26 March, 2000-Sunday

10:48 p.m.

   oh god..the parents are in the kitchen fighting over money and the lack of it..and my mom is going nuts cause my aunt makes her that way and my grandmother is not well and we can't figure out what to do for passover cause if my aunt doesn't get to see my grandmother, and chas v'shalom, something happens, well then..my aunt will blame my mom for not working out a passover deal. the main thing is, my mom is not well enough to make a seder for 30 people 2 nights in a row. that's a lot of cooking and setting up and we can't do that. My dad wants to forget about Passover for now..and you just can't do that. you can't not celebrate passover..i did that my sophomore year when i went to england and i feel guilty cause of it.

   anyway..i had a nice relaxing day.

   I woke up at 3:30..cause jen had my mom wake me up. I remember my mom walking in and telling me Yitz was on the phone earlier and i didn't feel like talking..i was too tired..and i had no energy to hear all about convention.

   So she woke me up and asked me to play tennis. I was all up for it cause i hadn't played for real since i came down with mono. So we played..it was cold so i had to go home and get changed..but we played and i didn't suck as much as i thought i would..but i was kinda bored. suprisingly, i was aching to get over to the sports park to hit a few golf balls and see if my dad was there and try to have my dad put in some words for me to get a job. Already i'm pretty sure i've got the job and i haven't even filled out the application. I met the owner of the sports park..his mother was my preschool teacher. then since the driving range was closed, i went into the golf center and hit balls into the net. Todd (the pro) was there too. My dad told him i was looking for a job. He goes "when are you available" i replied with "most of the time" and he's like "you're responsible?" and my dad goes "yes, she is" and he asked where i wanted to work and i was like "the golf part of the sports park" and he was like "well then i'll talk to brent for ya"..so yay..i might be employed..:)

   so i came home and just came online and relaxed..

   Ugghh...Jenn Rodzinka (my best friend last year) went TOTALLY off on me. She thinks i lied to her about rick. I don't consider what i said to her "lying" , only stretching the truth. She was upset that he had been hitting on me. I didn't tell her that. I told Chris. Rick has been hitting on me majorly. He's been telling me that he's liked me for a long time (she says that he's lying to me)..i don't think he was.i remember telling him before i knew he liked me, that i had my eye on a guy in a band..and then a month later he asked me what happened with that and i was like "absolutely nothing"(this was in december before anything did happen with steve..i never thought it would) and he's like "nothing's happening here with girls" and then he went on to confess that he's always liked me..more than jenn..that i'm beautiful and funny and fit into everything with his friends and stuff. I told him that i couldn't see him cause i was leaving for NJ during christmas break. So then he just kept pursuing..asking me to meet him at clubs..go out to movies..and i kept making excuses not to..yeah i guess i led him on. but i do consider him a friend.

   eh..so anyway..i told chris about this, and of course he told Jenn..so jenn went off a couple weeks ago saying how hurt she was that he felt like that (mind you, they haven't dated in a year)..so trying to be nice i put him down to make it seem like she could do better..i was saying things like he's such a loser and and stuff like that..i don't truly believe it..but she went and told him i thought that, and then he came back and was like "how could you? If you don't like me, then tell me to fuck off" and i told him i liked him as a friend..grrrr...anyways its so complicated..cause now they are fighting cause she won't get over him and she gets jealous over him with ANY girl..and they put me right smack in the middle of this whole fucking mess. Just cause i'm friends with him and he likes me. Granted, he likes me a little too much (ie: the other day i was going to the mall to see Steve play in some band, and i had to stop talking to him online cause i told him i was going to the mall..so as i'm walking through the mall..i look over and there he is..with caniff..and rick had definitely been drinking..so yeah..he followed me to the mall..)..I mean, i have this problem with just coming out to guys that like me and saying "i have a boyfriend"..subconsciously, i'm afraid to lose their attention...however sick, i admit..i feed on it..

   So jenn IMs me today and starts saying stupid shit like "well well well" and i was like "what:?" and she was like "nothing. don't worry about it" and i was like "okay i won't" and she was like "well that's you" and i'm like "you know, if you're gonna be stupid, fucking stop IMing me" and then she spills her guts about how *i* make *her* sick cause i lied to her and how i want rick. and i'm like "hello, I have had a boyfriend for 2 months now" and she's like "still..you lied and rick's lieing to you" and then i just flipped and told her to get over her jealousy and get over him cause its been a whole year. he's not even her first love, and they only dated for 2 months..and he lied completely to her about seeing other girls..he was practically cheating on her...So yeah. then she was like "me jealous of you? ha" and i'm like "this is stupid. i don't need this. I have a boyfriend and plenty of friends. i don't need to deal with this" and she just kept going on and i was like "ya know what, go hang out with your drug-ass friends" and that was harsh and i wasn't talkintg about tracie in particular but she took it  as that and got really pissed and i was like "i wasn't talking about tracie in general..but from what you've told me you've done drug-wise..i can just imagine what your friends are like"..and then i couldn't take it anymore and dinner was on the table so i said if she had any more shit to deal with, well then she can call me and take it up with me then.

   granted, this is all over rick phoenix. *eye roll* I don't want rick..never intended to go out with him.he's just my friend..and its sick how obsessed she still is with him. and in a way i feel bad for her..she should have gone away to college..she shouldn't be fucking around with these friends of hers..all of them are highschool dropouts who got their GED. and this is my best friend from last year, and yes i had a lot of fun with her..but it wasn't "legal" fun..we drank, we used fake i.d.'s to get into bars, we got high, we hooked up with random guys, we went to parties..we lied to our parents a lot..it was bad..at the time i thought it was great. but i'm over that wild streak. i'm so much more reserved..and so are my friends and my boyfriend. they all have futures.

   I haven't seen her online tonight..but after dinner, i called emily back..we talked for a while..until Brian Schwartz called. i was SO suprised. We talked for a LONG time..its funny cause he trusts me with all these secrets..even at yarchei kallah (over christmas break)..he had just met me and trusted me..and him and ricky called me every night from their room..it was fun. i was interested in ricky. but that didn't pan out. my fault. but these boys are still so cool, and it makes my day when they call..so me and brian talked and he wants me to go on the all girls program in israel cause he's going on the all boys program and he "swears" that both programs see a lot of each other. But i refuse..he's a cutie though, even though he's just 15..but go look at his page..he was the "hottie" at yarchei. hehe right now, ricky is trying to get me to go national convention..um..i think i might not be able to go..and he can't have me anyway. he's now asking me about steve..he's jealous..aww ricky..you're too cute.

so yeah that's basically my night. haven't gotten a phone call from steve..nor have we talked online..I know i should be showering but i'm not ready to go to sleep..i hope i get to see steve tomorrow..oy, i am SO pathetic. somebody slap me. god he really knows how to make me pine for him...that's sick.

   mmm..enjoying my baked apple..

   emily(tjj) has a therapist..i want a therapist:(...oh...well i guess that's what jen's for;)

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