25 March, 2000-Saturday

1:38 a.m (actually early sunday morning)

   well..what can i say? i had the party last night and i had a lot of fun.

   I'd have to say i was a bit nervous about going to the show and seeing Steve. I mean we had just had what he calls "our bad week" and yeah...it was..but things are so much better now..I know that i can be okay with this if when i'm with him i feel comfortable. after we said our first hellos, it was good. really good. I enjoyed the show cause all those little girls who like the band were there and the 2 girls that like steve. And it was like the beginning of our relationship..teasing and looks and knowing that when he's up there playing-i'm getting what those girls are desiring. And it makes me want him SO much more when these girls are standing in front of them with their shirts off and slutty clothing and screaming and giving him looks. he's in a band-he likes it. I think its adorable and how he gives them looks to rev them up. it's all rock and roll, baby.

   Tina grabbed my camera from me cause she gets up right in their faces and takes pictures. She took so many closeups of steve..and there is this one i can't wait to get back..where's he's playing the guitar, head up with his eyes closed..as if it hurts to play..it was like a mental orgasm. I get the looks from him and i get the faces and it used to be more of a lust situation,..i mean it still is..but now that i've been with him for like 2 1/2 months..or something like that...its more of a feeling of being proud. like "look..look at how talented my boyfriend is!" if he could transmit any part of him during "osmosis" ..it would be talent.

   ucch i'm eating again..i can't eat dinner..i just can't..so i nosh..and its making me fat(ter)..well..who knows..i wish they would just make lucky charms marshmallows..so you don't have to pick through the nutritious parts.

   anyway, Dave came down with me to montrose..he's changed in looks since i've seen him-grungier looking, but it fits him. i just rather the clean cut look. But i thought i could trust him. I showed him the liqour cabinet ..and i thought he wouldn't go into it..i just showed him cause i thought he'd be impressed..i was just showing him around my house..well the girls showed up and when i wasn't watching..he was taking swigs. And you know what? he was plastered by the time of the show. And i felt horrible. it was my fault for showing him, i was ashamed to introduce him as my best friend, and he made a total fool out of himself. and i know he reads this and i'm sorry..but..i wasn't pleased..i didn't hang with him at the show cause some girl thought he was cute so he was spending time with her. which was good cause i wasn't in the mood to handle it.

   the band played great. and then some stupid punk decided to go up to the microphone in between bands and try to be funny. I wasn't really listening to what he said until i caught the word "jew"..and he said it not to anyone in particular (no one in montrose knows who i am)..but he was using it as a huge insult and just running his mouth..and i guess said "blah blah blah you jew" a bit too many times. It didn't hurt me personally, but it hurt..and then when all of your friends are looking at you to see your reaction..its like "ouch".. I just don't understand kids like this. I mean i understand most montrose people don't know a jewish person cause we are the only jewish family in montrose..but still..

   after about a minute..i see steve with a real big pissed off look on his face go up to the microphone and i just watched what he was doing. The punk-ass kid was standing in a group of friends laughing about something or other..and you hear  steve say  "hey kid..don't you ever fucking use that term again. Don't use it in a derogatory way..i'll kick your ass..so leave. you don't need to be here" or something like that..i didn't catch it cause i was just in shock. complete shock that he got up there and yelled at the kid. and then the kid looked and him and goes "well guess what, i'm a fucking nazi" and then took a bow. I thought steve was gonna kill him. *I* felt like i was gonna kill him.  But i felt i had to be the bigger person in it..people like that don't deserve life. and however cruel and god-like judgemental of me, i don't give a fuck. i wish that kid was dead.

   but just looking at steve when he did that. I never wanted him more in my life...it was hard for me to hold back on being too PDA (can't get the fans mad ;) ) but i just..was like..wow. My boyfriend stuck up for me. I've never seen him so pissed and i..oh god..i'm lucky. Steve could have murdered that kid..he's the strongest kid me and my friends all know. He would never start a fight, but if someone was to start with him. man. they'd be gone.

   at first at the show. I walk in and Joel's (the drummer) girlfriend-sara, came running up to tina. She looked at me and left..i was just looking around the crowd when all of a sudden i see sara pop out of it holding a girls arm..who stops dead in her tracks when she saw me. she and sara were whispering and eyeing and i was like "emily save me." cause steve does think this girl is cute..and i dont' know why i was intimidated cause i'm with him..but emily kept saying "ohmigod ker, you're worried about that..and all these little trashy girls? c'mon. you're ten times prettier and better..plus, you're his". and it was cool to hear it but like. I'm so not like those people who go to those shows. yuck!i dress so much preppier and i felt stupid for feeling like i had to look whorish to go to the show, but i'm glad i stuck to clean cut. So anyway the boys played GREAT! they were pumped and they were just having so much fun, and that's really what its all about.

   once they ended..i wanted to get out of there! went with the girls back to my house and hung out till the boys showed up.  When they did we pretty much all got into pajamas..some people left...and we got under blankets and watched Clerks. Then jen showed up with joe, ryan, and sean. I was so happy sean showed up. i know he thinks everyone hates him and stuff but i definitely don't. He didn't stay too long..i didn't even know he had left..but he had shit to take care of i guess..

   mmm...rewind..i wanna go back to last night..laying with steve watching clerks.

   I saw him again tonight.

   But first today i had to clean up the house (everyone had left before i even woke up..even steve..though he left a note: ) ) and then i watched a little of empire records. and THEN..went over to play with sydney..i have to babysit her thursday and her separation anxiety from her parents is getting worse and its so hard to watch her without her crying for her mom/dad...then came home and showered and got ready to go to my friend Chris's house.i decided to follow Nick Shirk up to chris's house cause i didn't know how to get there..as we're driving on the highway-thunder and POURING rain..i was SO scared..SO scared..i couldn't even see the lines on the highway..it was dark..and Nick was driving so fast it was hard to follow..it worked me up so much that i didn't feel well all at chris's..and thankfully we made it.

   We watched OfficeSpace..funny at first..then it sucks. it was cool to all hang out outside of the classroom..then lindsay and erica went to nick's house cause they were going to come to jason's..and they didn't..i bet they're gonna be mad at me, cause i don't know if i was supposed to call once i got to jason's or not. But they were no shows..Steve wasn't there when i got there so i figured that he wasn't going to come..it was already 12..i hung out and talked to this kid i met named Tim. Then i was bored so i was playing the piano and Tim sat down and asked me to play stuff for him..and i suck. and he kept going "no. you're really great" and like all flirty and close and stuff..then steve showed up. good timing cause the guy was all compliments and flirty. once steve leaned over and kissed me, the kid got the hint and said "so i take it you two are together" and i was like "yup". and he was like "wait..so you might know my girlfriend at vestal" and i was like "eww..player or loser..." hehe..i actually think steve and that kid knew each other..ehh who knows..

   So the boy stayed for bout like 5 minutes or so...and then decided he wanted to go home. i was like "okkayyy" but he was tired, going on no sleep and he has to work tomorrow.. And then jason was kinda making me feel paranoid and less desirable..he was like " i dont' get it..that kid can get it if he wants. its always offered and he turns it down. what's his problem?" and i was like kinda embarassed i mean cause i want my guy to want me..but i just joke and say that he has the estrogen and i have the testosterone in this relationship. so it bugged me that they were saying stuff bout him and me and uugghh..so i went to the car and asked tina and jen if there really was something i was doing wrong and they were like "no. relationships don't have to be about sex"..

   but before i had asked jason if steve ever talked about us and he was like "no.." and i was like "why?" and his response "cause the kid probably has a lot of respect for you" and that bothered me too. I hope that me writing this journal and getting detailed but not too graphic is disrespectful to steve..i mean i know that he said he didn't mind..but i need to know if he meant it. cause i truly do respect him. a lot.

   in a way i think i'm trying too hard. i mean last night was just so perfect with him. I truly enjoyed it, and he stayed over which i didn't think he was going to and it was..hmmm..nothing less of perfect for me. those are the types of things i love. friends, a nice cozy house, a snuggle boyfriend, and food. what more could you possibly ask for? I just hope he doesn't lose interest..but i'm also more myself now around people when he's there..i speak my mind like i'm used to, and i don't  hesitate to think about what it is that's gonna  come out of my mouth in front of him.

   I was talking to Tim ames (AFRO-MAN)  about me and steve cause he asked like what we were gonna do about school next year and about the fact that i don't see him that much. and i told him that who knows whats gonna happen, but the not seeing him that much makes it feel like much more of a grown up relationship. like we go places and date and stuff..not the usual up your ass relatioship..and as for college, who knows. but the good thing that tim brought up before i even did was that the main thing in me and steve's relationship..is that we're..realistic. after highschool, your entire life changes.

*sigh*

*yawn*

   I need to catch up on sleep here..i had a really long day..i need to just crash...

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