7 May, 2000-Sunday

    Box 'o' fun

listening to: nothing

eating: nothing-but just had a banana

talking to: eek its so late..hardly anyone is online.

missing: the good times with steve.

reading:nothing

thinking: i wish i didn't have to write this entry. but it will only help me in the long run.

trying: to : keep this feeling in my system and hopefully not regress tomorrow.

feeling:: bittersweet

wanting:closure.

wearing: pajamas.

"this isn't love
'cause if you don't wanna talk about it
then it isn't love
and i guess i'm gonna have to just live without it"

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    So i'm sitting here right now. and i'm looking at the pictures of me and him from my dance back on february 25th. At that time..things were pretty new..we were really into each other..we had still not experienced each other at the time we took that picture..all i remember is at that dance i had such a great time with him and i felt so close and then when things heated up at my house afterwards..i trusted him enough and gave myself to him. I think that was one of the greatest nights i have ever had.

  oh i'm going to miss those moments with him. what a wonderful feeling that was.

   But its things and memories like those, that make me blur out the bad memories.

   This whole time since the breakup, i've been analyzing and talking to everyone in god's name who could give me advice and really looking for that one person who would say to me that they were certain he would come back to me. I never found that person.

   What i did find, was my best friend-jen..and her mother, who really helped me out with analyzing things.

   I just spent an hour on the phone with susan curry-jen's mom. She's definitely not anything like my mom..my mom is the type to just listen to me complain and really not offer up advice, as if she never was my age to be able to identify. But jen's mom..she gives it straight to ya because she remembers those days and she understands the feelings..no, she doesn't know what's going to happen. But she listened to me the whole time and she offered up advice. Jen had me talk to her because i kept going on about the sex. I'm sorry-i am very insecure about my body, i don't give it up to many..BUT-for some reason i felt so trusting of steve that i really didn't have to think twice. What i didn't understand was how it was not weighing down on him the same as it had with me. Susan, cleared that up for me right away (cause of course i can't ask my mother that..)..she said it simply "guys don't perceive and think of the importance of sex the same way that we do".so that was that. which was a good answer. What i couldn't get over was this : "steve is everything that i have always wanted in a guy..the things he does..the way he is..brain and personality wise. it took me so long to figure that out and find it" and susan's answer: "well now that you know what you want..you can find it..and have it again..those other guys were experience to help you figure out what you wanted and didn't want. now that you know..that was the reason for this..so you can go find someone like that". perfect. that really really helped.

   and then it was just jen who said "i don't want to persuade your decision or anything..but ker- i don't remember you ever really being happy..do you remember that feeling? were you really happy?"

   and i told her to just sit there on the phone with me and let me think for a couple minutes..in silence..and i did. seriously, it was so hard for me to think of those times cause all the good times kept running through my head, and i realized that those memories are what is keeping me pining, and forgetting the bad ones. And after a few minutes..my answer was simply..."no." and then i gave my reasons:  

   (and i don't consider this bashing steve..i will never bash steve..he is an incredible guy, but i guess not as incredible towards me)

   i'm sorry..that i have to put this out there..i have to write..this has to be..i don't mean to hurt him. i'm sorry steve.

  anyway....

  the reasons:

   - he pretty much ignored me when we were with his friends (when he hardly ever brought me out)-which embarrasses me so much cause i know i'm a fun girl..what was there to possibly be embarassed about?

   - i was always disappointed in that when i did see him, it was always shorter than i thought i would get to see him.

   - he would always talk about other girls he thought were gorgeous or that he wanted, to make me jealous-but he hardly wanted to hear about guys that liked me or that i liked.

   - i understand him needing to open up and talk about arianna..but it got a little too much, and sometimes i felt really inferior.

   - most of the times that i got to see him, it was when he wanted to see me.

   - he won't answer the important "feelings" emails and questions that i ask him.

   - i was definitely not a priority and he would always make that clear to my face

   - him playing mind games with me constantly

   - i gave him everything i possibly could, and i will be the first to admit i'm not perfect..but a lot of the time it went unappreciated.

   - i'm not sure if he knew he was hurting me, but some of the things he would say to me were the types of things you keep to yourself

   - we never did the real things boyfriends/girlfriends did, like go out to eat, go the movies, go shopping, do family things together. granted, i loved being intimate with him so that was what a lot of our time was spent doing..but i'm sure he could have found time..we never did things during the day-it was always at night..

  - i was really hurt that he didn't trust me around his friends, thinking i would cheat on on him with them-even though he knew me better than that

  - just everything in the relationship being controlled by him..what he wanted-he got. and i was glad to give it to him, but it really hurts to know that after i did all this, he could drop me like that.

    that's enough..those are the things i honestly remember complaining about the most. and i know that steve will say that that's my side of the story, but i really offer him up the chance to rebuke it in my guestbook..steve is one of my closest friends. I absolutely adore the boy. He can always make me smile when i'm with him. And, i never ever mean to hurt him..and it hurts me to write this right now..but this is true..he can't tell me none of those things happened. He's busy, i get that. But if the only free time he ever had was used for his friends..hardly giving up any for a girlfriend, well then he should have either brought me along, or just not had a girlfriend at all..i think he shouldn't have had a girlfriend..

   god this whole journal makes me seem obsessed..i wouldn't say i'm obsessed..but don't i have a right to fight for what i know shouldn't be thrown away so easily.

   jen said she remembered the day i broke up with jon for good and came to school and attacked her and was so happy saying that i was finally single..and i wanted to stay that way for awhile..and i did..till i met steve..and now she pointed out the difference when i said "god..i've been single for 4 days and its the worst feeling in the world." guess i know who made the bigger impact on me. and how much i've changed.

  i don't want him to ever be angry with me for this. or to hate me. i wish we could talk in person and work this out. he's had opportunities to stop by..but i guess its not what he wants to do right now. to talk. face to face. for him to see right in front of him, the one he came running back to and put effort into for the last 4 months of his life. who was there for him when he needed. i hope, now that i'm gone, he still has that...somewhere.

   maybe i'm wanting all this-because i can't have it. because i'm wishing i could have it, cause i feel like if things work out, we can fix all these problems. but i'm being naive. none of these problems could be fixed with him keeping me as a low priority and her coming home in a  month..there is a reason we are not together anymore. sometimes i think that reason is for jason to come down and go to prom with me..so i can see him again..even though he would have come down during summer anyway..but so that i could share such a special time in my life with him..and not steve..so that i can look back on my picture when i'm 30 and see the boy that although couldn't be with me, never left my side..not the one who left me because of his doubts.

   i hope this is not considered bashing. cause i don't mean to. honest.

   Jessica wrote me an email not to too long ago..and i love this sentence and can identify with it completely: "and all i want to do is just show someone how good i can be."

   Steve is very important to me. Susan even asked me if i loved him. I didn't know the answer to that. I'm so confused about what love is, because each guy i'm with i feel differently towards, even though the feelings might be quite strong. i think you can love each person differently, but its just not the same love. and love is not always defined the same way in each relationship. if that makes any sense at all. adore him? yeah. care a ton about him? yeah. love him? quite possibly. in love? no.

   i'm thankful for the four months that i had him. i'm thankful for him showing me what i want in a guy....and what i don't. I'm thankful for his kisses and i'm thankful for the way he was so gentle with me when we were intimate. i'm thankful for a lot of things when it comes to him.

  but i'm not thankful for the way this all ended.

  but these experiences. its life. a friend wrote me and told me "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger"..i'm still alive..so hopefully i'm stronger.

  i'm leaning more towards the fact that i shouldn't be with steve. i want to be with him. but i shouldn't be. he can't seem to realize what he had..and although he knew i was available to him..i've pretty much decided that the availability is slim to none right now. i'm one a million..i'm not your typical girl..okay typical when it comes to boys..but as a person..i'm not typical.

  i'm sorry for the fact that steve has given this up. for the fact that he has let one girl over shadow someone like me..for his sake, i hope that he either ends up in the end with arianna, or that he learns to not let other girls who offer opportunity to live in her shadow...i really hope so..because he holds my heart right now, and although it can't be because we are both holding back now..he has been, and i have just realized i should be also..i will always care..

   hopefully now i can just move on, remember the good memories, without analyzing them..forget about the bad memories. and be thankful for this experience. 

   i'm single and i've got so much to offer. its only a matter of time before its swept up and appreciated.