2 April, 2000-Sunday

9:43 p.m.

    God bless Napster. I'm listening to "time after time" by cyndi lauper.

    I guess you could say i am in one hell of a bitchy mood. or sad. whatever.

    my fault. i listen to sad music-it gets me this way. right now its "with or without you" by U2..tatoo that on me or something cause i'm feeling that totally.

    ohmigod the tears are so there right now. but i'm not letting them come through. no. i'm not...wait..yep they are. jen's sitting talking to me on AOL and she knows what's going on in my head and she knows how confused i am..and she blames it on when i talk to adam. and yeah, maybe it true..but i did call him today-to wish him a happy birthday cause he called me before my birthday to wish me a happy one. and it was only the right thing to do. and i get like this cause I feel important when i talk to him. He *wants* to hear about what i have to say, my ideas on anything, and just hearing me yap. my self-worth totally rises.

    and me and tina were talking last night about how Steve is such a hard worker and how he works so much towards his goals and everything and how it pushes me to try to be more cause it was what i thought was more my side of competitiveness..but tina didn't think that was it. she thought i do what i do to try to bring up my self worth around him. and i wish i could password protect this cause i don't want him to read it, but i'm not censoring myself so if anyone ever reads anything in here that offends them-too fucking bad. its a journal and its mine so consider yourself disclaimed. I'm not responsible for anybody's hurt feelings or whatever-you chose to read it.

    anyway, about self worth-tina's words were this "i could never be with anyone who jeopardizes my self-worth"..and i don't think steve purposely jeopardizes it, but it happens, because i'm NOT a priority in his life. this is true. I'm definitely one of the last things on his list of priorities, and he may not say it, but i know it. and it hurts so much, cause i know i'm worth a lot. I get the "leftover" time in his life..but he's got to understand me here, i just came out of a relationship where i was practically this boys first priority and its hard to go through that change. my parents, well actually my mom, constantly yells at me over this, cause they'll mention his name and ask when i talked to him last as if they want to rub it in my face that "school is a priority to him and it should be to you too"..as if i don't think about it enough..

    jon hasn't emailed me back since i emailed him and put my signature in the email (which includes my website) and i just bet that he reads this and decided he wasn't gonna email me or see if i care about him. And its so weird cause i started dating him 5 days..more like 3 actually after i met him..i met him when i was sitting on the stairs waiting to use the phone complaining to melissa about how emily was giving all us roomates attitude..and i guess he took a liking and starting making himself appear around me..but yeah..and then we dated for the entire trip..but in that short time, i knew him so well. I know what he would say about this relationship. I know what he would ask me about steve. He'd want to know one thing. And he would already know my answer before i said it, and i just know..and i don't think he'd feel like "ha" towards me for it..he'd be like "well..." oh fuck it. i don't know.i can picture what he'd say in my head and it makes me feel incredibly empty.

    but i know i've had this self-worth problem ever since i dated yonder. he made me feel like i was worth about the same as the dirt on the ground, and i vowed that i'd never be with a guy that made me feel like shit. well yonder purposely did it "you're stupid..and ignorant and naive and just dumb"..and steve would never ever do that to me. ever. but feeling so unimportant puts you on that same level.

    its not even the same as it was when we first dated..he wanted to see me more, he called more, he flirted more...and ever since its just been totally official, its definitely not the same. we never go out, we talk maybe a total of 10 minutes a day if you don't count the pauses in between our IMs. But i just don't understand why he has this huge wall around him that i can't even break through, let alone try to "climb up and peek in" to. I totally have no clue what goes on in his life, what he does when he's not with me. no clue in the world..basically..

    I guess i can't help but wonder if he feels like he *has* to be in this relationship as to not feel the guilt of ending it. I feel like so unimportant and like a burden..the more i think about it-*i'm* always the one asking for his time. and when i'm with him..its so so so great. i never want to leave, i like want to freeze those moments..but i rely on them for a week, till i see him again..

    and i'd never ever tell him what to do. i have no right..nor do i ask him really..and jen wants me to just ask him right to his face to give me more or not give me at all..and i don't have the guts to do that, because i know his answer...I would be gone..he'd say there was nothing else he could do so he was sorry and he'd end it. i'm pretty definite that's what it would be.

The1stIncubusFan: I've told you my opinion repeatedly, but I really am stressing it now, the point of a relationship is to spend all the time you can with your significant other.

    that would be tex-my therapist in training;)

    *sigh* i should just stop talking about this and talk about the concert.-which was incredible. I had so much fun with tina. Our ride up was a blast because these 2 car fulls of college guys would like drive along side us and look in and then drive past dancing in their seats and it was funny and fun and it was like catchup the whole way there..got to the concert and stood in line for an hour. once in, it was great. Moby was fucking incredlble..i danced as if i was in a club, jumping and shaking and busting a move! woo! then i made my way up closer for BU$H. and i busted my ears cause i was right near the speakers but i was SO close to the stage and at one point Gavin and Dave were only like 20 feet away..if that. Gavin blew a kiss in my general direction..who knows who it was meant for..but he like made eye contact and smiled and blew a kiss but you can never really tell exactly who to. Gavin was pumped, but he looked 10 years older than the last time i saw him..that's what years of touring and hardcore drugs will to ya though. Tina bawled during Glycerine, and i had a couple tears come out but not for that song..if they were to play ALIEN, i would be a mess..i love that song so much..but they never play it. But it was great to see them..they did "raise" me and i have always been a fan and if i was to ever get to talk to them-i would just say "thanks"..

   but afterwards we hung around and picked up a drumstick that was supposedly used by Robin (the drummer) and walked off with it..and then we got in the car, stopped at a gas station and got some food, and then went on our way home-thank goodness for road signs..and that was that.

   today i just woke up, got dressed, went and hit some golf balls with my dad..worked out a little on the golf strengthening machines and came home and showered and then we went to dinner at grande's. SO good. mmm..now my tummy hurts..a lot.

   tomorrow i have my interview for the sports park..and then i'm supposed to hang out with adam. i haven't seen him since the beginning of february and yeah. He actually asked for my time so i didn't refuse. I don't really have guy friends who aren't interested in more with me. So i'm not holding myself back from seeing any guys. we're just hanging out as friends. And steve's busy anyway. So right now i don't feel well and if i dont' tomorrow, i'll just have adam come over and watch a movie..not like i have any money anyhow, even if adam always pays..just in case i need to bring, and i dont' have..so i guess that solves that.

   my parents want me to go to philly this weekend with them. I don't want to. #1) if i'm hired, then i might have to work #2) I'm gonna want to see steve..but i can't use that as a valid excuse cause he usually has other plans anyhow so my parents know that #3) emily might be coming up to visit cornell so i want to see her on saturday night-i'd go pick her up, bring her here and hang out, she'll spend the night, and then i'll take her to the bus.

   oh yeah-jason got his present. YAY-really fast too..got it the next morning. So i can tell what i gave him. I gave him a batch of his favorite brownies (and if they're not, he better not tell me otherwise;) ), a picture i painted of pooh and friends that had a thing about friendship on it (jason LOVES pooh bear), a long sleeve blue shirt with a nittany lion on the front with a nike sign underneath it, and "penn state" going down the arm (with a note telling him what kind of pants it matches, cause he needs my help in matching clothing-ja, i prefer it with cargo green khakis), and a frisbee with the penn state symbol on it and i wrote on the underside "if it wasn't for frisbee..who knows?" (cause when i liked him, i played frisbee to be near him and get his attention..guess it worked)..and a birthday card with the usual in it. And he really liked it. so yeah-it was fun to put that "birthday care package" together:)

   anyway-i'm tired, and in pain. i know i'll be sorry i put this entry up.

  <<  main  >>