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Box
'o' fun
listening to: my "p.o.girl soundtrack"
eating: nothing-tummy ache talking
to: just finished talking to jen missing: steve.
i'm not denying it. reading:nothing thinking:
i give in so easily to him..but i care so much that i can't hold back trying:
to finish this quick to get a decent amount of sleep feeling::
worried.
wanting:to go back a week and fix things in a
different way..
wearing: jeans and a t-shirt.
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7:30 p.m.
i really fucked up this weekend. alcohol is so bad for the stomach..and considering how weak mine is, it burned me really bad..i'm still recovering and my stomach still feels like someone scratched it raw..and i still feel hungover..i got up to go to school and i was all ready and then i felt a twinge in my stomach and i ran and threw up. my parents wouldn't let me go and i spent the morning lying on the couch..i think they are pretty pissed..
anyway-i burned a CD for me and jen today. it's our thug CD..and i was dancing around in my room and listening to it and singing a long and then "anywhere" by 112 came on..and i just sat down on my bed and cried(its got such a sentimental value to me with steve). It was the first time i really cried over this..to myself..with noone on the other side of the phone. i let all the tears that i've let build up, out. And i think i'm done..for now..at least..
8:36 p.m.
oh god. as if i needed this like a fucking hole in my head. My parents just bitched me out over the fact that since i was sick today, i didn't use my car, and my brother needed a car and he could have had one down in montrose. I was so not in the mood..they don't believe how sick i really am. its not like i chose to have this..It wouldn't have been so bad if i had taken off in the beginning of the year and not dragged myself through school when i had mono..and was really sick from it (i was even hospitalized)..i never took a day off because of it..and it came down a week before school started..it fucked up my whole system and its so weak..
i keep telling them i need to switch doctors..that my doctor doesn't give a shit anymore..and they are like "he does"..but when i once went for a physical, he was all nice like usual, until he asked the question "are you sexually active" and i was like "yes"..and his whole tone changed..and ever since he has really changed..i know he's been my doctor since i was 8..so its probably not something he approved of..but when he asked if i was on birth control and i said no..it all went downhill..and he was snotty and like "why?" and i was like "because i can't take that pill..cause of blood clotting"..and i swear he's changed..and my parents are like "what are you talking about?" and of course i can't tell him why i think my doctor doesn't care anymore. So i'm switching to a doctor up here and in the next week or so, whenever my dad talks to one of them..i will be getting a tube put down my throat to see whats really wrong with my stomach. i think its called an endoscopy.
Well all the shit hit the ceiling tonight..and when i stood up for myself (which i'm good at doing)..my dad hit me so hard and i just screamed at him saying "i'm not fucking 12 so don't you ever hit me again" and he hit me ever harder and said "i'll fucking make you 12 and you'll never see 19"...yeah..great..maybe now they can understand why i'm sick..all this stress and yelling at me makes me even worse.
as if i didn't have a hard enough week..my first thought was that i just needed to call steve and hear steve's voice and he can make me feel better. but i fucking can't. he's not my boyfriend and he doesn't have to deal with this anymore. i'm sure he doesn't want to hear it. and i think jen's working..and i've bothered her enough this week...
i can only take so much...how strong do i really have to be? how much more am i gonna be thrown to the ground..??
i know i have people to turn to..i'm just so sick of this..i'm so sick of it..i'm sick of being the outsider of my family and they can shove their goddamn republican bullshit views up their asses..i'm sick of feeling like jen is the only one who really gives a shit about me..i'm so sick of having to act 40 when i'm only 18..i'm sick of life..already..how sad is that. i'm sitting here bawling and i'm so hurt. over everything.
i'm so weak..i'm so close to just throwing myself at the next guy who's interested because i need *someone*..i'm not an affectionate person with my family or my friends..i know its so bad..i know its so wrong..i know that i look to guys for affection and approval..its so gone right now..it takes me so long to feel comfortable..and the thought of starting over is fucking killing me..
i am crying so hard right now. (and i'm writing in stream of conscience..so i know its getting repetitive and pathetic)
i'm sorry i put on this facade of being perfect and strong and not giving a damn what people think. most of the time i don't..but lately i do.
i have to learn to deal with my problems myself. I used to be able to do this so well when i was so unpopular and hardly had that many friends way back in like 8-10th grade..i'm just so used to having so many that i don't think i ever really had to solve things all by myself.
huh.
my dad just walks by and goes "what the fuck are you crying for?"..huh. i really wonder. for laying a hand on me, i would really care less right now if he shot himself and left me alone. then i'd have his money and i'd be happy. Or maybe he'll move out to san francisco and leave me and my mom alone because he's such an asshole cause he can't deal with the fact that my perfect brother is so successful and moving all the way across the country. i as a daughter, don't suffice. i can't shoot under par anyway, therefore i've concluded, i don't belong to this family *sarcasm*.
*deep breath*. i'm so emotionally drained...
i'm so tired of fighting for what i know i deserve.
god, why do i only look pretty when i cry?
i feel like the world is just swallowing me whole...maybe i liked the protective boyfriend..maybe i don't need to explain myself anymore. maybe i liked things the way they were.
maybe...i need...as corny as it sounds..someone who can just hold me and let me cry.
i wish i could just go back to 2 weeks ago when everything was okay.
11:36 p.m.
see it is him. I talk to him online for like 5-10 minutes, and already the
tears stop and i'm better. its like i NEED to talk to him. i can't get
past that. I really don't get this whole deal...right now i'm the closest
one to him he says..so why did he just push me down?
ricky from michigan wrote me a poem..called "ode to kerri"..i
won't post it cause he's very into standing up for his belief of only
dating jews..and although the gesture was sweet..some of the things aren't
so sweet about steve not being jewish. its so funny that *i* don't even
care about the religion issue..but its other people who care for
me. wank.
okay
since i'm tired and i want to sleep..i'm going to bed..
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