18 March, 2000-Saturday

3:23 p.m.

    My first journal entry that's ever gonna be posted to the web. I mean i've written journal entries when sitting at the computer-intending to one day make a webpage where they would be up. But it never made it. I'm not sure why. I doubt it wasn't that i didn't think that it was time for me to "debut"..I think it was the lack of desire and perseverance to actually sit down and take out the time to really design and learn how to put the whole thing up.

    I remember reading on someone's website..or maybe it was on hunnycam-that a lot of the people who kept journals regretted it the minute they put it up. It caused problems with family members, and especially friends. I'm not so sure yet if i'm gonna regret this. I can imagine that i will eventually..or maybe right away. But i haven't decided yet as to if i'm gonna tell everyone this is up. Right now its for me. I need this. I need to write. I sit my ass at the computer and waste the day away when deep down i know i should be upstairs filling up those dusty journals with all i have to say. And there's so much..The thing i hate about book journals is that i always have a lot of going on in my mind. Stream of conscience...and i can't write fast enough what is going on in my head. It's definitely much easier to type.

my brother got me addicted to Dar Williams..*sigh* i can't afford to buy CD's..grr..i have absolutely no money and right now i just want to run out and buy all her CD's..and learn how to play her songs on my guitar. It doesn't seem to hard. All i do is learn the chords and stuff-right? problem: I just got fake nails. No, i never thought about the fact that i can't press down on the frets without my nail hitting another string not intended to be pressed. *sigh* what a frustration..i just can't seem to get it without the weird sound. Makes me sad. And i *just* got the nails. It would be such a waste for me to bite them right off after paying a good 15 bucks for them. 15 bucks to me is A LOT of money. seeing as how i pay for my gas in quarters..humph.

    Anway-last night. I spent it with Steve. Well actually i went to an NCSY get together. It was just my advisor from yeshiva university. His name is Yitz. He wanted me there so that I could speak to him about going to israel for my first year of college. Really and honestly, i'm not sure if i want to go to israel for the intense learning, or for the partying and having fun..There's too much to think about and take into consideration and i really just don't know. I mean if i were to defer penn state and then have everything not pan out, i'll seriously be screwed.I mean i doubt that NCSY rabbi's and advisors would ever let that happen. Eh-but who knows. I think i'm just happier about penn state right now. However, planning on going in my junior year might not pan out either. I'll have to leave my friends behind, worry about transfering credits..shit like that. I might even lose my passion to go by then. But its israel-you can't really lose your passion for that place.

   So after that-I was only there for a half an hour before Steve came to get me. He brought me over to his friend Kyle's house. Ilana had told me before hand that mrs. ziebarth (kyle's mom) was so cool to get along with. And she definitely was. So his friends..hehe..they're funny and they remind me of my friends. There was one girl in the whole group of boys and that's how i usually am when it comes to the group of boys involving brian, ryan, mike, thomson..and it really really made me miss that scene. All those boys are in college now and its like i have nobody really. Well i do..but.just not the same. Steve's really gung-ho about being with his friends. *perfectly understandable*..I'm a good girlfriend like that. I always like when my boys are happy hanging out with their friends. I guess i wish i just got to see him more. I'm being pouty about that lately but still..the boy is just too busy. But he's so determined and successful i think its great and he's got a lot of potential. It's more about me missing my crew...and losing the girl crew cause of the guy crew..fucking sucks.

   I have no idea what his friends were planning on doing. I talked to Jason Casey today and he told me he saw Steve's friends at The Spot ( a 24hour diner that Steve's friends go to because they were kicked out of Denny's). We tried to follow his friends but they were driving so fast, i was in a skirt cause of NCSY and me and Steve really had planned on renting a movie, just relaxing together and watching it, so Steve just said screw it and we went and rented a movie. We picked out "American History X". Now i had heard about it, but never really wanted to see it. I doubt that if he hadn't suggested it, that I would have never seen it. But it was incredible..Ever since my intership and learning about photography, i definitely always notice imagery and stuff in movies. It had such incredible imagery and symbolism. Edward Norton did a fantastic job. I credit anybody who is able to play such an offensive role. Steve said he could never do it cause that character had to have a huge nazi swastika on his chest for the whole movie. There were some scenes that offended my religion but mostly they focused on white protestants hating african americans. Plus some really graphic scenes that made me cringe. I think the one scene that really made a deep impact on me was when "Derek" got out of the shower after being released from jail and seeing himself in the mirror and stopping to look at his chest with the tattoo..he then took his hand and slowly covered it.

   It was just so great. Such a twister of an ending-I totally didn't see it coming. I'm surprised that this movie never got that many awards. Well at least i don't think so-none that i know of..But it was really nice to watch it with steve and it was just something different we needed to do.

   I guess sometimes i think we don't talk enough...or do anything that doesn't involve fooling around. But lately its been getting better I mean there are a lot of guys that i could date and i know i'd get to see much more. ie:adam. but ya know, steve is just right for me for the time being. Just something is teling me to rough out his gruesome schedules. plus it gives me more time for myself. But so many times, so many times I would talk to jason sherman about steve and although jason was an ex, he's *always* supported me and given his imput..and i was like "jason..i can't do it anymore, i want a boyfriend who gives a shit about me and i just dont feel that." and it was ja who said, "kerri, don't give up..just see i think you'll be happier if you don't let him go-i just have this feeling that you shouldn't give up just yet" and i didn't and ever since then i think steve's been a bit better at making me feel like he cares. for awhile there i felt like things had totally changed once we started having sex, as if now i was just his whore. but i know i'm not. Ja told me to talk to steve about it, but what he doesn't get is that steve is a typical guy, and he is not, so he can't tell me what to do with steve cause its what would work with him..ja is my idea of the perfect guy and so i can't always follow his advice. I never did talk to steve about how i was feeling..i kinda just gave a little attitude..ehh who knows..things are a better so i'm just hoping they stick for a little while..I guess if steve ever finds and reads this page..he'll end up finding out. If that happens, i can't help it-i'm taking that chance.

Its 4:30 now and i am still in pajamas. Now with the new stomach medicine i'm better and i'm gaining weight cause i can eat..its gross. so i'm going running.

12:32 a.m.

   Ow. My tummy hurts. I just came home from IHOP. okay yeah-DUMB waitresses. I asked if the crepes were greasy and she was like "a little" so i asked if the pancakes were greasier and she goes "i think about the same"..um NO. crepes were much greasier than the pancakes. yuck! I HATE greasiness..makes my tummy uneasy..

Anyway-I just had fun. I got to see ilana when i haven't seen her since october (or i don't know when..all i know it was when me and jon broke up.)..It was really nice..she's just one of those friends you'll have forever and have so many memories with and you don't need to talk on the phone or talk for ages but when you still see each other its like you never parted...I was late arriving to her house and i thought she was gonna be pissed. But i was late cause i had just gotten out of the shower when jen showed up. And of course me and jen could talk forever and so i kinda went slowly cause i always had to pause and talk to her..And then i sped over to ilana's. We jumped in the car and got to her high school to see their senior school play-"Our Town"..I was really impressed. Like REALLY impressed. I wonder if we even have kids at our school that talented to act like that. I'm sure we do, i probably just don't pay attention. But anyway-it was good and i went back to ilana's and i had told jen i'd be at her house at 9:30..So i hopped in the car and sped to jen's. Kristy and Kristin were there-i didn't know they were going to be. But i got there and kristy and jen were getting ready to go some kid named matt's party. Yeah hi. I have no idea who he is. They were trying to convince me to go. But first off-i don't want to be in a situation where i'll be uncomfortable and turn to drinking to be at ease. (FYI: I haven't been drunk since MAY..since MAY. meaning i'm almost going on a year here..i'm gonna make it..its a big change from the every weekend drinking i used to do last year). So kristin wasn't up to going either, so we decided to go to IHOP.

I really had a nice time with her. I felt like i was losing my friends, but once again i know that i can just have fun with someone like kristin even though we hardly talk. It was fun and she has changed a bit and it was nice to just chat and find out whats new in her life and her views on some different things. We talked all the way back to her house..i didn't want to hang out any longer at her house because 1)i'm tired.. 2) i wanted to work on this page 3) i just wanted to wear pajamas and drink almond tea.

dave just sent me the realaudio version of "when i see you smile"..that just totally made my night..

well i was just gonna type up some lyrics to it until it timed out and disconnected..i'll have to rethink that making my night...i poop on you dave;P

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