28 March, 2000-Tuesday

8:49 p.m.

   yeah. i just totally neglected the movie that i was watching. I started it like 20 minutes ago and decided i'd fill out the Census 2000 while i was watching. This year we were blessed to get the long form. yay *sarcasm*. I gave up on filling it out. I don't know personal work details about my dad..nor my mom..so i can't really fill it out. so i gave up and decided to write.

   I was listening to a Kenny G millenium mix that dave had me download a couple days ago, but i only downloaded a little bit of it. Its really sad..its like all these snippets of radio announcements and war and whats going on in america with the new years eve theme in the backround. it really is beautiful. and it got me thinking.

   Most americans..well we take for granted our country. I take it for granted..and as beautiful as that music might be, i'm still gonna take it for granted and just say "oh that's nice" and not think about it much again. But in israel, that was the first time that i ever realized why people love their country. I mean sitting here and trying to describe that feeling to someone reading these words on the other side of a screen is just incredibly pointless. you don't know the feeling. unless you have been there, you can't even try to imagine...I don't know where i was, i don't remember who i was with (i'm guessing probably in old jerusalem with erin and that crew)..but i remember saying "now, i really understand why people fight for their country..why they WANT to do it and wouldn't mind dying for it"..and i do. I really do. I miss israel so much...its in my heart now and i just remember running down (very carefully) incredibly steep mountains with some of the kids on my bus, on land where our forefathers once walked..taking pictures..hearing the sounds of falling rocks..jumping into pools of water every so often through the hike..unless you've gone, its nothing like you can imagine.

   I've been talking to Erin about this summer. We want to go on the same trip. Do the same thing. The one problem is that she's on year younger than me..but she's like my best friend from TJJ and i can't imagine this summer without her..so we're thinking about Eurojolt..here's what that is:

EUROJOLT:

Experience the joy of sharing as we bring Shabbat to various communities throughout Europe. Join with Jews young and old for learning, singing and uplifting moments, all designed to strengthen the communities’ feeling for Judaism.

Delve into our rich history as EuroJolt brings the past alive while traveling through Eastern Europe. Gain a greater understanding of 1,000 years of Jewish life in Poland, explore the tragic events of the Holocaust and journey into Czechoslovakia and the beautiful city of Prague. Prior to returning home, you will spend 10 days in Israel exploring historical sights in Jerusalem, experiencing the beauty of our homeland and reflecting on your encounters in Europe.

Price: $4950 plus $50 registration fee

Dates: July 9 - August 17

Eligibility: High School boys and girls grades 11-12 who have attended Kollel, Michlelet or Israel Summer Experience (ISE)

here's the deal with that..i didhn't attend any of those eligibility programs. But I know that i can call the rabbi and get some pull cause the program i went on was TJJ and it was not nearly as intense learning wise as those programs. granted, i know i'm not gonna like the learning all that much..but if i stay away from boys (ie: not getting involved) i should be okay. and i wasn't planning on getting involved.

   ugh i don't want to leave steve..i mean i can't guarantee that months from now we'll still be together, so i can't turn this down in hopes that we still are..but things are confusing..and plus it ends on the day i have to be IN college..but i know that on those trips we have a guy who takes care of taking people to the hospital and running errands and stuff so if i needed to leave a couple days early, i'm pretty sure they can arrange for that..ehh who knows. I hate thinking about this..the thing is last year at this time i already knew what i was gonna do..why does everything have to be so fucking difficult? ugh.

   I felt awful today when i woke up..I went to sleep late cause i've just been up late cause i can never get what i want done, in enough time. So i planned on waking up and showering and i couldn't even get out of bed till the last minute..i was still late to my internship and i looked like complete crap..SO tired..my hair hadn't been washed in days and i just put it up in a scum bun. I felt like i really was going to throw up all day, until i got home and ate some solid food and took a long hot shower..i did my eyebrows..and i was set to go i clean pajamas. I cleaned my room (i never know if steve is gonna show up) and i came downstairs..i ended up falling asleep on the couch until my mother yelled at me for something..

   I ate leftover soup for dinner and ate more of the marshmallows out of the lucky charms and that completed my dinner. I'm starving but at the same time i'm not. i'm craving something but i don't know what it is. maybe its sleep. who knows. I got my "marie claire" magazine in the mail and it pisses me off that janeane garafolo went ahead and is now 110 pounds. fuck that. why do they all have to get so skinny, and make the rest of us look like heffers.

   i need to get my nails filled but i'm saving my lack of money to get jason something for his birthday, and since i came up with an idea, he'll have to wait until next week when he gets it cause i'll send it out on friday. so i froze the brownies so that they don't get old.

   Just about 5 minutes ago i felt like i had a ton to say, and now i'm practically speechless..

   i'm going down to penn state tomorrow so that i can be there for college of communications orientation thursday morning. i've got part of me pulling me in one direction-which is to leave..and the other part pulling me in this direction-not wanting to leave. Jen's going to New Paltz. I don't even know where that is and but i'm guessing its probably around 5-6 hours from penn state. that's sick. too far. Everyone always goes away. my best friends from camp-always lived so far..best friend from tjj-in miami..best guy friend-in buffalo..ex-boyfriends included-in canada. people who really love(d) me live too far away and now i'm losing more. great.

   i guess i'm just in a lonelier mood since i've been home all day. this weather puts me in a shitty mood and my head always hurts and that's on top of the tummy pain. am i being punished or something?

   I remember when i got so sick again..with the mono and then the relapse of the stomach, my mom was sick in the hospital for the 2nd time in like 3 months....i remember crying to tiff online telling her that God was punishing me for having sex so early. that it was all a punishment. that at 17 (what i was then) i shouldn't have to be dealing with this. my 87 year old grandmother is in better health than me..and tiff told me not to blame it on God. He wasn't punishing me, that what i did was part of life and so miniscule..he wouldn't be punishing me for that.

   at the same time, me and tiff were both reading SUMMER SISTERS by Judy Blume, and theres this one part in it where the main character (i swear, that character was written with me in mind..completely..her 17 year old summer paralleled mine. its incredibly scary how similiar they are)..and the main character (i don't remember her name) had a summer boyfriend and she lost her virginity to him and then a few months later, got a letter from her family that her brother who had MS or something, had died. And she felt that that was her punishment for having sex so early, for enjoying herself. and i remember reading that and thinking, "oh my god" i did the same thing..tiff made me feel better that its not true..that's not reason enough for punishment...i hope she's right.

   saturday is the Bush concert. I'm excited..seriously..i doubt i'm gonna see steve until next week..and even then with all his homework, i'll be lucky if i do. so it goes. that's life i guess. I'm not mad that he has so much homework, i mean at SV we don't get so much, but i guess i prioritize in a different way. last year i always sacrificed sleep or something, or doing half-assed jobs on homework, so that i could see my boyfriends...ehh whatever..come to think of it..a year ago today, me and tim ended. he was so incredibly hot..but such a prick. he dumped me cause he thought i was prude. he didn't have respect for me anyhow. I never see him unless i'm at the mall..he works at Lids..but if we ever do walk by each other, he totally blows me off as if he never knew me and that's fine. cause i really don't care. he was a loser, but hot. and that was it. he hardly enters my thoughts anymore..

   i feel like i should type some poetry up or something..i think i'm gonna do that..i have a little bit of time and then i think i will go to bed. i have a long day ahead of me.

   I feel bad that i've been blowing Dave off..but you know, i dont have the energy to talk about this, and i just it embarassed me and i can't help but feel like for right now, i don't want to talk to him. and i know how much that hurts him cause i know that he values my opinion on *everything*..and as sorry as he says he can be, i just can't think about it now. he wrote me a whole journal entry about how he felt about the whole thing cause my writing inspired him to do the same thing..and well..it just felt like he was kissing my ass to get my forgiveness. and i guess my mom is right when she says that "kerri, you are one hell of a bitch"..and i seriously must be, cause i've been getting that a lot this week.

   i just want a cuddle buddy right now..at this point i would't care who it is..i just want a goddamn hug and i don't want one from my parents. i'm very unaffectionate with them, but i just...where's my hug?

mmmmm...perfect lyrics...

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