22 March, 2000-Wednesday

2:45 p.m.

   AWWW YEAH!!!!!! i'm seeing BUSH at Oswego..in a gym! that's fucking incredible. seriously. i saw them April 16th, 1997 up in Buffalo in the Marine Midland Arena and it was a long drive and too many people. It's been 3 years almost. Our seats were so far away that the boys in the band were the size of my thumb through binoculars and a speck on the stage with regular sight. So yeah. This gym holds up to maximum 3,500 people and its not even sold out yet! I hope it doesn't..but this gives chance to be up front and close with my boys. Yeah i'm not so into them anymore. Not even my favorites. But there is just something about them and they "brought me up" during those difficult teenage years (ie: 14,15)..well not as if these years aren't difficult either...

   So yeah, Tina is going with me. ROAD TRIP! woo! Oswego i'm estimating is about 2 hours from here and we'll just get directions off the web. Maybe i'll email Sadie and tell her we're coming up and maybe we can stay with her overnight or something. that would be awesome. I'm pretty sure sadie wouldn't miss BUSH. She saw them with Beth. hmm..i wonder if beth is going..although we started keeping in touch again..i haven't heard from her in a couple weeks. Anyhoo..i had to get the tickets right away, so i called up tina and she was like freaking out almost crying she was so happy. I've always wanted to see BUSH with tina because the first time i saw them, I didn't invite tina to go (even though tina was such a fanatic also)..well because i liked chris and she got chris and i thought she was snotty so that was my way of payback. she was mad at me for it. now we are friends so i couldn't wait to tell her the news! she went to see HOLE with me last year. that was a small 3,000 concert..if even that much..

   I knew steve wouldn't want to go..he has some competition that day..but when i ordered the tickets-after it processed..i got a thing saying "Bush-with opening act Moby" and i was like woops! i think steve really likes moby...but he's busy that day anyhow.

   So today has been a pretty great day so far. I feel good, i looked nice today, its SO beautiful outside and once guiding light is over (kristin NEEDs to watch her GL) i'm gonna give her a call and tell her to join me at the driving range. SO much fun.

   Well i don't want to waste my day away at the computer...

8:23 p.m.

   The only thing i don't like about this arrangement-i feel scared to IM him or call him or anything him really.Its like i have this fear of pissing him off or annoying him or something-as if intruding on his life. And i don't like this feeling of helplessness..cause that's what it is. I have NO control over anything. It's like this whole relationship is in his hands. what he wants, and i have to deal with whatever amount that is going to be.

   Dave just called. He's so awesome. I wanted him to call me so that i could tell him about my party in montrose on friday.  So we talked and stuff and i always have so much fun with him on the phone. mental note: change the stuff about dave in the "about me" section. He thinks i make it seem like i only know him cause of Tim. and eww. that's so not how it is. dave: i don't give a rat's ass about tim anymore-you are a best friend, don't ever doubt that.

   So after school..came home..watched GL and read cosmopolitan.

   And then i went outside and played around with my tennis ball connected to a rubber band type thingy. it got frustrating cause it kept getting caught in the tree..then kristin showed up and we made our way over to the driving range. Take into mind, i haven't played golf or swung a club since i went to the driving range in montrose with jon (where i also kicked his ass..he was cute though cause he just sucked and he was trying to do the happy gilmore thing but he would totally wiff). But i got out there and my first few shots-awww yeah-straight with a little slice. about 160 yards..real nice. Yeah, i know. i should pursue this. I went there with kristin and i saw Todd Jones (the pro-who is friends with my father and brother and used to give me lessons-i just never felt comfortable screwing up in front of him..maybe its cause he's so gorgeous) But he just kinda watched me. and I know. I hear it constantly "kerri, you are a natural and you can get a scholarship if you just played and got some scores". but ya know. i don't have the desire to have to play it every day in college. I like having fun with it. like how i had fun with kristin. trying to show her what she was doing wrong and such..she could be good if she played..considering she's never played. But its not a passion and it has to be a passion. I mean i'm thinking i can get a job there. I have "royalties" to not have to pay for my range balls..so if i have that, i don't need the job..hehe.

   So i came back and played with my tennis thing until it got dark. and waited for my mom to get home with dinner. okay hi. yeah. i HATE fish. right? so why would you buy vegetarian sushi rolls..the whole point is for vegetarians to get the taste of fish without actually eating it. I don't not eat fish cause of vegetarian reasons , i don't eat it cause its just gross. so why would you buy the fake stuff for the same taste? duh. so yeah i ate oriental dumplings instead. and no i just feel all gross cause they make me feel naseous.

   shit. i was supposed to call rabbi burg about what to do about the summer. *sigh*..Eurojolt sounds good, but you have to have gone on one of the more religious programs and mine was far from being religiously strict. Anyway Sarra called me again tonight to ask me to come down to NYC to spend a sabbath with her and a couple of the NYC TJJ girls..which would include jenny and tiff..and larissa and joanna. Granted, i was a snot on this tour and i never got to know them. I was too wrapped up in my boyfriend and the wild girls. i'll admit my head was huge..

   and tiffy..awww..she writes to me today to tell me that i am an inspiration to her and have been since the summer. I don't know why. people treated me different on that trip. like i was something special. a lot of the guys hit on me, i had a boyfriend from the start and guy who was infatuated with me from day one. everyone knew who i was, yet i didn't know who half of them were..it was nice...it was popularity at its peak. in israel. and you just can't imagine how great that felt. I had it all and i wish i could rewind.

   And the more i think about what just went on with me and steve, the more i really want to just call jon up and tell him i'm sorry. I really do. I have such a big heart. I hate hurting people. I hate to see people suffer. When i watched animal planet emergency vets last night and saw a really sick kitten, i cried. it was shaking and in pain, and i couldn't deal with that. I hate intentionally hurting, and jon was so good to me, and i did that to him for a sense of power in a way. I have no idea why. I mean even in the summer when jon made me go tell todd that i was already going out with jon even though i hadn't given todd his answer in being together..i walked down the street and told him i just wanted to be friends..he just kept on walking..and i walked away cause there was nothing more to say. I cried. I cried cause i hurt him and later on he kept telling me how he already knew i was with jon when i turned him down and how he went to bed early before curfew that night cause he was hurt. And tiff said she read it all in his journal.

   I guess i just miss that adoration. I miss being stable in a relationship. Jen's aunt told her a qoute that was so right. "always be with someone who loves you more than you love them"..and in my case with steve..i'm the one who cares more..i know it..and..its not as fun, cause you're always wanting so much in return..and you just can't get it. And its just a big change from the last relationship with jon. the caring was quite mutual, but i always kept a distance in a way and he adored me more than i him. but i still will hold up to my part that yes i did love him. Cause i know he always questioned that and always did.

   So my message to jon: I am so sorry.

   He let me keep all his clothes from the summer...yeah..i still wear them when i feel lonely. I know he thinks that since i still wear his bracelet that means i still want him. no. i've moved on..obviously. and supposedly so has he.

   So i found out that Steve has been reading my journal since the beginning. I'm pretty sure that it had a lot to do in his decision to stay with me. He said that it made him realize how much i cared for him and how much he cared for me. I guess i feel weird that he couldn't tell that on his own (the way he feels about me) without my writing..but if it helps. He also told me to expect him to question his feelings from time to time and to reassure him. And i always will cause i always try my best to let him know i care. But you know..i'm not here to baby him..i need a connection too. I need to feel appreciated and cared for and stuff. sometimes i want to be the baby and get the pampering. So as long as i have to remind him that i appreciate and care..i sure hope he does the same in return. it needs to be a give/give situation. its fun to always give of yourself, but sometimes, you have the need to be given to, and i can't make excuses for needing that, nor can i ignore the fact.

   I was suprised he had read it..but at  the same time not. I have no clue how he got the URL. I don't care either. as long as he feels this helps him, well then good. i mean now he gets to know how i really feel. I just wish there was a way for me to see into him and see..i still feel like theres this shell around him that he's put up and i can't break down. granted, i'm not trying to break it down, i'm trying to get him to ease into cracking it..I just need to see somewhat into him. its frustrating. And i'm too analytical today cause i've been reading into relationships from Cosmopolitan. Yeah its trashy but its too damn good. And you guys best be pleased we read it cause at 18, there's not much we really know or have experienced in the sexual/relationship department.

   anyway, i can't wait to see dave this weekend. i hope he comes. he's a nut but i haven't seen him in ages and he always has the ability to make me feel special.i hope he brings moosecock..he's awesome too.

big party at my house in 2 days..woo! it'll be the first time i see steve since we've realized everything..or somewhat everything..so yeah. its exactly midnight.

   more tomorrow when i start functioning again...

"THE NIGHT TURNS AS I TRY TO EXPLAIN
IRRESISTABLE ATTRACTION AND ORBITAL PLANE
"OR MAYBE IT'S MORE LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME?"
SHE BRUSHES MY FACE WITH HER SMILE
"FORGET ABOUT STARS FOR A WHILE... "
AS SHE MELTS..."

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