20 March, 2000-Monday

12:19 p.m.

    Okay i know i only have like a little bit of time before i have to go back to school..and sadly enough i could sit here all day if i was able..

    But i just got home from my program and i needed to write. And my stomach really really hurts. reminds me of the ani lyric:

    but seriously..its making me so worked up and in pain...most boyfriends never did this to me..i have no appetite and i'm just mopey. I know i should be like at least its not totally over...but i just got in the car going home from my grandma's and put on Dee Cartensen..I never even realized how much this song "Wish i were you" related to this situation SO well..once i realized i put in on repeat and cried the whole way home...I pulled into my driveway and just listened and cried..my head down staring at my lap..then i whimpered out loud "i'm such a whore"..i don't know where that came from. Its not true..i just..it just came out and it made me cry harder...

    I'm not nearly as close close to Steve as i have been with past boyfriends..but so far we've been together a little over 2 months almost now..and however sad that it is..its my longest relationship...okay not really. jon was over 3 months-but i never saw him after we had been together 1 1/2 months. Not like i'm a bad girlfriend..i'm sure my relationships with my summer boys would have lasted long times..but distance..well..it just sucks. so yeah. but here are the lyrics to dee's song that has been making me cry ALL day..i can't find the lyrics anywhere..so i'm listening to it and trying to figure it out. inaccuracies are all mine.

so yeah..i guess that is the perfect song for that. it makes me hurt SO much..I definitely don't wish that i was her. I like who i am. I just wish that he can realize that i'm not trying to replace her. He doesn't need to replace her, but for right now he needs to come to terms with that whole idea..and in the mean time i get to sit and wait..he's worth the wait..i just...hurt. right now.

Maybe its cause i saw his father. I tried to say hi but his dad was on the phone when i was about to and he was looking down. Its just awkward. *sigh* I'm so drained..

At new visions, Mrs. Jones told us about how Broome County's theme for the millenium is "doors"..as in "a new door to the millenium"..yeah..woopee. but we brainstormed what came to mind with the word door.

Then we wrote an essay. I really just flew in writing mine. i spit the whole thing out on how i was feeling. We were supposed to write on how we see the door when we're standing outside it. Then write as if we were inside and tell what we see. Well some people wrote about heaven's door, hell's door, principal's door. I didn't use a particular door. I used "this door"..it was a locked door and it had so much i didn't know what to expect of behind it. And even though i knew i was 18, i knew i was still learning and that i didn't think i was ready to open the door, even though i held the "key". i really liked it. But mrs. jone's kept it so i'll have to put it up when i get a chance..its probably more of one of my profound writings. I'm proud of it. I was so out of it during class..just kept to myself a lot and read the newspaper..giggled a little bit cause chris can make me laugh. But otherwise. i just wanted to not be there. well at least i have my intership for the next 3 days.

i look like a mess..black mascara dried in streams down my face..i gotta go make myself somewhat presentable to go back to school...

11:41 p.m.

   I totally forgot that today was Purim. It's a jewish holiday. And even though i didn't feel up to it, i dressed up and dragged my family to synagogue. That was tough. My dad was just not going along with it at first. I think when i told him that he treated Judaism so stupidly, he should just be a pagan cause he had no beliefs, he flipped and gave in. Nothing against pagans (such a cool belief)..i just knew that line would get to my dad. Yeah-i know his every pin point.

   So we went and i tried to not think about Steve during the service. Just not happening. I know God has a reason for all of this. I tried to show him i do give a shit about my religion, although i date non-jewish.

Last night Sarra Zacks was telling me how much she loves me and cares about me and how i'm in her prayers every single day cause she hopes that i don't take wrong turn and then i realize how important it is to marry a jewish guy and stuff. I guess her and Rabbi Burg were talking about it and how they worry that i won't. And i told them, that once i got out of this environment-they had nothing to worry about. Absolutely nothing. For right now, i don't plan on marrying any of my non-jewish boyfriends. When i picture the guy i marry-I picture him all dressed up standing next to me in synagogue with beautiful little children all dressed up. *sigh* I SO want to be a mom...

   Anyhow I got home and Stan called me. I guess he said he could tell i was so distressed during health class. He wanted to help me out. Jen told me that stan really doesn't know what he's talking about..but he told me that what it sounded like with steve, was that it  was over. At that point, i was glad he needed to get off the phone cause i didn't want to dwell on that thought.

   I came online and talked to Jason Casey..He wasn't very encouraging either. What's wrong with you guys. Is there some secret code???

   Then steve came online. No IM from him. Not even a phone call tonight. I couldn't take it, so i told Jason i was really really sorry for being a "stupid girl" and that i tried my hardest not to be..he told me that i wasn't stupid. I rebuked and told him, that yes, I was.

   Gosh, i feel so pathetic...my journals are not normally about a guy. I do talk about life and everything. Except for right now, i started writing at a time of real breakage..so deal for right now..

   I called jen crying..I'm just so tired..I've worked so hard and stayed up so late trying to get this page up quickly..She really had no answers for me. She asked me how many hours of sleep i had gotten last night. my answer: 4 1/2... so she went off "kerri kaufman. you get your ass in bed. This is why you can't handle this and are breaking down. you have no sleep, you're keeping stupid hours, you have stomach problems, you're dealings with this. Don't think i don't think that you can handle this, cause i know you are strong. but go to sleep!"

So i went and got showered. I took a burning hot one cause i was shaking and cold.

why is this so hard for me? I loved jon so much and it was like nothing to let go..it was hard, but nothing like this..maybe our arguments made me despise him when i was trying to get over him..so it was much easier.

i think why this is killing me more, is that its all in question. Nothing is so definite yet.

When i got out of the shower, my mom told me that ricky from detroit(if i was to hook up with anyone at YK , it was gonna be him..i wasn't ready to be with someone at the time.and there was a whole messup over a letter i wrote about that, so it never happened) but yeah. he called. and just the thought that he called made me so happy. Granted, he was supposed to call back, but he didn't..probably cause it was SO late anyhow.

Jen wants me to skip new visions and go with her and nick shirk cause all 3 of us are at our wits end and at the point of breaking..and as she put it "no senior bullshit is gonna keep me from doing what i want". I'm not sure if i'm going to skip. I just..I want to play floor hockey. how sad is that..but yeah. So i want to go back to school to play that and i know that makes me a big loser..but oh well..

sleep is calling my name..so is tummy medicine...

<< main  >>