31 March, 2000-Friday

11:52 a.m.

    So i'm home from my little "vacation" to Penn State. *sigh* i wish i could just start college right now. I'm SO done here. The town is so great and so alive and has everything you can imagine. You walk down the streets at night and its safe, and there's restaurants open and shops and tons of goodlooking guys and you just want to stay planted there forever...

    We went down so that i could hear a presentation on the college of communications. It wasn't really necessary that i be there because it was only a 2 hour session in the morning on things i already knew about the college. We ate lunch in the cafeteria and i already wasn't feeling well so i didn't eat anything really. just a plain bagel and a brownie. I was just ready to leave because we had met up with cousins of cousins of ours who had a daughter my age and was looking at Penn State. I know its so judgmental of me but i didn't like the girl from the start. She was a little snot and she reminded me of the girls from camp. She was from Media, PA(where most the girls in camp are from around) and she even had that accent and uggh..Just having that feeling from a cousin, mind you, and one that i had never met before, makes me realize i would be SO incredibly UNhappy if i went back to camp. there is no way in hell i am jeopardizing my self-esteem for spoiled little rich Japs from philadelphia. no way. I remember my tour in israel ended up running into camp ramah's tour at the archaeological dig and all of a sudden i hear allison schapira's voice "ohmigod, Kerri Kaufman!" and she runs over and hugs me and so do the other girls. I didn't mean to be rude but the first thing that came out of my mouth-"oh, where's jason?" and they all like stopped and were like "um..he's with the canadian ramah group" and i was like "oh..well hope you're having fun" and then i went on my way. I don't mean to be bitchy, but after that last summer and all the jealousy and talking and bitching behind my back about me getting jason over all of them, really made me dislike them so much. The only reason i got through that summer was because of him, so i couldn't bare to go back and be alone.

    Speaking of Jason..I finished up his birthday present and its all ready to send out..except there is one problem..I don't have his address..i don't think..when i finish writing i'm gonna go search my room for it. I just want to get it out to him already. I think he'd like it but i'm not gonna type out just yet what it is cause i'm not sure if he reads this page..and if he does, well then that would ruin the surprise. So when i get the notice that he received it, i'll tell what it was. I kinda went all out..well not TOO all out..but ya know, there is no way i can ever ever repay him for what he has done for me..even if i gave him the world.

    Come to think of it, that's how Adam started liking me. Jason gave me a gold necklace with a gold charm that says "someone very special" and i came back from winter break and went to jenell's new years eve party. And Ginger, the little gossip that she is who remembers every detail of my guy life for some reason, was like "ker....SO HOW WAS IT??" and i went off and was like "it was so great to see him blah blah blah(cause me and him are very close but we never get to see each other)" (meanwhile half the party was listening to me and so was Ben who had brought his friend Adam.) and i showed them and i was like "i feel so bad, i get a gold necklace and i didn't even get him anything..what do i do" and it was adam who told me to go all out for his birthday. and that's how adam started liking me..from seeing how sincere i was about how sweet it was what he gave me and all i cared about was giving him something greater in return. he said i seemed like "such a sweetheart"..yeah well..i don't think he'd think that anymore..but..

    speaking of guys who get pissed when they try for me and i don't want them..(ie: i never return their phone calls)..Dex has TOTALLY been blowing me off. why can noone just settle for being friends with me, they want it all or nothing. fuck.

    I'm so exhausted..completely. Got home from penn state to my house in montrose. Then the Danas brought Sydney over for me to babysit her. The thing about babysitting her is that she is *so* attached to her parents. They didn't leave her with anyone besides them until she was 9 months. So therefore she cries around everyone other than her parents. So already as tired as i was, i had 4 hours to babysit the little girl. She was good the first 10 minutes her parents had been gone. Then the tears just started pouring..and a half hour later she fell asleep on me..then i tried to lay her down and she woke up and kept crying...more like whimpering..i felt like crying myself because this was like going on for an hour already...so i took a break and ate my dinner while my dad played with her and tried to stop her crying. So once i was done, i picked her up, sat her on the couch, turned on the oldies station..took the shovel out of the pail (plastic) and used it as a microphone..jumped around and danced for her and sang to her. well guess what-she stopped crying(she loved when i kept singing "baby love..my baby love". She was actually trying to clap along and she was laughing. So yes-me making a big huge fool of myself was very entertaining. I bet it would work on adults too.

    So i jumped and danced for the next 2-3 hours until her parents came. She only whimpered a little when i was changing her..but..it wasn't too bad. I was so exhausted afterwards..i came home and fell right asleep..i definitely couldn't do that everyday at this age. I want to be a mom..but definitely much later than i thought i would be ready. When do they sleep? 

    Its so nice out i wish i could just skip the rest of school and go hit some balls at the range, but i've already missed health twice this week.

    oh shit. I never turned my evaluation in from WSKG and its too late. Well i told her they had given me a 4 (equivalent to a 95) so she can take my word on it and i'll give it to her on monday. It's not like i'd tell her they gave me a 5 and hand her a sheet that said a 4. I'm not that dumb. I'd totally get caught. So i'll email her later and tell her, and if she has a problem with it, well she can just bite my ass, because her criticizing and talking to people that know me and my family or who have worked with me, is really pissing me off..She just now tells me she's seen me play golf at montrose a lot...and that she's talked to the people at WSKG about me interning there and how they could tell i didn't like it. Well she knew i didn't want to intern in production, and she put me there..my attitude wasn't gonna be all positive and shit because it really did suck there. I know i'll get a good evaluation from BOCES i really love it there. I'm just so sick of it..i want to drop it but i hate being a quitter..i don't give up.

    and as not to give up, i *will* go find jason's address in the mess of my room and send it out right now..more later.

5:44 p.m.

    aww yeah-i know how to work it! I just went to hit balls on the driving range after i sent jason his present..i was driving and thinking "hmm..i have $5..i can hit a bucket of balls"..so i stopped off. Plus my dad gave me a new set of irons and i wanted to try them out. So being the sister of Matt Kaufman (oh lala), i get free range balls from the boy josh who works there..and then i was hitting and my friends joe and rick were there..so we had a good time..and then josh went and got the owner to work behind the booth, and so the owner was impressed and asked me to come in for an interview on monday. I knew just showing my face there a lot would help a great deal.

    :(

    jen just left with tina to go see the boys play up at Cortland.I SO wanted to go, but with the Bush concert tomorrow and my exhaustion, i just wouldn't be able to do it. Or i would, but my stomach wouldn't. that sucks. I haven't seen steve in a week! I feel so bad cause he reads this journal and he makes jokes about how it makes him seem like he's a bad boyfriend..and i asked if he truly thought that and he said no, but that i made it seem like he just didn't care a lot. I know he does care. a lot. I only portray him the way it is though. honestly, i hardly do see him. he's what my parents call "a kid who has his priorities set straight at this age". So my parents like him. hehe. which is good. and even my mom yells at me for wanting more from steve. But i'm not asking of more from him..it wouldn't be possible..it seriously, i think, makes things more anticipated and special when i do see him, cause i don't take that time for granted..like some couples do.

   Tiff keeps drilling it into my head that i'm "not lucky to have him, he's lucky to have me"..tiff honey, if it was over the summer and things were the way they were on TJJ, well then i would think so..but i do consider myself lucky, and i hope he considers himself lucky..because i know we both could easily be with other people right now..very easily. we both have others that are trying to get up on our asses..I don't know why i always question this..grrr..i hate being so defenseless. i just can't stand my guard with him..ever..he just flahses that smile and i'm like "oh god.." and my guards are down.

   speaking of his smile and stuff..steph scanned some pictures..steve's eyes are closed in the one of me and him..and he's not really smiling so you don't get the full effect of the dimples (you can punish me for that one later, steve;) )..but mmm..those arms and the protectiveness and comfortable. MMM. so wonderful.

    anyway go check out the people page cause i put links to the peoples pictures that i put up.

   my mother and i just lit shabbat candles. I really realize that the only thing i can ask God that's of real importance if for good health. for me, my mom, and especially my grandma..and just for everyone i know..my mother showed me the candlesticks that she bought for me for when i get married. Its one hell of an incentive to marry a jewish boy, but even if i didn't i'd still use them..but they are SO beautiful..i can't describe them-when i start working and make enough money to buy a digital camera i will take a pic and put it up. they're so creative and wonderful.

   well since this is one of the first shabbat dinners i will be home for, i'm gonna go help set up and get everything ready.

 oh and before i go-check this page out-it was made by my friends kristin and chris and i have been laughing so hard from it-its hysterical!

10:00 p.m.

   Oh god i am so incredibly exhausted..and i'm downloading some version of Quark. There's determination. I don't have the money to buy these $600 programs, so i'm trying to download them illegaly *gasp*.."i'm such a...bad girl" (i sung that in my head with the tune the girls in empire records use) but i'm doing it to just play around and get practice so that i can intern and get offered a job..

   I just watched "making the band" on ABC. Its kinda like the Real World on MTV except its 8 guys "set to live in a house" and try to make the final 5 cut to be a boy band. Its seriously sick..these boys call their girlfriends and are all lovey dovey and then go cheat on them every night with their "groupies".sick. There is this one guy who is from Hawaii, and he hates this behavior of the boys and he was crying cause he missed his girlfriend and he didn't relate to these people. Oh god i wanted to eat him up. That-that sensitivity he has, totally a turn on. aww..he reminds me of me..the way he reacts to the new environment. I'm always the one who went to camp and after the first night-i would be crying about wanting to go home cause i couldn't relate to those people. I *couldn't* no matter how hard i tried. I was so ostracized the summer before my 10th grade year..but i adjusted enough..and then i just remember that same feeling the first couple days of my last summer at camp. I guess you can tell i've been getting a lot of shit from my family-they want me to go back and be a counselor at camp. My mom said it was one of her best experiences.

   *sigh* i just can't stress enough of how much I can't do that.

   I wish i just knew what was gonna happen in life.

   I wish i knew what's gonna happen with me and Steve..i hate writing about him..i really do.because i'm always writing when i'm missing him. and it sounds so stupid because he lives 15 minutes away-compared to the 4 hours that i had to deal with with jon. but i miss steve and i'm always writing in here when i do..cause i'm always thinking and when i am deeply thinking..i tend to write..BLAH-someone just smack me and tell me i'm a pathetic loser.

   flashbacks to "Drop Dead Fred"-ya know, the scene where she goes to rescue her younger self..(i think i had this conversation with jason actually)..just that-i look at pictures of myself..i think of how i was when i was younger. SO protected..and i would have never ever known what was to come..and i just want to go back and cry and hold that little girl and tell her that everything is going to be all right..She's gonna go through incredible heartaches..just-i'm still that little girl..but i've experienced so more than i just imagine my younger self sitting on that bad, with not a clue in the world. No clue-that she'd be sitting at her computer one day writing about heartbreak, lust, boyfriends, friends, school, college..I knew it was bound to happen, but not like this. Never in my wildest imagination did i think i'd have friends like i do. I never thought i would ever know what sex was like! I remember not even knowing what it felt like to be kissed, and then once kissed, what it would be like to have sex. I know that all now-and none of it was how i imagined..Its just so weird..cause when i'm 25 and hopefully secure and at a happy stage in my life, i will desire to go back to me being 18 and telling that girl what its going to be like and how i will survive.

   I'm just rambling cause i'm painfully tired..I think i understand why i feel lonely when i'm at home. I want to be out (but sometimes the tummy won't allow for that) and when i'm home, its pretty much just hanging out with myself. My dad sleeps on the couch and my mom does her own thing. *shrug* I hate being lonely and i like who i am, but sometimes, i just don't want to listen to what i have to say.

by the way-i added some more poems, an essay, pictures to the people..and i think that covers everything for now...

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