that living in a small town i don't hear it that much..if ever..except for that one time really..i feel like most guys that i ended up "talking" to last year who were interested, were kinda intrigued by it....ehh iono..

  okay. um. there's this thing on TV- its a movie called "failsafe" and its in black and white and it  has famous people, and its LIVE. ooohhh---ahhhhh..but anyway, i think its kinda crappy..everytime i turn around to watch it, i see a mess up or bad potrayals..its just not something i'd want to be watching..

  yup. i gave in. he's busy doing scholarship stuff. motivation. that's what he has. god i need some of that....