21 March, 2000-Tuesday

1:45 p.m.

I should be in school right now. I was just so tired when i woke up and i didnt feel up to going to my internship. I felt like going back to sleep but i knew that my mom was not gonna allow that. So i called jen at 8:30 and told her to expect me there. I was originally planning on just going to sleep while she and her mom went to drop her car off to be fixed..but i decided since nick was gonna pick jen up from the shop, that it would just be easier if i went with her. 

So he came and picked us up and we all went back to his house. His kitchen is a girls dream! So much chocolate and junk food..mmmmm..considering i dont eat real food and only junk..i was too happy. So yeah, we ate and laughed about stuff nick had saved on the computer..then we all crashed in his living room. I got the huge comfy leather chair, took a blanket and snuggled up and watched jerry springer and jenny jones. Those shows are SO much better when people are laughing with you. pure smut.

Nick had to go back to school cause he had to sign in to be able to go to tennis practice today. Since the point of the day was to not think about being screwed over by other people..we hardly talked about it. I barely mentioned steve's name.

That doesn't mean i didn't think about him though.

I was reading a conversation nick had had with kristy and how they are all coming up to my house friday after the punk show..and he had said "well i'm not sure if its still going on at kerris cause her and steve are screwed up right now"

yes. yes we are.

but you know what-that's fucking no excuse that i'm not having people over..so yeah i'll be a little lonely and not at my cheeriest. But i know a lot of people are looking forward to this (cuddle opportunities! woo!) It would be such a let down to people who were excited for it.

awww..peebles in crawling across my lap..i love this kitty.

and 98 degrees is on.."the hardest thing" You know i never understood this song. I didn't understand why the guy had to let her go if he cared about her..i really get it now.

"It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever had to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you "

anyway. i'm not sure if i'm gonna go to the show on friday or not. i may show up, depends on how strong i can be. This is a weekend i really wish that jason would come down from buffalo because he can meet all my friends and stay over and he'd get to meet my "boyfriend" but because we're having problems, i'd get to give most my attention to jason and it would help having him there..but he won't come. Theres a convention this weekend. and Ariel is not allowed to go. So his reason? 

"well its the 2nd to last convention for me and my friends would be quite angry with me if i don't go, so i'll have a chance to be with them..and plus-the last convention i'll be spending most of my time with ariel"

yeah thanks jason. but i'm your best friend. well..supposedly...

i give up. It felt like 2 weeks ago i didn't want to leave and go away for the summer cause i felt like i had it all here.

now i'm feeling the complete opposite. like in the last week..things are just falling to pieces. i'm now kinda looking forward to leaving..

when i was crying last night (i know it seems like i cry so much. i used to hardly cry, but ever since i've been off zoloft for a couple weeks. i went straight off, no slowly stoppig dosage) i've beeen tons more emotional..emily(from TJJ) was telling me she's been the same way..

so i was just sitting in front of my mirror just watching myself cry. Its funny how pretty i think i am when i'm crying. Cause i'm normally so pale from not having any nutrients..and my eyes always look tired and drained. but the tears made my eyes really really blue, and my face was really rosy. and my hair looked so nice too..

i wonder what it would be like to be a cat. No worries and struggles. Just complete comfort sitting on the lap of someone who loves you. I really love this cat. Never having to tell that person you love them cause you just automatically know they love you..what a feeling...

so i got to bed around 1 last night. I got sucked into "change of heart"...i guess if people can make it through that..well then..there's hope..

So yeah i cut school today. it's fucking senior year so cut me some slack. i just needed to relax and not sit at a desk just thinking. okay well that's what i'm doing right now, but this way i get the chance to write about it and let it out.

gosh, why can't i seem happier. i seem SO depressed. trust me im not. i think i just feel more stupid than depressed.
..until i hear songs like.."amazed" by lonestar...my prom song. oh god. prom. so far its
Nick M. and Jen Smith
Jason and Emily

i'm hoping we can add me and Steve to that..it would be awesome. but ehh..so yeah.

school just got out. i missed floor hockey:( i bet jen's upstairs wondering what the hell i'm doing..so i should go back up.

8:48 p.m.

   *big sigh of relief*

   He called. And it was good. And i can't explain how relieved i am and how happy i am that he chose to stay with me. Why:

   "I don't want to be without you. I need you" or it was something along those lines..can't remember the exact words it was like "yay" when i heard it.

   It was hell these past couple days and i don't know how i dealt with it. The not knowing what he was thinking. When i sit and think about  this whole situation, I realize that its a situation of what goes around comes around. I pulled this on Jon back in September. I told him i wanted to "stay together" but kinda not at the same time for a week until i decided what i truly wanted(even though i was probably gonna just say lets be together again). I was falling back for yonder, who i couldn't have, but that didn't stop me. And then i went back to jon (even though we broke up later-i broke it off for good, due to jon's sarcastic attitude for being angry about questioning "us" and hanging out with yonder). But still. Now that i know what it feels like-If you ever read this jon. I am truly sorry i put you through that.  I now know how hard it is..maybe its something we all have to deal with and learn a lesson from at one point in our lives.

   He said that he was going to suprise me and stop by and tell me. And its funny cause i pictured that earlier in my head and what it would be like..but i'm glad he didn't. REALLY glad. i look like hell. seriously. my hair is greasy, my face pale, my eyes are sore/puffy, i'm wearing my workout clothes, and my makeup is all smeared..He said he smelled like chlorine so he didn't want to come over cause he had gym class swimming. Actually i wouldn't have minded it..i like the smell of chlorine..and him...but oh well...it worked out well and i'm very content.

   And he's staying over friday in montrose. wow-i'm such a girl. i'm giddy...

     To go back a couple hours ago, i was talking to Jason Sherman and he asked me what happened with steve. It was too  much to repeat and explain so i just gave him the URL to my webpage. I made sure to tell him not to analyze things i said about him. I knew i said how i felt about him and i knew that i was sometimes rude towards him in here. One of his responses: "wow. I didn't know that i was your FIRST love..i kinda had an idea but i never wanted to ask" and so i was like yeah. I wasn't in love with him when dating him (not long enough), but i did fall into it throughout our years of friendship. and he explained why he has to go to this convention this weekend. Its all okay. I never gave him the URL in expectation of him having to explain himself. I never expect for him to tell me of any mutual feelings. I don't expect anything. I just kinda felt awkward about him knowing deep into how i felt. eek. i really am stupid...

        But anyways-i hope that this makes thing really good between us. I keep thinking of the makeup sex scene from American History X..and i giggle..and it was so funny. But that wasn't what i was planning. The make up sex. For some reason now i feel like me and him should take things a little more into consideration. I'm not sure i want to have sex on the spur of the moment many of the times i see him anymore. I just, i know its gonna be different but, i just can't really say how that's gonna be.

   I just want to fly out the door, speed in my car, get to his house, give him a HUGE hug. and then go home. but...i'm exhausted. It's only tuesday and i won't see him until friday. but that's okay. I can wait., but at the same time i can't...

   Dex called me earlier. I told him i'd call him back. I know what he wants. I know he's interested. I shouldn't call him back and lead him on..so maybe tomorrow i'll just say it and tell him i have a boyfriend. I really think this is going to be for a lot longer with steve. Not like i was ever really interested in more with Dex. He's a cutie and i know what he thinks of me cause of what Tex told me ("everytime Dex sees you hosting on SportsWeek in the mornings he says 'Damn that girl is so fine' " ) *giggle* but yeah. just friendship over here.

   Laura called and i want to call her back.

   I can't figure out how to get a guestbook. Okay i can figure that out. but the HTML didn't work in getting it up. it showed the HTML..*shaking head* iono..anybody have any advice, please email me..if anybody actually reads this..hehe..email me and give me feedback. otherwise..i have a feeling i'm gonna have to figure this out on my own.

   I painted my toenails today-dark pink with sparkles-to look good in my knew Sketcher sandals. If i had $100, i'd buy a digital camera and show you. But i only have quarters to my name. Damn gas prices.

   I also want to get tickets to see BU$H in Oswego on april 1st. Why do i just now know about this? oh yeah. cause MTV is still blocked from the days of Yonder (long story short: too much time on phone with yonder, parents took away mtv. yeah-i don't get it either). I found this out at Jen's house. Oswego is what, like 1-2 hours away?!? damn. i'm gonna be upset if i can't go-which i am positive is the outcome. *humph*

anyway-i need to do health homework.and study.and get *some* sleep.

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