5 May, 2000-Friday

    Box 'o' fun

listening to: "hearbreaker"

eating: nothing-just had a bagel

talking to: no one

missing: just distance friends

reading::my internships manual. bleh.

thinking: "i'm too nice and a lot of fun, and i'm not losing out..so i'm gonna live it up and let him realize what he is losing if he lets it go."

trying: to not fall aslseep any minute

feeling: powerful, and strong, and bittersweet.

wanting: to not have a tummy ache

wearing: jeans, a pink shirt, and a light grey cardigan.

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    Today is senior skip day..i'm home right cause i'm on break from school..but i didn't take advantage of the skip day..most people went to this beautiful park that i've always wanted to visit cause i always pass it going to montrose..but i couldn't skip new visions again..and i have to work today.

    I've been debating whether to write lately..i feel like if i write right now, during this whole thing, that its not a good idea.

    I should go to gym today..but i'm going to skip it and just go in for health..i got my period yesterday and my stomach is killing!

    i spent the day with jen yesterday..got my hair cut, then i picked her up, visited ray (my coworker), we went out for a nice dinner..i took her pronto's virginity (haha..she'll get that)..then we went to the giant  and then back to her house..where we took both her brothers, locked them in the room with us..and made them dance and listen to mariah, jennifer lopex, dmx, all this upbeat "fuck guys, i'm feeling good" type music..and for 2 hours straight..we danced around with feather boas, taking pictures, screamed the words at the top of our lungs and made me realize: we're too fucking awesome.

    *sigh* i've been doing really well the past two days..i think snoop dogg and mariah (in the song "crybaby") say it best..

   that verse..i repeat it constantly in the car..i sing it to myself..its like words of support..i need to hear that.  

   that is definitely how i feel right now. i don't want to let steve go.at all..but he's giving me no choice here..we talked both nights after the breakup and it was really deep and trusting and honest and really nice...i think it really suprised the both of us that we were that close...no arguments, nothing. sitting there and being sweet and listening to each other..

   i keep thinking..maybe we needed to breakup-to reach that plateau and see what we meant to each other..it made me realize he meant a hell of a whole lot to me...it sounded like, well he made it seem, that he realized i meant that much to him also..i just..he's not giving me any signals here and i've clearly made it blatantly obvious that, despite people disagreeing with me, *i'm* the one who won't care what people think, and i'll do what i want. yeah, i'd be back with him. In the car yesterday, i was justifying to jen about how people are like "kerri, you shouldn't put up with a guy like that"..but nobody knows "that" guy, the way i do. and i'm sitting there yelling at jen going : "god, he's not perfect, he's not always the sweetest guy, he never really spoiled me, but i dealt with that cause all those things didn't need to be necessary as long as i have his head, his sweetness towards me and his mind-the way he is. Jen, he wrote a fucking song on the piano, he wrote a poem..he's like that. That's what i want..maybe i wish that i could be him that i could sit down and fucking do all those things he can, that i've always wanted to do..i think maybe i get those things vicariously through him..but dammit i will sacrifice all those other unnecessary things, for that and him"...she was like "well then ker, if that's how you feel, don't listen to what other people have to say"..

  I'm really frustrated and its pissing me off.  Already had 2 guys call me last night..my coworker is fucking gorgeous with a good personality..why can't i just turn towards any of those guys..one of them i was practically fallen head over heels for last year and he is the most persistent and i'm like "i can't do this yet"....

   Laura and i have been talking..and well..i didn't expect steve to do what he did..but a day or two after we broke up, he asked another girl to the prom. he doesn't know i know..we haven't discussed it..he didn't say a thing about it..and yeah it hurt like a mother...because stan was like "i'm sure rick will take ya and you'll have the best time"..and i just was thinking i want to keep everything open in case something happens with steve..and even if we were to stay as close as we were the last couple nights, i would have wanted to him to go as my friend anyhow..but..i guess that was made clear that that thought didn't even enter his head like it had mine..and he asked someone else and that was that.

   Brian from michigan has been very sweet and actually telling me that he's taking me to my prom..it was a sweet gesture..but i'm sure that he wouldn't feel comfortable being here and it would just be weird..

   I was talking with Jason Sherman last night..and he pretty much was like "um..steve is the unlucky one..he had an amazing girl in front of him and he let that go..this might be a shot in the dark, but i want to come down and take you to your prom." and i was like stunned..like of course i thought about him but i didn't want to make him have to drive down and everything, so i never asked..and when he offered the only answer i could say was "wow..um..i think that is better than okay"...

   In a way..maybe God's not punishing me..he's probably rewarding me. maybe that's His way of after putting me through shit..giving me something i deserve: a really nice night with my best friend.

   I know steve will probably be like "what the fuck?" but ya know..he never really believed that i understood where he was coming from, i think he thought that when i said i was still close with jason, that it was all in my head...cause even though he dated arianna for like 10 months, having dated jason for 2 months with nothing else going on in our lives but each other 24/7, makes you as close as 10 months i'm sure..and then 2 years of close friendship after that..but jason and i have reached our own plateau of just knowing that we will always be there for each other no matter what..and i think thats better than anything else.

  as for steve..if we do get back together, Jason was like "i'll understand..consider me potential back-up then", cause i'd probably take steve..but it would have to be soon that something happen , because ja has to get his tux.

  but you know what? no matter how this turns out...i know i'm still going to have one hell of a night:)