27 March, 2000-Monday
3:01 p.m.
hmm..Guiding Light is on..i should watch it, seeing as how i'm so confused as to what's been going on lately..but i can just check the webpage instead.
I'm not feeling too well today. I haven't eaten much..and i can't eat for another like half an hour until the medicine dissolves and starts working. I guess i like that about this medicine. Since i can't take it with food (the food will absorb 25% of it) i have to control when i eat. discipline. fun stuff.
I was SO tired this morning. I was up late, what i call, "fixing a friendship" with Jenn Rodzinka. She yelled and I yelled and then we finally backed down. Well i did. i didn't realize what i was doing. I thought i just didn't care. And i was being a stuck up, self-righteous bitch to her, and she kept getting upset and asking me where the kerri she knew was. She says she knew that i had forgotten about what we had last year. And i hadn't forgotten, but i put it in the back of my mind because i honestly didn't want to think about it...I couldn't understand why she cared so much about rick..cause he wasn't her first love..and what made me realize i was being totally wrong was when she said "but don't you get why i care so much? Rick was the first relationship that was great..and he was the first guy that i loved that actually loved me back". That's when i kicked myself and realized i was being totally wrong in leading rick on, when i have a boyfriend, and its hurting my best friend from last year. So we got off the rick topic and talked about why our friendship changed...
Jenn knows me too well honestly, she knew i wasn't being who i used to be. Granted, i'm not who i used to be..but this year i put up this front around people i'm not so close with. I act like i'm all mature and everything. And I can do that. Being in this program for journalism and working with big companies teaches you how to be an adult. But she's right when she said that "kerri..don't you get it? you've grown up too fast. you have 40 years to sit in a cubicle..you only have 2 more years to be a teenager..i know living your life with your parents is hard, i know they have guidelines and standards and look down upon everyone else and make you live up to their standards. But if its not what you really want..why are you doing it?"
and it made me think cause..well..i am happy with the way things are. I think why me and jen click and are the best of friends right now, is that we relate in being teenagers together, but we both have had home lives that have made us grow up faster than the norm. iono. I mean there is this desire in me to go out and party and be wild..and i do party and am a little wild..but definitely not to the extent of last year. and to tell the honest truth, i do miss it. But i told jenn that when may 29th comes around we can go get trashed..cause i have to make it one year. Its just something i have to do. It bugs me that i couldn't make the minimum age for having sex. I promised myself and my parents i would wait until i was 18. Well i didn't. So to make up for it, i have to make this one year. I need control..i hate feeling out of control..i really do..that's what mostly affects my eating habits and my weight. *sigh*
so we made up..and we cried to each other and i miss her and we worked things out and she wants to be there for me through all that's going on in my life and just be there. and i want to for her too. I did have this mental image of what she was like and i was wrong. i kept thinking she was a drunk and hung out with druggies..but she does work hard in school, has a job, and has a big dance career..that never even factored into my thoughts. I was so wrong..and i was being bitchy. although, i mean, i know i'm more self-righteous, i know i put on this attitude to make it seem like i shouldn't be taken advantage of. It's different from how i used to be-so naive...hmmm..i bet i still am..we've realized we've both changed...but a good qoute i once heard was "friends don't have to change, as long as friends let each other change"..so that's my inspiring thought for the day...
anyway, i wrote rick an email and this is how it went:
Subj: hey rick...
Date: 3/27/00 1:54:29 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: TennKer
To: Bonedog18
hey rick!
I've been thinking..i feel like i've been leading you down the wrong path..ya know..making you think i was interested in more. I'm sorry if i did. That's me, flirty and all..and i don't know why i was keeping you strung a long.i'm not interested in having anything, rick..nothing more..but i thought if i told you that i wasn't interested..you'd take it as if i wasn't interested in a friendship..and it just got out of hand.
I'm real sorry.
Don't blame Jenn. At all. It really has nothing to do with what she wants. Its what i want. cause i know the first thing you are going to do, is blame it on jenn. I'm not at the time in my life where i feel i can be more with you. I really wish you luck in what happens with future girls.
i still hope we can be friends.
i'm sorry.
kerri
so if he wants a friendship..whatever..i'm not losing out if he doesn't..i would *never* trade steve for any of the guys i know right now..but it was hard to explain that to jenn..i'm just glad things are worked out...somewhat.
today at new visions..we went over to security mutual to listen to graphic designers talk about their jobs. i was SO bored....DP Jones made us go the library and it was totally pointless..but that's new visions for ya..see that's what i'm talking about..we meet all these people to "network" and at 18 with no college degree..who really gives a fuck. uugghh..i'm at my wits end with her..she's SO annoying and fake.
i'm eating bread. its dull, it won't hurt my stomach..and it tastes REALLY good..and i'm sitting on my ass writing and procrastinating cause i need to do something for jason's birthday which is in 3 days. I'm So clueless as to what to give him..and i'm not gonna say what i have in mind cause if he reads this page, then it'll ruin the suprise;P..but the boy gave me a gold necklace with a pretty charm on it out of the blue a couple months ago..and he's so thoughtful and i wish i could be so thoughtful and give him something he likes..but i have no idea what the could possibly be right now. and whatever i do, it has to be shipped out tomorrow to get to him on his birthday..
woohoo! casssie and richard finally are gonna get their groove on..finally..only took 4 long months, guiding light.
I turned my application into the Conklin Sports Park today..i hopefully should hear back within a week..and according to the owner, he'll call me in, and just "chit chat" for a little while..so me and steph were trying to figure out if i worked like 4 hours a night, 5 days a week..at $5.15/hour..i'd be making like $90 bucks a week..something like that? yeah..that's pretty cool..i would do that..and get free range balls? i'm gonna be a pro golfer in no time..pshh..yeah right!
I've gotta figure out something for jason..oy..wish i was creative...
10:36 p.m.
Oh what a hectic day. I was relaxing and working on something for ja, when i get a phone call..it's jen..and she's just been in a car accident. That's pure adrenaline..i was out of the house to go pick up toria (her sister) and drive to the scene. we see all these police lights and go ohmigod.so i parked on the side and got out and the police officer was really friendly and funny and he told me to put jen's stuff from her car into my car cause her car was gonna be towed and from the damage done, it didn't seem like she would be getting it back. So it was so cold and raining and it was getting dark..so she finished her paperwork and i took her home.
I didn't know what to say..but her not having a car is gonna change things and its gonna be hard and the only thing i can do is just be available if she needs it whenever possible cause i know what its like to be without a car once you've had it and its really horrible.
I don't want to elaborate on the topic..but when she was crying-i've NEVER seen her cry like that before and it stunned me..and it hurt..cause just looking at the way she was..it was just so sad and innocent..and its like you want to fix the world for her, but you just..you just can't.
so i took her to the Giant..and then i tried to ease the hurt over it by being funny when i was driving her back..i asked her if i had the right of way when drivin and she goes, "yeah you can go before them" and then i was laughing hysterically cause i was like "haha..i just asked YOU for driving help. haha" and she was like "okay ker, go ahead make fun"..but i couldn't stop laughing..i guess you had to have been there..
*giggle*
UGHHH why don't the brownies i bake ever turn out! they are always gooey and falling apart. so no suprise jason, but enjoy your brownies. at least they taste good! they only stick together when i bake them at jen's house.. grrrrrr.
I have yet to shower.
And dex called me while i was on the phone with steve. my mom told him i'd call him back. I thought my mom was smart enough to realize that "duh" i can't call him back. that's leading him on, he wants me, if he wants to talk to me, he can call..so she's mad now cause that makes her look bad for not giving the message, even though she did.
but yeah. steve did call me. suprise suprise;P (sorry steve..)..if i don't get to hang out with him tomorrow, well then, i won't get to see him until sunday. Unless i go up to cortland with tina friday night to see them play and then come home and then go back with tina to oswego to see BU$H..which i don't think is gonna fly. but who knows..its only monday and friday is like a year away..
half day tomorrow. i think i'll probably hang out with emily, or go to sleep.who knows..i really just want to see steve. you can't blame a girl for wanting to see her boyfriend..i feel closer to him since friday. I really do..and i know he thinks i'm jealous of the girls that drool over him at his shows...but not jealous, i just don't like the looks..the feeling of being judged. cause i'm a girl and i have done it to other girls whos boyfriends i've wanted. you look em up and down and then criticize everything. its just ugghh..but it works both ways with us..and the jealousy that we "try" not to show. he does the same when i talk to a guy friend he doesn't know.
me and mandy were laughing about how boys show their jealousy in a different way..it goes like this: "so who was that you were talking to"..lol. and girls..well if we are jealous, we don't show it..i hardly show it..but if its really getting to me, i'll let out a hint. but me and steve both have other people that like us that we both like to flirt with..and its okay..cause if he feels the same way about these girls than i feel about these guys, then i know we have nothing to worry about cause well, i'm only interested in him.
i noticed a lot of me and steve's flirting is "oh you want her, well then be with her, i won't hold you back" and likewise. and i'm secure in that its just fun and thats it.
yeah i'm just rambling.
my eyes are drooping and i'm so tired and grubby..i need to shower.
god, i never thought i'd be so into him..i never wanted it to be like this..but i can't help it..i just have too much fun with him and the longer i know him..the more i fall..and i know he's not gonna want that, and neither will i cause of college. but for right now-i don't want to think about that. we'll handle that when the time comes.
night, sweets.