6 April, 2000-Thursday
9:38 p.m.
awww..i miss kristy..I just talked to her for an hour and a half on the phone and i had SO much fun..we laughed we made fun of people, she tells me funny hating kendal stories. And i'm sorry steve, but she really isn't a nice person. Ask anybody-we've known her for plenty of years. But its your call...anyway..kristy made me laugh so hard i almost peed my pants and all..she called me cause she needed advice and someone to talk to, but i just kept cracking jokes and so did she and we were on a roll that we laughed that whole time.
what's with these new shows on T.V. that aren't funny...
anyway, i'm really at that time of the month..any day..and i'm feeling pretty crappy..i couldn't wake up this morning..and when i finally did, i had to go get gas and i got to my internship late..and then i had to write a press release for some event..and once that was done..i had to sit in a meeting with them for an hour and a half..it wasn't that uninteresting..the women i work with are funny..and i was late to my grandmothers for lunch..and my uncle was there..but i had to rush back, redo my makeup and change..and then rush back to school for gym. I love our gym dance now..its fun..and then i had health.
Once that was over..of course i hung out with emily after school, which turned into talking with kelley gunther, alicia marean and ann mcdonough. Of course we talked about..noneother than..sex..hehe..alicia is SO extremely funny..i can't say what we were talking about but it was too hysterical..
10:29 p.m.
once again..me and kelley gunther are talking about this..i love it when you can openly talk to girls about this stuff..like not even talking about sexual experiences cause thats disrespectful to the guy, but like about us and what goes on. its too funny. and i'm glad someone can feel like they can be that open about it.
i've been getting emails from Jon lately. And i believe that because i've been emailing with him..he was in my dream last night. and I can't remember where we were and i remembered more earlier but as the day goes on i forget more of the details..and it seemed like we were in this huge museum like building..and i remember hanging around with him and i guess i knew that we were broken up in the dream..but i remember sitting on a stool type thingy and him like closely looking at me as i'm looking down and he said "i love you"..and it was weird to me...because after we broke up, we had really harsh fights and he stopped writing "i love you" in his emails..and i asked him about it and he said he "lost his love" for me..and i know its not true..cause of things he's said in december and stuff..long after he had said that...I bet he still does..
"How did we get
this far apart?
We used to be so close together
How did we get this far apart?
I thought this love would last for ever"
and i wrote him asking him to tell me about his life and
what's been going on, and i get this email "life sucks and i don't have
anything to say about it"..and it hurts me so much..SO much..to hear he's
not happy..i know he probably reads this page..and i KNOW that it kills him to
read about steve..to know that i'm happy..to know that i have someone, having a
good school/friend year..having sex..moving on from him. But the only
thing i could say was that i have no hard feelings for him..he was my
first relationship where i was told "i love you" and when i got to say
"i love you" back..that was a big deal to me, since i'm SO not quick
to throw that phrase out. So i let him know that he can trust me since i do know
him, and that if he needs advice or anything..i doubt he'll take me up on
that..but that's all i can do. I guess it just hurts me more when he's in my
dream and i feel like i just saw him...*sigh* i just hope he's okay.
I don't really know what else to say..I'm really exhausted..and i start work on saturday..
ohmigod..i'm not gonna even say it..its gonna get me in trouble with steve..but there's one thing that really ticks me off and he knows what it is...err rather who it is...
and my parents are fighting with me over this philadelphia weekend thing. I'm sorry i don't care if this is the last weekend they might be going down for a while. not my fault..and then they guilt trip me for not wanting to see my camp friends who live. Ya know..in all our years of "best friendship" none of them have ever come to visit me..they have parents who drive..3 of them have cars...
god my dad is still going off..fuck them all.
and this weekend is turning into shit. I don't want to stay with my grandmother. she worries to much..if i'm a minute late she gets worried. this is all total bullshit. Steve has to work all tomorrow night..and ohmigod. my parents and their aristocratic bullshit. What my dad just said made me sick...i won't even repeat it. i wish my parents would just get off their goddamn high horses and drop their snotty views towards my friends. And for all of you who think we're rich. Bullshit. we're not. so i don't know why my dad thinks his non-existent money is excuse enough to rant on other people.
and that's my theory for the day. i started out feeling happy, and now i'm fuming.
"It's always the same
Wake up in the rain
Head in pain
Hung in shame
A different name
Same old game
Love in vain
And miles and miles and miles and miles and miles
Away from home again..."