6 May

Box 'o' fun

listening to: "beetlejuice" on the T.V. great movie.

eating: nothing. still no appetite..

talking to:yitz

missing: fuck..i don't want to answer this..i'm sure you know.

reading:nothing.

thinking: okay, i'm not drunk anymore..but now i'm even more unhappy than i was before.

trying: to persuade myself and tell myself i'm a princess.

feeling: naseous, and tired..and bitchy

wanting: to have not danced so sexy and portrayed myself that way in front of 200 people.

wearing: the dress i wore to winter prince..the dark red one.

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12:57 a.m.

oh god. i'm so naseous.

i probably shouldn't write a journal entry when i'm trying to sober up here..but i think i'm pretty okay right now..considering how about 2 hours ago i was fucking gone. laura had to hold my hand i could hardly walk.

Tonight was the night i was supposed to go with steve to his dance. yeah. that didn't happen.

I was asked to go to the bat mitzvah party that i declined going to earlier cause i planned on just staying home and sulking..i've been holding back a big cry to myself and i felt i needed to do it. but then i just listened to some music around 6 p.m. and decided that i wanted to go to the party. there was going to be alcohol and music. what better?

i haven't eaten a lot lately..my dress looked good..i put on some cool makeup..i looked hot..i put on some enrique iglesias and i drove me and my parents to the synagogue for the party..sitting in the car saying "i'm single..i'm gonna live it up" (yeah i was just convincing myself i was happy that way)..got there with laura..one of the doctors there came over to me to tell me how gorgeous i looked and asked me if i wanted a drink..so he asked what i wanted..and i said a vodka cranberry..then i finished that and my dad went and got me a vodka cranberry again..and then i begged laura (who looked 25)to get me a cosmopolitan, which is made up of triple sex, vodka, cranberry, and some other liqour..which was really strong..since this was the first time i drank in like a year..i was bombed..when the music started..i grabbed laura and we went up on the stage and i made her dance up there with me..me dancing in front of 200 people..my parents were at first horrified..but people told them that "kerri is so gorgeous..you should lock her up till she's 25"..so i guess they relaxed since people were like okay with me dancing sexy up there..i was so let loose..i didn't care..i didn't want to think about steve..and if i did, i wanted to live up being a fun girl and then once the alcohol started to wear off, it took on its depressant form and i started thinking more about steve and about how this "happiness" was only temporary..and i tried to smile and i tried to be happy and it just wasn't working..and by this time i had been there 4 hours and i plumped down in a chair and begged my parents to take me home before i threw up.

maggie grey was working as a waitress..i've heard from steve that she liked him once..and at first i was kinda eerie about her seeing me like that, but when she was nearby, she just gave me a look as if to say "i'm sorry..i understand"..which was nice of her.

Ricky from michigan just called at like 2 a.m. to see if i was okay..and we talked and then i had to get off cause my mom wanted me off the phone.

I am so thirsty..water is good.

God this is so tough. i really miss him. and i know that i was strong and right before the party i kept being like "i'm single..i'm gonna have fun..he's missing out" but i think that its not even about him so much anymore, its about the fact that i'm really really hurt. and i really really..not hate..but dislike the whole arianna thing. no respect for me. i mean why should she care about me..but if she was really a best friend to him..she wouldn't have done what she did, or said what she did..

I..am not perfect..but i am smart enough, and sweet enough, and not self-centered..in that i would never do that to jason with ariel.granted, i don't feel that way..but sometimes i regress, and i know to hold back. arianna broke up with him so she could move on, and oberlin is a weird college, mind you, so there's probalby not much to choose from..but she chose that, and now that he was finally happy..she comes back. how convenient.

he's self-centered. she's self-centered (from how this all worked out, i don't know her, but that's what i've concluded), so they're perfect.

i'm so angry. i'm so. uuggggghhh..rick root didn't call me today. hmmm...maybe cause i haven't called back.

laura was begging me to go out clubbing with her..but i could hardly keep my head up i was so trashed..and so i couldn't go..

i begged my parents to take me home cause i was fighting back tears and i was scared i was gonna "toss my cookies"...and in the car my mother was telling me that she saw maggie in the bathroom and my mom asked her if she knew steve and conveniently steve took maggie to her first formal or something and then she asked about what happened between me and steve and my mom said "the ex came back into the picture" and maggie went "ohhh..god i know about her..yup..i understand that..she's a tough one"..

so its not just me. he's too fucking vulnerable. and she's got him wrapped..the same way he has me wrapped..and maybe since i'm realizing this i should unleash myself, but its not that easy.

I wish alcohol's effects lasted longer.

I wish he even gave a damn about me to fucking answer my emails or come online or at least call.

but i'm giving him what he wants. i'm not gonna try. i'm not going to call him and i'm not going to email him anymore. he wants his space..he can fucking have it. and i know if he...wait....WHEN he..realizes how dumb and stupid he's being, i'll be happy with some other guy who will probably be treating me much better...and giving a shit about my feelings.

i don't know what's going on with jen and why she won't talk to me about why she's down right now..

i've been searching through my box of college stuff..i'm fucking finding a way to get out of here this summer..i don't want to stick around..anymore..jen has her boyfriend..my job sucks..ray is fucking gorgeous and we click so well, but he's 20 and i'm sure he wouldn't date me..even though i would in like a second...only now since steve's on his way out the door..if he already isn't out there for good..my friends aren't going to be visiting me in montrose...in montrose i'm known as "matt kaufman's hot younger sister..she's got great breasts"..yeah..um..no. thanks. i'm all for sex..but not with male whores from montrose...i probably won't ever be seeing steve again since we never cross paths..so yeah..i can't stay here..i really can't..i need out..the whole reason i was staying was for the fact i thought i had everything going for me..now in a matter of a week..its all gone, and i'm not gonna waste a summer here..i think i'll be a camp counselor somewhere around here..or i might start penn state early..anything to get away from all this total bullshit.

sometimes i get so mad that i think i sometimes i wish i didn't pick steve over adam, cause i'm sure adam and i would have never been so doubtful of each other and he would have made me a "princess"..and i don't regret steve..but i kinda wish i would have known so i could have gotten used to this...and not lost my boyfriend halfway through..its really hard.

i'm just so strong some minutes..and others i'm not.

sorry i complain so much.