24 March, 2000-Friday

12:29 p.m.

    So tonight is the big party. Well i don't know if its gonna be big..i have no clue honestly who the hell is gonna show up or stay over.

   It's just SO beautiful outside right now and i don't want to go back to school..i love driving home when its beautiful, i put the windows down, i open the sunroof..i blare my music and i just..cruise..hehe.."pimpin yo". all these hot guys drive by and look and..its just cause my musics loud..right?;)

   anyway, i'm all about listening to music i haven't listened to in ages these past couple days. Listening to Bush..and yesterday morning, i broke out my Chicago CD. they are just too damned good, and if anybody has a comment on that..well.then. keep it to yourself. cause *i* like 'em. And i listened to Souls (a band that was signed to Gavin Rossdales new record label "mad dog winston" and they broke up shortly after. they're cd is incredible though, and i wish they had stuck around.

   I just have this desire to skip school right now, drive down to montrose and get back into shorts and a tee and go down to my dock, sit on it with my journal, tanning oil, and just relax..i used to do that every day after i had come home from israel, until jon came, then he left, i went to san francisco, came back and had mono. there was no more swimming and relaxing for me after that.

     speaking of jon. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. yeah i miss him. I found the picture of him that i used to love so much, in my room in montrose yesterday. I just..i look at him and don't feel that attraction anymore. I miss the familiarity though. I felt so lonely when i got home last night. I just look in the mirror and i'm thinner than when i went to israel. i mean it varies everyday, but i can see my shoulder bones a lot more now, and my arms are more defined when i lean forward. my hair is long and layered and real straight. but my eyes...they're just. sad. maybe i confuse being sad with feeling older. i just feel so much more grownup. and i..i can't understand why i feel like its a bad thing. i always wanted this..right?  maybe not.

   Anyway, i did feel lonely (i haven't even seen steve in a week..we hardly talk..just online..which is good when you're first hooking up, but i hate relying on it once you have a real relationship.), so after i got showered and watched "change of heart",i just sat looking at my face while sitting in a towel..looking at my shoulders (my favorite body part) and well..i started getting really cold. I went and got into the pajamas jon gave me-his pajama pants and his navy blue overhood sweatshirt. My bed was all nice and clean cause the cleaning lady(grandma ann) came today. I curled up in the middle of the bed all warm and cozy in his sweatshirt..and i fell asleep..i woke up this morning curled up in a ball, on top of my comforter...i was late getting up.

   i'm debating. and this is really hard. but i want the zoloft back. i hate this struggle. i really do. i was never depressed, i was giving zoloft mainly for relaxing the muscles in my stomach. but it helped. it helped me be happy. it really did cause when i think about it. i was so driven and happy and content and had no care in the world from december till the end of february (when i stopped taking it)..so i was only on it 3 months..i remember my mom telling me she had friends on it cause they used it for pain management and although the pain is mostly gone, they can't get off that medication. and i did. and i think i'm being too dependant  on medication. but if you lived with the amount of pain i live with, well you'd understand why i'm so dependant on them. i can't even eat chocolate or bananas or tomato sauce cause the acid in them irritates the stomach lining (ulcers). it hurts. and having a really unstable relationship is just so..iono...i don't even want to talk about that. cause i really can't honestly say how it is, cause we haven't seen each other since last friday. so..yeah..i know he reads this and must be thinking "man, my girlfriend is so messed up". no..i'm not. i'm just a girl.

   anyway, i got an email from jon today. its been about a week since we've emailed. it was basic "hi. how's life, how's school, senior year?" that was basically it.i have yet to write back. and i will.i really would like to know how he's doing.

   i think i'm his first love.i can't blame him for wanting to keep in contact.

   but i was talking to jen last night and she was talking a friend who we won't name names..and that person was talking about how they couldn't help but compare everyone to their first love and how no one measures up so far. and jen was like "ya know ker, not many highschool relationships pan out. consider that. like everyone at this age is going "oh my soulmate..he's my first love..my one true love" and everyone has that idea. But how many of them really work. ker, first loves, you have jason, i have isaac, steve has ariana, jenell has reilly..and nobody has these people..they just think they "will have" them. and maybe they really aren't soulmates. they are JUST first loves. and its hard to get over. but really, not many people will really have their "first love" turn out to be their "true love". its just the age that we're at, when people are dreaming about soulmates..so they compare" and you know what. its true.

   jason is just my first love. he might not even be my soulmate-if he is, we will find our way back to each other.

   isaac may not be the one jen marries, and maybe thats a good thing she thinks, cause by that age, things are gonna be so different. we're all gonna go to new worlds  and meet so many new people that you can't rely on the loves back in the young days of highschool. you really can't. if you really think about it, the highschool sweethearts that do get married, are the ones that stay back to go to local college, or they go to the same college..it hardly really pans out the way we think its going to at this age.

   so yeah. that's my thought for the day..well basically its jen's thought, but i really agree with her and i have never took that perspective on that issue.

   i guess we're just all dreaming at this age....

here's a little picture i was fooling around with..cause i was bored..and i love graphic designing.

lata..i'm out.

<<  main  >>