19 March, 2000-Sunday

9:02 p.m.

    So i'm sitting here scared to death. Just really really scared..I don't know what he's gonna say, i don't know what he decided today when he was at work. I just don't know anything at all. I wish i knew if he was gonna come over and talk or if he's just gonna be tired, go home and then call me.

    I thought we were good. I thought he really was happy. I just thought...wrong?

    *sigh*

    I don't know..it was just so out of the blue. He's not so open with me. Never has been. I thought friday was so perfect.

    The weird thing is. I totally totally understand where he's coming from. Not being able to get over your first love. God-i deal with that every single day of my life. And yet i talk to that first love constantly..

    The boy thinks he needs to get over this girl. He never said which girl, but of course i'm sure i know who it is. I can just look at him and tell when he's thinking about her. I just know. But i'm guilty myself.of the same crime. Thinking about a first love. Comparing, testing, missing, dreaming...

    I tried to tell him it was okay, that i know what he's going through and that if he ever wants to talk about it, he found the right person who can relate to it all. I hope he takes that into consideration. He's scared about getting close and then leaving for college. Well of course i am too. He thought maybe he was just looking to fill a void and the need for a companion. But isn't that all what we're doing at this age??

    So he went to bed..He was gonna sleep on it and get back to me.

    Meanwhile, i pour it all out to jason sherman. This was at 1:00 in the morning. He sat up with me till 3:30 telling me that it will all work out. Just as i don't, he doesn't understand why i always get guys who don't know "what a prized possession" they have/had. Well thanks ja, but i guess you didn't either...

   I'm just in a really really bitchy mood. I just went off on Nick Shirk..i'm complaining to Emily..but why the hell are all these guys infatuated with my friends now. Where does that leave me..huh? nowhere i guess..last year when this happened-it lead me to parties, wild guys, drinking, getting high, and alcoholic boyfriends.

   I'm stronger than that now.

    Everytime i hear a car door i think its steve..coming to talk to me.

   So far...it hasn't been.

On a little more of a positive note-tonight me and my family went out to dinner at Grande's. I wasn't in a good mood already. I woke up late cause i was so tired from being up till 4..so we went to grandes..and we were going with another family. The Goldsmith's..they have this son named Jared-he is SO beautiful. He's smart, he's sweet, he's determined..he's jewish;)(think he's interested-we're playing golf together as soon as it gets warm) but suprisingly..i didn't feel the desire to be with him like the first time...probably cause of steve...

12:27 a.m.

   So he didn't stop by. He called. It totally took me offguard because i thought when the phone rang it was jen calling me back but i heard his voice and i was like "oh my god"..it started off slow and awkward with the small little chit chat of "how are you?"..so i just out right told him to tell me what was on his mind and what conclusion's he came to. He kept saying that he was still confused and didn't know anything. basically i think what he was intending to do, was to end it. I fought it. He told me about ariana and how much he still wants her and has feelings for her and all that. I couldn't lie-it was time to be honest. I told him i am going through that right now with jason. Of course i'm always hoping that one day me and ja are back together...I basically sat there and encouraged him and told him that i wasn't mad about this whole thing-that i could write a book on it myself. I told him how it was gonna be with ariana and how if they were meant to be they'd find each other later on. That once you realize that best friendship is good for now, its the most peaceful feeling. It really is.

   But i also told him that i couldn't make him stay with me-i couldn't tell him how to feel. He told me that i was very much like ariana and that might not be a good thing. he then gave me the clerks qoute from silent bob- "don't pine for one, and fuck another"..ouch.

I hate the term "fucking". If he has feelings for me, and i for him-which we do. I sure as hell don't consider it that. I wouldn't be doing it, if it was just that. yuck.

   but i'm not better on that situation myself. I told him that you date for a reason-every person that you date teaches you something and that i could tell him every single reason behind God's purpose of putting me with every boyfriend..he asked me to tell him what i thought the reason for me being with him. so i gave it to him while crying on the other line.

                        1) He's so busy getting to where he wants and he's so determined that its such an admirable quality that i think is so incredible..

                        2) (this is where i started letting the tears roll..i cried even harder when repeating it to jen, cause i was looking in the mirror thats across from my bed as i was sitting and talking and i just looked so young and innocent and so small-like the world could swallow me) I told him that he inspired me so much. SO much. That i started playing my guitar and really trying to learn so i could just sit and play *something* for him. he is just such an inspiration i feel like i just always want to show him something new i can do.

                        3) He makes me want to write-a lot. It made me want to sit down and i did and learn how to make a webpage and do it cause i've always said i wanted to.

   I don't know why he has that impact on me-of making me just want to be so much more successful-of being something incredible and making my dreams come true. He asked me what i saw in him. I told him he was the boyfriend i wanted-artistic, sensitive, sweet, determined, and fun;)...

   I'm hoping that it did well..i sure hope that it didn't make him feel guilty..but i kept reminding him that i wasn't mad at him and that i wouldn't think he was a jerk and that it was his decision..he was *so* confused..he thinks maybe he rushed into all of this before he was ready, yet if he was to sit and be single thinking of her, it would make it worse. the whole time, he reminded and made sure to tell me that he likes me a lot and that i shouldn't doubt that he has IMMENSE feelings for me. and i trust that he's being honest. I mean i'm really not mad..she sounds like an amazing girl-i don't blame him..its hard moving on from your first love..its been 2 years almost for me and i still sometimes struggle..thats just the way life works though...

   I was just wondering if he was scared that he'd fall further for me..or start to lose interest..further making it hard to leave, and farther away making him more a jackass..so like he felt like he was a jerk either way..he wasn't sure what was gonna happen.

   I'm glad he was open and honest. It was just dragging on after awhile and i knew he wanted to think..i tried to be cute about some things to ease the tension and it was nice. He told me that he wanted me to persuade him ( i was like huh? like if me telling him all that wasn't persuasive enough..but whatev) and i tried. and before it was over i was like "since i made my argument, can i make a closing statement?" and he giggled and was like "yeah" and i was like "i'm not mad. I know its okay, you'll make it through and i can only try to help you through it. I hope you realize that and for your sake(trying to be cute..)..and mine..i hope you make a good decision". he was like "i know" and i got really scared and just asked him-"so steve...what are we?" and he goes "we're still together" so yeah...*sigh* we're still together just experiencing some problems. I really hope he makes the right decision...

   I called jen practically in tears..i was holding them back the whole time. told her what i said to him and bawled when i told her the inspiring thing. she was like

"ker, last week you were questioning and wanting to end it cause you weren't sure how you felt about him..look at you-you care so much about him. You REALLY do care, otherwise you wouldn't be like this-you would have just moved on to those other guys"

and i was like "i know...I didn't even realize how much i cared..i knew i did..but not to this extent.its gonna really suck if he ends it now" and she told me that even if he did, she has no doubt that he would realize and we'd get back together cause she said she just couldn't see us not together and that she wasn't just saying that to make me feel better..that she really did believe it.

my stomach is in knots..I just really want to hold him right now...he's just exactly what i wanted right now..if he chooses to end it right now-i know i'd be so lost. it would be a different story if it was at college, cause so many new experiences to help get moving on..but in the same world, same town lives, its gonna be hard to not be okay with this...

all i know is i need chamomile tea and tummy medicine cause this is working me up...so many what-if's in my head.

i'm such a sap and i really wish i had something intelligent to say-but this is my life. *i* have to deal with it..*you* have a choice.

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