20 April, 2000-Thursday

    Box 'o' fun

listening to: the TV behind me

eating: nothing-i'm stuffed!

talking to: Jen, Brian James

missing: my brother, Jason,  Jen

reading:magazines

thinking: "there's nothing i can say to help Jen out, and i feel like so helpless and all i want to do is bring her up-cause i'm the only one left to make a difference..if possible."

trying: to be interesting, but i'm not.

feeling: frustrated and sad..

wanting: to be sleeping

wearing:black pants and a green sweater.

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    actually its really the 21st..but i don't really care. I'm writing like its still thursday.

    I haven't written in a couple of days because i have been pretty busy. Right now i'm blanking out on what i did tuesday. Oh wait-worked on that paper..and talked a lot on the phone and just hung out since i've been stressed out a lot lately. My father thinks that i should start seeing a psychiatrist to see why i'm so stressed out. Monday night i had decided i was going to start back on the zoloft..and i forgot to write about the fact that there was an article in one of the magazines about how quitting an anti-depressant cold turkey could make you sicker. It said that common effects of just stopping were crying spells, irritability, sadness, and weight gain. hello-that would be me. I was crying at like everything and really really irritable with my family, even with steve. So i figured it would have been easier to just go back on it, and i took 50 mg on monday night(i originally, when prescribed, took 25 mg to start). I was being stupid cause its not safe to mess around with drugs..tuesday i woke up still sick with my heart beating really quickly and i was all fluttery and agitated. I was just giving up and trying ANYTHING to try to help me, but zoloft is really not the answer..it took a whole day for me to calm down...and it was scary. So i'm not messing around with it anymore.

   Wednesday, i just went to New Visions and continued on what they were working on..Our group has a website, and we each have individual websites..and it was just pointless. I already have this, and what could i possibly create in like 1 day? We also had no graphic programs to work with and we were using netscape composer, which is not really the best program.  But i did what i could and it looked like your typical teeny bopper first time webpage. Hopefully none of you will ever see it.

   Then i came home, and Steve came over for a little bit. I was so glad that he made the trip to come over, even if he could only see me for about an hour. I feel a lot closer to him and our relationship just seems much closer after we fought..but i guess that's what happens when you fight and realize you don't want to end it, it just makes you more appreciative. I mean lately, the last week or so, he's been acting a bit different..like really outgoing and into me and happy and open with me. the thought is comforting.

   Stan took me aside in health class the other day to tell me that he talked to Rick Root. I guess Stan had recommended me to Rick and as nice as stan thought he was being, I do have a boyfriend that i wouldn't give up..and he kept saying "so rick's really excited, are you gonna break up with your boyfriend"..and its flattering..it really is. but the answer was so simple: no. i'm sticking with steve. it's not even a question.

   So my cousins came in from san francisco this week and we had passover seder with them and my aunt and uncle and both my grandmother's last night. It was really nice. I had never celebrated this holidy with them and i really enjoyed it. There's not really much i can say on it. I became so tired right afterwards that i fell asleep on the floor..so they woke me up and me and my brother drove home. And we talked, and it was nice, because we never talk that personally to each other and i know what we were talking about weirded him out because although i'm 18..i'm still his little sister, and he will always see me as 10 years old. He wants me to delete some stuff from the "me" page..and he's valid in his reasons. So i will.

   Gosh..this entry sucks. I really don't have much to say.

   I slept most of the day away today. I finished my paper last night and then woke up early to run it to the press to hand it in by 11 and then came home and went down to montrose. We had the second seder at the Rosenbergs. Matt has already gone back to school cause of the golf team, and it was just my parents and my grandmother and i. Stacey had her boyfriend there..and Eric had his girlfriend there. It made me wish that steve would have come and seen what its like..i mean stacey's boyfriend wasn't even jewish. But i don't think i really ever talked to steve about him being at a seder and i know how uncomfortable it might have been for him..so everything worked out as planned anyhow.

i feel really boring today. really boring.

I had no revelations on anything, i didn't think deeply about anything (i pretty much slept)..i just was of nothing substantial to this world today.

just bear with me for now.