1 May, 2000-Monday

    Box 'o' fun

listening to:"make it home" by Juliana Hatfield

eating: nothing. no appetite..good thing to come out of this..i won't eat..i know it.

talking to:  no one..everyone sane is in bed

missing: Jason, Jon, pathetically enough-Steve

reading:  the poem steve wrote

thinking: "why the hell can't i make relationships work?"

trying: to hold back tears.to be strong, cause i can be..someday

feeling: hurt, sad, lost, lonely, tired

wanting: for everything to be patched up and for this to have never happened.

wearing: clothes.

Ktheory

sorry. i know i just linked him a few days ago, but check out what he wrote about me on his page. totally made me laugh for the first time today!:)

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1:27 a.m.

    I wrote earlier today,..its actually may 2..but i really don't give a fuck right now.

   I've finally stopped crying...well mostly..here and there the tears come but i was crying so hard after i got off the phone with him that when i called jen, i couldn't even tell her what happened until i calmed down..

   We broke up.

   God, those words are so familiar to me..but at the same time i feel so sick looking at them..the whole time i was on the phone with him, i kept swallowing what i felt was going to be throwup..i haven't thrown up yet..yet.

   I had written earlier today, but then i went out to dinner and came back and my computer had shut down..i don't know why..maybe its a good thing..he's right, i did act like princess..like i could do no wrong..but right now..i didn't do anything wrong.

   It's clearly a them...and a me.

   Maybe i was wrong in IMing him..maybe we needed more time..(it's not even a "we" anymore)..but i did..and he was sorry and he wrote me a poem and it truly showed how he felt and i just sat there and put him down more..until he started fighting back..and then i couldn't take it..so i got off..and jason sherman called me...jason is like my "arianna"..except its been two years since we dated and we both have moved on..and yeah, i regress every once in a while...but i know that i have to accept it...but hearing his voice was like hearing heaven..seriously, he has never not been there for me and i just, being as vulnerable as i am right now, understood why Steve saw what he had with Ariana..and maybe i'm jealous cause they have what i wanted..but he always says "nobody will know the bond me and arianna have"..and i'm thinking "okay let him go with that..but that's crap because me and jason have a bond and its not the same relationship bond anymore, but its definitely friendship..true friendship"..I mean, i'm so lucky to have ja in my life..look at it, he was my first love and years later he's sitting on the phone with me listening to me cry about a new boyfriend and giving the best advice he can...thanks ja.

   but still..i sometimes feel like screaming at steve and saying "move on!", cause you end up missing so much, it only helps you grow, you can't live in familiarity, cause it doesn't last, and you'll lose out on something better/different...but that's really up to him.

  i just..can't fathom this whole situation. After getting off the phone with jason, who cares so much, i honestly understood why steve would test the waters with arianna while he still had the chance...its just..something i understand. well that much i do. But he did a complete 180 over the phone..he got to the point where he said he felt so low that i deserve better and we pretty much..whatever..didn't know what to say to each other really..he initiated the ending cause he feels he needs to be alone..which is one of my biggest fears..i am sitting here pining for him and he's free to do whatever he wants and not feel guilty the next time he sees arianna.

   jen, was so great about this whole thing. she listened to me. she was calm. i sure as hell wasn't..she was like "ker, this isn't over.." she gave reasons but i'm so flustered i can't remember why she thought that..I just feel like i have given so much..i at first cried to jen about feeling used..but i don't..i really don't..i was just a part of everything as he was..he never forced me to have sex with him..i was very willing (and eager)...i guess i gave it(the whole relationship..not sex) my best shot..

  The thing that hurts me so much, besides not having him around..or "mine" anymore..prom. Prom is such a big deal to girls..i'm not your typical girl but i'm still that little girl who dreams of her prom night with her boyfriend..and i really didn't expect to go to the prom with a boyfriend cause i just doubted i'd have one for some reason..but i looked forward to it so much..pictures with him, dancing with him, holding him, kissing him, just sharing that night with him..like literally having a night to remember...i really can't imagine not taking him...I told jen that i'm not going. I  know right now i'm being irrational, but that is how i feel...right now. i can get a date in the snap of my fingers..its just not the same.

  God, this fucking sucks! I can't go to sleep, i can't sleep, i need to write..its dark and quiet and my parents are in bed and i'm sitting down here being a pathetic loser...and i'm confused..steve's confused..

  There was just something about him that was so different that always kept me intrigued..i'm gonna miss that. i really am. And i'm different than most girls and i gave him my all and i even liked hanging with his friends and doing whatever...i know he realizes what he has..but, i hope he realized what he lost.

  Most people i talked to told me to forgive him for that kiss. Cause he was pissed that he did it and upset and knew he was wrong. But, he's the one that can't deal with me looking at him and not being able to trust him..and i'm not judgemental..i'm really not, all my guards are always down when i look at him..but..he later realized and said "you're right you're not like that..shit i really blew it"..and he really confuses me..he really does. He doesn't know what he wants. But he leaned more towards breaking up and there was nothing i could say to rebuke him because, well, i'm not going to be okay, i'm not gonna deal well with this..i'm sure neither is he..I'm not really sure we wanted this..maybe he did, i don't think so..maybe it was necessary..so many maybe's and if's and i just can't take them all at once.

  He told me that he'd call me tomorrow..and for some reason, i said "no"..that i didn't want to be his friend..but maybe subconsciouly i was hoping he'd say, we'll i can't have nothing from you, so we'll make this work...but i need to wake up and realize i'm not in a fantasy land right now...I can't believe i said that..i do want him to call..i do want to hear his voice. I do want to wake up from this..but unfortunately its not a dream...err..nightmare..

 *sigh*..i feel so lost right now..I know i'm strong..i can deal..but i can't picture myself with someone else right now. I know i shouldn't blame myself and i know am not at fault at all here..but i can't help but smack myself for seeing it coming...i think, by reading past journal entries, i knew it would, but i was just in denial about the whole thing.

  I'd also be lying if i said right now that i didn't want to get him back..to make it work, to make him realize, to make him see..to knock some fucking sense into him..i wasn't looking for a marriage..i was looking for a senior year boyfriend..it didn't have to be such a drama like its been made out to me. I enjoy his company, i think he enjoys mine..no i know he does..we have fun, i'm content and satisfied with him and very connected..so i guess i'm just clearly confused as to why this is just not okay right now. he's right i shouldn't be living in "arianna's shadow"..right. but its not like it has to be that way.

  I keep picturing us at the lost dog cafe that night when these guys were looking at me and i was weirded out and steve was like "they're looking at you..cause you're beautiful"..I haven't looked pretty lately..i haven't..i wouldn't even be attracted to me..i miss that..i miss hanging out at the beginning..seeing him play in GS..flirting with him at jason's before anything was official..when he tackled me on the couch and first kissed me..even when he brought my gloves that i "accidentally" left in his car to me because he knew i needed them cause the next day would be cold...watch all these girls scream for him and smile to myself knowing that after the gig, he was coming home with me..no, no..i need to stop this..

   this can just add to him feeling all powerful in this..not intentionally,but it will..I haven't seen him since this has happened..its not like we "run into each other"...ever..i'm scared about if i do, how i'm going to act..how i'm going to resist..fuck everything is so screwed up.

 i'd be lying if i said that i wasn't mad at him..i don't hate him..i never could..i just..want him to hold me and let me cry and let me take my anger out on him and just fix things...just fix things..fix me..