2 May, 2000-Tuesday

    Box 'o' fun

listening to: nothing

eating: nothing-no appetite

talking to:tiff, jason

missing:  being strong

reading:nothing

thinking: this is all bullshit

trying: to not get my stomach in a panic and calm down

feeling:pissed and betrayed

wanting: for this to never have happened.

wearing:  a blue sweater and jeans.

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   suprisingly..i'm dealing pretty well..although i'm really at a lack of sleep..i know i should take a nap cause i'm going somewhere later tonight..

   I didn't get to sleep last night until about 4:00 a.m...i was downstairs writing for awhile..and then i went upstairs and got ready for bed..and then i heard my parents fighting..my dad going balistic over me. granted, i had not said anything to him since he had come home from florida..i was dealing with the whole steve crap..so yes, i was on the phone for quite a while..but brian from michigan called and i had to get off with him cause i needed to be able to talk to steve..then jason sherman called, then steve, and then jen..so basically..I understand his theory of me not getting anything done and me putting to much time into my personal life. But ya know, you would think, since i was sitting here at my computer bawling, that i'm not in a mental state to be yelled at over dishes or something..and if there's one thing i can't stand about my dad..it's when something is going wrong in my life and i'm ticked or hurt or upset..that's when he decides to yell at me and see my reaction to test the waters and see how badly i'll open my mouth and curse him off. yes, my dad has provided lots for me. But as for his mentality-he's a prick. and that's so wrong to say but it is the truth.

   I knew i had to go to New Visions..so i was trying to stay calm so that my stomach would be okay and that i could go..and here i am in bed at 4 a.m. with my dad pretending to pack his bags and leave the house cause he can't deal with me or my mother. hence, let me repeat myself- i had not really said a word to him except that " i was busy" when he tried to yell at me i think over laundry or "are you going to do anything else tonight besides sit in front of the computer?"..i think after that one i just shot him a mean look as if to say "can you not interfere and leave me alone?"

   So anyway, i kept tossing and turning and trying to fall asleep and i guess i finally did..i had too many thoughts running in my head..at that point i was already out of tears..but i must have dozed off eventually and when i woke up it felt like i had slept nothing. which i did. But i got up and went to New Visions and sat there for 3 hours with chris and erica and mrs. jones. we did nothing productive today. as usual. I mean she gives us assignments, i just don't do them. I tend to lean more towards playing footgames with chris and kicking him..its fun. until he takes my shoes and tickles me and then i hit my shins on the board under the table..then it hurts..but seriously, that's what kept me occupied..we also sat and looked at the personals in the paper because we were like "prom mission: find kerri a date" and you should hear some of those personals..guys tend to like nascars..hehe..maybe i can drive up to my prom in one of those..yeah..*sarcasm*

  I went to my grandma's and she made me noodles..plain noodles..and i just couldn't eat..the thought of food i really haven't eaten today..this is a good thing. trust me. she was like "you look blue" and i was..i really was..and she went off being like "those goyim are no good kerri..they cheat.they're trash"..and then i was like "grandma i gotta go" and i just drove off and cried and listened to BUSH and felt better remembering a comment my mother said as we were driving home and i had "alien" by BUSH on in the car...and she fell asleep and woke up when we reached home and she was groggy when she woke up and she heard gavin sing "i'm an alien" but since he has a british accent..my mom goes in a sleepy voice "oh..they're already making songs about elian?" (as in gonzalez) and i thought that was so funny..she was so aloof and she didn't even wait for the answer..lol. guess you had to be there.

   oh no..not mariah..oh well..

   *sigh* i'm still trying to figure out what happened with steve..i still think that this whole thing is so fucked up. he's giving up and throwing away everything for fucking familiarity..

   I almost believe that he threw this whole thing away for that last chance to kiss her and be with her before she moves away for good. and not feel guilty. I wonder if he really thinks that is worth it.

  If he really is true in saying that every time he is with me he is SO happy..then, this is all bullshit and he's being way naive.

  I regret this journal..i regret some of the decisions i have made these past couple of months..i don't regret steve..

  i regret not bashing kendal's face in when she walked by me with a smirk and flipped her hair as if to say "haha" and then i walked by the computer room where she was and i said to jen "i bet she's emailing steve, right now"...

  Stan was like "oh rick's going to be happy..i betcha he'll be calling you tonight"  *sigh* oh god. no. i don't want that..now..

  I feel like i need to do something right now..like i need to see him or be in front of his face and be like "ya really want me gone?"..i just..i don't believe his total 180..