6:22 p.m.

     I can't believe i just sat and wrote half a journal entry, and then my computer freezes. that bites and i'm pissed. It just adds to my mood i guess.

    So yeah. I'm home. I did go to camp, but now i'm home. you can't even imagine how grateful i am to be sitting her, but i just had the most horrifying and disgusting experience that i have ever had (of which i can remember).

    My dad and i hopped in the car yesterday ( we were planning on taking the plane, but since its a 3 passenger plane, and its raining, you can't take such a small plane through that weather). We drove 3 1/2 hours to the camp and drove right into it. I took into mind the fact that the weather was horrible, so of course the camp wasn't going to look beautiful, but this was just not what i expected. There was not one single soul walking around, due to the rain, but the camp had like no buildings-1 or 2 that i could see, and they were run down. So we keep driving down the path and we come to a building (it was more like a shack) that was the office. We go inside and introduce myself to the young people sitting behind the desks. Then out of the door, comes who i recognize to be the camp director from the video, brad, who introduces himself.

    I'm sure the look on my face, which was complete disgust and horror was not something they could not see..it was pretty apparent. Take into mind the fact that i had not even seen the whole camp yet...they kept telling me not to be overwhelmed, had me sign a contract, and assigned me to my bunk.

    My father and i took the car down the path to find Bunk # 6..i was mortified at the sights of the bunks. I'm used to huge bunks with big huge porches on a pretty campus/lawn, with space between the bunks. here i was standing in front of what looked like a miniature house that looked like it was about to fall apart. I walked in and traveled to the back of the bunk where there was no apparent bathroom, just 2 sinks, 2 toilets, and 2 showers..

    I unloaded all my bags into the bunk and looked around. there were SO many bunk beds and it was so crowded. I guessed that most of the girl counselors were there already since it seemed like all the beds were made and there was lots of luggage. At this point, i'm fighting back tears and my father is trying to encourage me : "kerri, so yes, the bunks are not in great condition, but just wait until you meet the kids, i'm sure you'll have a fun time." But even the unsureness in his voice was enough to tell me that he was thinking the same thing i was.

   We went back to the office to give them my medical forms and said goodbye to my father. In all my years of going to camp, i have never once thought twice about the fact i was leaving my parents. This was the first time i was crying and choking my goodbyes. I guess i was hoping that he would say "get in the car, i'm taking you home"

   So i go back to the bunk myself hoping that there are girls there to meet before mixer activities. I walked in and i met about 6 israeli girls. They were nice, but spoke little english (although i understand hebrew fluently so it wasn't a problem). I come to find out the girls are 20-23 years of age. i'm 18. my thoughts: there will be plenty of kids my age. The girls were telling me that i was the first american in the bunk. everyone was foreign. although i have nothing against foreign people, that was just not cool.

   We did the mixer activites, where i came to find out that out of the 70 people that were there, only like 5 tops, were american. most of them were also above the age of 20. i kept thinking about the fact that the director had told me all the counselors would be from all over the country and around my age. definitely not true.

   mixer activites ended and i went back to the bunk due to free time before dinner. i met a girl named emily darling who was so adorable and american and my age. She was used to going to ritzy camps also. She and I both started crying telling our stories of how we did not want to get out of the car. I went to the phones and i called Erin and left her a message telling her how disgusted i was by the camp, and how on the tour of the camp, there was only one cute guy (who did cling to me, he was gorgeous and i flirted and i got in good, but then i thought " i don't even want this..his cockiness reminds me of todd"), and how unhappy i was. Actually this was after i accidentally called Jason's house asking for Erin cause i was just so flustered.

  Anyhow, i also called my mother and she tried to tell me i could rough it. oh yeah, i haven't mentioned that the assistant manager of the camp was my age. why? cause she was a returning camper(like the ONLY one). she was so obnoxious. ugh. So we went to dinner and since we got there late cause of phone calls, we sat with these girls that were not really talkative. Brad sat down next to emily and when he got up to make an announcement she turned to me and we both go "eww". he reminded me of one of those Jews for Jesus type rabbis. we learn their traits when we're younger so that we know to keep away. I'm not saying he was, but he had the aura of one. I overhear a conversation of a girl saying how she learned her first hebrew word today and i was like "great. i'm happy she's happy. but that's sad..jen knows more hebrew words than she does". I felt like i was first grader sitting there. the way we were setup and the blessing they said before the meal (which i bet half of them didn't even know what they were saying)..and i kept telling myself not to be judgmental of the reform. but i couldn't help it. 

   So in Judaism: we don't mix any milk products with any meat products. I knew the camp wasn't kosher,  but Brad told me they didn't mix milk and meat, which was okay. But it was apparent on the table that the potatoes were in butter and that the dessert definitely was made with milk. So i only ate bread. Then i overhear a conversation where a girl goes "yeah, the foods not that bad, this morning for breakfast i had turkey sausage and milk". I jumped up from my chair, took emily with me, and went to the phones. I was hysterically crying.

  Everything this guy had told me was a lie about the camp. They don't have nice facilities(its too dirty), they don't do anything jewish really (He knows no hebrew words), there is no sabbath, the counselors are foreign and much older, and they mix milk and meat.

  I called my dad and i was crying and he was crying telling me he was sorry for leaving me there. He was already back home and too tired to come get me. But that he was going to have them put me on a bus. Emily was crying cause she couldn't get a hold of her parents and i'm dying to know if they came and got her, i sure hope so. Brad talked to me and didn't even convince me. I spoke my mind telling him that he misrepresented the camp and i had stronger jewish values than what they were putting forth here. He was offended and i could have cared less. He made the arrangements to get me to the bus.

  I called erin and left her a message and told her i was leaving the camp and that i wasn't letting her fly up on tuesday.

  I didn't feel like i gave up, i felt like i was getting out. I realized that the values and beliefs and ideas that were instilled in me were more than i was aware of.

  So i got home at 3 in the morning, still soaking wet and cold and hungry and tired. My dad and i were crying when he picked me up and then i came home and called Yitz.

  I was right in getting out. It was not right for me to be there. I thought i could be comfortable if i was at least with jewish people. but i didn't even feel jewish when i was there....

7:50 p.m.

     ohmigod. While i was typing that. It was like meant to happen. I get a phone call. It's Becca. My age group leader from my last summer at camp ramah. She's calling to tell me she's so excited to hear that i want to work for her and that they have openings for me AND erin. this is so incredible. last minute. pulling through. woo!

   So right now. its settled. I'm leaving tomorrow and coming back on visiting day(july 23rd). But at least i get to stay a month. I'm too excited. And its so weird but my last journal entry i'm sure is like the same feeling when i was excited for crane lake. But at least this time i know what i'm getting into.

   The only problem now is that Erin had already cancelled her ticket..so she has to buy a new one. eek. but hopefully this way she can fly into binghamton airport or something.

   I'm scared in that i can't imagine walking the roads of camp without jason holding my hand..but i know i can do this. And plus erin will be there and sticking by my side.

  I am going to be a babysitter at camp which they have newly titled "family helper"..and a live-in in a bunk..meaning i will kind of be a counselor, so i'll get the gist of what its like, but those campers won't be my main responsibility. this is too cool. okay i can't sit here and type cause i have things to do now. this is so great. And they have the best shabbats.