11:59 p.m.

         Well, i decided that i finally had time to write a real journal entry. It's kinda nice to be able to sit here and not be bothered for once. My roommate is gone for the weekend so i have the room all to myself..Either people are out right now, gone for the weekend, or just chilling in their rooms. It is parent's weekend so the college is bussling with many excited parents and kids...well at least the parents are excited...

   I'm so upset that i'm not home this weekend. I need to be. It's something that i needed. I like the people here. I do. But as i was telling jen last night, nobody here knows my past..its too much of a hassle to tell them..to explain each boyfriend and what happened and whats going on with my parents and all that bullshit, it just too tiring..mentally..and who really wants to sit and hear it..we don't have time here for that..I just want to be able to cry and be like "this person screwed me over" and jen will totally understand.

    My hopes are so high right now for her to transfer to Penn State..I'm so jealous of all the girls who are here with their best friends..and there are a lot of them. I can't do this without her. I've been crying the last 2 days..granted these are like the only times that i have cried at college..i can't honestly say that i haven't been having the best time. But things are just getting to me now.

   I was changing too quick. Way too quick. When i think about it, i've had 4 real boyfriends in my life...i've had other "flings" that i considered like a "boyfriend" at the time.but seriously wise..just 4. I've only hooked up with 6 guys in my life. Now when i think about it, i've been at college for just a month, and i've already hooked up with 3 guys. that's half of what i've done my whole life. That's just too quick. It's too easy here. I'm too easy..I have values..but the thing that is troubling me is that i don't know how to say no...i never had to..guys were alwasy respectful..and here i am getting myself into situations where i just end up going too far afraid to say no..and then the next morning i leave knowing that i feel like shit..and never getting a call...

    these college guys suck. *sigh*..i know i know..not all of them..if i was finding the right ones. But i am a relationship type of girl..and i keep hooking up with star athletes..its exciting at the time, but in reality they think of me only as a piece of meat..and really the only thing i get out of it is getting to say "yep..hooked up with the pitcher of the baseball team...hooked up with our star sprinter for track, #8 runner in the nation"...yeah..but i'm sure i'm definitely not the only one to be able to say that..in reality..its not fun stuff.

   So i'm feeling like shit..at least I thought the runner guy would call..I really thought he would. I know i accidentally left his number in his room and i heard that he was upset that i did..so i don't know..i emailed him but who's to say he got it cause he lives in a house and i don't even know if they have internet hookup yet..things just suck

   anyway, so i've had the worst cold for the past week...i didn't get to workout..i sound horrible..i've been dosing up on Nyquil just to be able to fall asleep..i've missed a ton of classes..

   I decided to take the night in..i just needed it..i slept until noon today..went and took my hebrew test and since i couldn't stop coughing i couldn't go to biology class..plus i wanted to see my roommate before she left..i'll just have to get the notes from someone in the class..yeah i suck at being a student...my heart just really isn't in it...

   Well last night it just all got to me and i just broke down crying..i called jen and of course i stopped crying afterwards..but still today..i cried again..i put on my boyz 2 men music type stuff and layed down on my bed and cried..i just pretended that she was in the room telling me everything was going to be okay..that my mistakes are just mistakes and i'll get through..and i fell asleep...god, i've been through so much with that girl..

  i'm sorry..i can't stop talking about her..she's all i've been talking about all day..but we talked about it last night and she told me she worried that i'd drift away, cause i have been known to do that with every single one of my friends..but ya know..i've never had a friendship with anyone like i have with jen..i honestly see us being the best of friends forever..and i know my brother would say i'm naive for saying things like that and it just sounds stupid to say, cause i really can't say i know for sure. but fuck that. i can. cause i DO know for sure...

I need to pee.

  I'm wondering if i'm being coherent right now..maybe i just sound stupid cause of all the cold medicine i'm taking...

  god, i need to study...i really do..i don't want to though.

  i'm going to make myself be productive today..at least somewhat.

  my tongue ring..                                                                          just a little bit aloof...