30 April, 2000-Sunday

    Box 'o' fun

listening to: "time after time" by cyndi lauper

eating: nothing-no appetite

talking to: jenn, ricky

missing: Jen, Jason,my camp girls

reading:"marie claire" magazine

thinking:"how..could he do this to me.i'm so pissed and i don't know what to do"

trying: to not get my stomach in a panic and calm down

feeling:pissed and betrayed

wanting: for this to never have happened.

wearing: one piece pajama "penguin" fleece suit

PUCE

"it seems like i should say, 'oh, oh well
as long as this is love...'
but it's not that easy"

<<  main  main  >>

2:02 p.m.

   Wow-its been awhile..i never really had access to a computer while i was in montrose..I tried installing internet but something went wrong on the computer up there so i pretty much gave up.

   My vacation-to say the least..was real boring. Of course it was passover, so the food was kinda hellish..but i dealt with it. I didn't work during the weekend cause the weather was awful..rainy and cold and my cousins from california and my grandmother were staying in my montrose home. It was weird that other people were living in our house and while we were not there. But we had a nice seder with them the first night, and the next night we went to the rosenbergs for seder and it was really nice also. TONS of good food. oh i'm sure i gained weight this vacation..bleh. and prom is in a month..and i want that dress to look good, so i am starting NOW on a diet. I went out and bought iced tea mix (unsweetened)..and whenever i'm hungry, i'll just drink that..so yeah. that'll work..and i will exercise.

  But basically what i did in montrose all of my vacation was sleep..do a little shopping at ames-which included buying 1000 piece puzzles and then i pretty much fat-assed it and worked on that a lot..and then i worked at the sports park..which i should be working at right now..but i came home early cause i look like crap, feel like crap, and i'm in pain..i'm SO tired..my dad looked at me last night and said "you look so awful..no color and big black circles under your eyes..you look worn out and practically dead"..well that was a big self-esteem boost *eye roll*..but its true..and i sat on the computer last night talking to jen and other people and the thought of work just made me start bawling..i haven't cried THAT hard in a long time..8 hours straight in the cold wind with no one to talk to and nothing to do and no break or food..kinda like prison i guess..and i just found out that its illegal to not allow breaks..so they're breaking the law..so anyway, i went in this morning and i didn't feel well and so josh told brett (my boss) and he found someone to cover for me so that i could come home..

  So i'm home and i'm going to workout a little and shower and get into really warm clothing, and i should be outside cause its really beautiful, but i suck and so i'm staying in..i guess. a warm bath sounds really nice about now..

  Anyway-Arielle came to binghamton last tuesday! I was SO excited..although we didn't get to hang out all that much..I drove up and met her at the SUNY binghamton campus because her brother was looking at the college..we met at the library, but i stood at the doors and she was sitting, and i thought it was her sitting on a chair, but i couldn't tell..so she's looking at me. and i'm looking at her, and we just didn't recognize each other.. plus i can't see that clearly from far away..but once we realized the other, we said our hellos and got in my car and i took her to meet jen. I had to go in first and make sure the dogs were not wild cause arielle is like deathly afraid of them..and she met jen for like a half hour..and then i drove her all the way to montrose-where we only stayed for like 15 minutes and then i drove her all the way back to binghamton cause she had to meet her parents at 3. I really enjoyed her company, and it gave us a lot of time to talk..i'm sure she was shocked at some of the things i had to say, about my personal life and stuff like that..but as long as she wasn't judmental, i understand the curiosity..so it was all good and i really miss her and i miss the summers:(

  I just pretty much spent the time with my family..rented some movies also..watched UNDRESSED on MTV..which is so damn addicting..and slept. yeah. you can't convince parents to let you drive a dark back road during foggy weather..so i had to stay in a lot.

  Steve came down for the day yesterday..which i looked forward to, but i felt bad cause i had nothing to entertain him with and we watched "house on haunted hill" which was really bad..and he wasn't feeling so great and he needed to go home..which i didn't object to cause i myself haven't been feeling so well either so i can understand him..i know i always want to be home when i'm sick..so i couldn't blame him..i'm not sure if i'm seeing him later tonight..

 but what i do know..is that for now-i need to stop writing and get my ass in gear and head out to the store to get a few things.

11:39 p.m.

    um..okay..huh. i don't know what to even say. its my fucking journal, steve, and i will fucking put you down if i need. you picked a girl who puts her life out to the world and i'm not holding back. and *you* fucked up so i have every right in the world to be pissed.

  *deep breath*...so yeah.he cheated on me. i had this feeling and not to say that he's been a bad boyfriend. cause he hasn't. but this past week, something was just different..i could tell..he was different..and i even jokingly said to jen "wow, he's being extra persistent in seeing me..probably cheated on me with arianna"..yeah i was joking. apparently it was true.

   And he stopped by today, just to give me a hug, and i come to the door with no makeup in a pajama thingy seeming so innocent and so goddamn young and just..with no clue in the world...it was the first time he ever stopped by to see me after GS practice..and i read in a magazine.and i know he thinks those are trash..but guess what..they were right..when a guy starts being a little more sweet..like you can definitely see a change..he's feeling guilty for something. and so i just sat on the couch and watched TV cause i've been sick all day anyhow..and then my show ended and one of those psychic commercials came on where you always hear about someone being cheated on..and i get up to check my mail and while i'm waiting to connect, the thought of him and her entered my head..and then i get the email..maybe i have some intuition type thingy..i really do..i can read people SO easily. i just felt something.

  its not like he slept with her. it was a kiss. not even a full force one. but still. and i blame her too. its kinda like common knowledge to know that if an ex has someone else..its kinda hands-off..no matter how much..but whatever..whats done is done and they are both guilty and i'm sitting here with my thumb up my ass not knowing what to do. we talked on the phone-both of us crying..and i just..i've lost trust....he wants to be with me..he does. i'm more than a girlfriend to him..i'm "one of the guys"..meaning he can talk to me..i'm just really dissapointed in him..really dissapointed.

 *sigh*

  and its weird but my attitude towards the whole relationship changed anyhow once she came home..i was like "i shouldn't be holding them up" and i really contemplated ending it, so he could be with her, and i would just date some other guy..but that's not what i really want. its been 4 months with steve..this is long for me..i care about him so much and..i just don't know what to do..for right now..i still consider him my boyfriend..but until i figure out if i want to keep it that way, we're kinda on hold..i just need to think and decipher between what is right, and what i want.

  oh yes. the medicine is kicking in..somewhat..

  and how stupid am i..but i kinda can see why they did it..maybe they needed to see if they had something left..and he said they realized it couldn't be..but ya know..just keeping it from me for a week..even having sex with me before telling me..just..its just wrong. and i'm tired and my eyes are puffy and i don't want to go to school tomorrow..i wish i knew this sooner so i could at last sleep late and not be so sick..

  how bad am i..seriously. when i first found out..i sat frantically on the computer trying to find jason sherman's number..i had it right here a few days ago, i remember seeing it, and i couldn't find it and i was so flustered..and i was really going to call him crying and just cause he has always given me the best advice..i ended up calling tina and that was perfect cause she definitely calmed me down and gave me good insight..

 but right now i really need to go to sleep..i'm too tired..jen's away at her aunts and really need to hug someone and cry..i'm so glad brian ayres is coming home tomorrow night..he was my backup prom date..and he might be going to europe:( whatever..everything will work out..hopefully...*sigh*