3 April, 2000-Monday

9:57 p.m.

    is it bad that i already regret starting this journal? All i could tell jen on the phone was that I was so wrong to put up yesterday's entry. That , if i get dumped, its gonna be because of that entry-or at least its gonna be a factor. And i know i'm being honest but sometimes I'm just plain stupid.

    And i'm really getting fed up with kendal and hearing all this shit that she says. Ginger told me that she was standing in a group when Kendal asked "is kerri going with steve to prom?" and ginger gave her a look and goes "well they ARE still together Kendal" and she was like "oh." but good, cause kendal has a date now, with some guy from north carolina, probably cause he thinks she's cool, and hasn't heard about her reputation.But even i haven't asked Steve to prom. Its so early.. But just that and Stan turning around in health class and asking me how things were with steve and when i last saw him..stan has the nerve to say "well, i bet he's cheating on you, ker" well fuck you stan. he has no idea what steve is like. Ooohhh i could go be a bitch and tell Kate that Stan invited me to his house to hang out-anytime. whatever. who fucking cares.

    i'm just going through steve withdrawal cause i haven't even heard his voice since um..tuesday..ehh i don't know. i'm totally PMSing right now, which doesn't make me happy cause welll..whatever..but-my loss. But its like i just need to see him to believe that things are okay. and every time the phone rings, i'm hoping its him..but its not.

    I got the job today-at the conklin sports park. yay me. I'm working the miniature golf thing..probably starting this weekend. which means i stay home when my parents go to philly. yay.

    yeah so adam just called me. we were supposed to hang out today but he forgot that he had to work..but he still wanted to call and apologize. I had no idea he had to work but i wasn't going to call him cause *he* asked me to do something..and if he wanted to, it was his call..seeing as how i have a boyfriend, i'm not making calls to boys who want to hang out, unless i know they are just friends. But we didn't talk long..i think i scared him off when i started talking about stupid girl stuff..so i'll know what works for next time..j/k.

    Steve is online. yay. God i miss him..and absence does make the heart grow fonder..i just long to see his face, touch his arm..something him..anything him. I go through these things of being SO mad i can't see him, but if i think about when i'm with him, i'm okay because i can picture him and all..and yeah.

    and i'm so tired and under the weather..i always feel sick on rainy days and i'm emotionally drained from pining and worrying and wondering..and missing.

    Bara has the same stomach problems i have. She asked me what medicine i was on and i told her and she's on the same thing. she has the same effects as me. it helps, but only somewhat..Its all from stress..mine started when my brother left for college and my mom got really sick and i had chemistry and mock trial stressing me out..hers just started cause her parents just got divorced and she just moved..so its all stress-induced.

    anyway, i got a Seventeen magazine in the mail today..and i don't really read them anymore, i just look through them until my subscription runs out. But there's this freelance writing contest. Send in an essay up to 500 words about "my ultimate summer" and if it wins, you get $500, the essay published, and possibly an offer to be a reappearing guest columnist. How awesome would that be? I took my pad and went and sat outside on the step and wrote the beginning of it. They want it to be sassy and fun..and so far i like it, my mom likes it, an jen really likes it..i need to make a few changes, think of a few more funny things to say, and get my main idea of the essay all sketched out. Even if it doesn't win, i've got to get used to this type of contest, cause i'm gonna constantly have to apply for freelance magazine entries. and have to deal with a lot of rejection. i'm good with that though.

    and why is it the jewish boys that fawn over me? huh. that's something. shit i was supposed to call brian schwartz this week..eek.

    wow and i just got an email from jon. huh. that's something too. i don't feel like writing back right now. I really am drained.

    i kinda got steve to open up..we've been together pretty much around 3 months now...and he says he can see himself fully opening up to me..but not for like another couple months. There's a lot of irony in that. I have guy friends who constantly open up to me, but my own boyfriend doesn't..i accept it though..i mean what else i could do. I wouldn't think of giving up-i've done this much so far. I read in a magazine where guys want a girlfriend who get along with their friends so that they don't have to choose between one or the other..they can mix..and i could, i don't get the chance..Tim was really the only other guy i dated from a different school where i met his friends and all..the first time, i was shy, and then i was so able to talk to them and have fun after 1-2 more times of hanging out with him and his friends. even after we broke up i went to parties and talked with his friends..not even him.

    so i uh..got a guestbook..its not your usual guestbook..i like this better..its cuter and i personalized the colors and all. so check it out or sign it. I kinda want to get an idea of who reads it..and i make no judgments..

    hehe me and tiff are joking around with TJJ memories. yeah, i was the SHIT on that tour..i'm suprised my head didn't explode..she's telling me about how she first saw me and was hoping that i didn't have a conceited attitude, and that thankfully i didn't..everyday she would run up to tell me how much Jon would miss me when his bus was on a hike and my bus was somewhere else..and how jon was missing me and todd was wanting and pining for me and saying all this stuff. How Todd would say stuff like "that girl is the prettiest girl here..and so what Jon's tall, i'd wear 4 inch heels for her if that's what she wanted"..I can't live in the past but boy were those memories enough to withstand some confidence, when its at a time of dwindling, i have to rely on them to keep me realizing i'm worth something. here's what tiff had to say:

LilRedHead101: your a brillant girl in every sense of the word, your absolulty laugh out loud funny, you have an amazing voice, your the best friend anyone can ask for, not to mention your absolulty drop dead goregous, if i had what u had, i'd be as cocky as todd hun 
LilRedHead101: u honestly dont think he knows how incredibly blessed he is? 
TennKer: i really don't think he does. 
LilRedHead101: i also think your outa your mind 
TennKer: i don't think he sees me the say way people on TJJ did 
TennKer: same* 
LilRedHead101: then we'll have to have a talk with this dude 
TennKer: because people on tJJ though i was the shit..and i don't have that reputation here..so he just believes what other people percieve of me..sure he likes me..but.. 
LilRedHead101: people on TJJ, were right, he's wrong 
TennKer: yeah but i put on an act the first day or two and people believed it the rest of the way 
TennKer: i'm a nice bitch:) 
LilRedHead101: what act did u put on? 
TennKer: that i thought i was cool.. 
LilRedHead101: which u were 
TennKer: thanks

LilRedHead101: i told jenny when i first met u, im like, i really hope that the girl doesn't have a concieted attitude, even though im sure she has reasons to be, i hope she doesn't have to attitude, and thankfully u didn't 
TennKer: i could never give other people attitude.. 
TennKer: i'm not snotty like that 
LilRedHead101: thats what jenny said 
LilRedHead101: she's like hunny, see her smilling, that thing is not going to disappear from her face 
TennKer: was i constantly smiling? 
LilRedHead101: when u wern't bitching with advisors/todd yes 
TennKer: lol..the advisors..hehe..when did i bitch about todd? 
LilRedHead101: when didn't u bitch about him? 
LilRedHead101: ugh he's so annoying, stupid lil player 
TennKer: yeah, but i liked the compliments.. 
LilRedHead101: yea but from him? 
TennKer: remember being at the mediterranean sea and you were telling me things he would say and you kept getting knocked over by the waves.. 
LilRedHead101: i almsot went blind, but yea 
TennKer: tiff-both me and you didn't realize how really gross he was till after the tour. and the dick head gave me mono from being so close on the plane. 
LilRedHead101: he was like please tell her i love her please 
LilRedHead101: i had my disaggrements with him also, but ugh ewww, oh he almost gave me mono also 
TennKer: he seemed so sincere..i remember when jon left to back to canada and made his move and i just wanted him to go away and andrew and jake were so angry at him for writing "property of todd" all over my legs while i was crying and looking out of the window when we were going to the banquet...

    yeah i love TJJ memories..i could go on and on with them forever...Tiff always makes me feel better..she and ilana are tight too..the three of us had a lot of fun. Ilana has a really stable relationship now..she was the one who kept having guys screw her over on TJJ even though she got a lot of them..Really me and jon were the only stable relationship on TJJ..well actually maybe emily and dan. awww i miss dan..he was fun! but i'm seeing emily this weekend-woo! i'm gonna have to find someone to drive up to ithaca with me to get her..hmm..i'm wondering if steve would, but..ehh i don't know..jen would probably go..oh shit. if i have to work, she's gonna have to take a really early bus..we'll i'll work that out.

   i'm wicked tired..wicked.

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