17 April, 2000-Monday

    Box 'o' fun

listening to: "say it" by Voices of Theory

eating: vegetable soup

talking to: Steve, Jen, Ricky, Dave, Emily(TJJ)

missing: Erin, Tiff, Jason

reading: "simple Abundance"

thinking: "i wish i felt better so i could lose some weight"

trying: to write my paper but haven't found the motivation

feeling: frustrated

wanting: to be in steve's arms

wearing: pajamas

Diarist

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   didn't go to school today. Did not feel well at all. I was overtired, cranky, naseous, and in pain.

  right now i have the hiccups. Those are really weird..why do they happen. I still have no idea.

  I think i woke up around 3:00..I'm still in my pajamas and glasses and i still feel a little under the weather..but much better than i did this weekend. I should be working on my paper..but i figure, since i can write about a page of it each time i have a spurt of motivation to do it..i can get it done by wednesday night if i keep having sporadic spurts..

  I watched oprah today. And it was a show about gratitude and being thankful. And they mentioned these books called "simple abundance" and the name sounded so familiar. So i jumped up and ran to the living room where i remember seeing these books before. We had both the daybook of comfort and joy and the journal of gratitude. The daybook of comfort has an entry for each day about something or other and it has to do with finding yourself and being a woman and it was really great. And then in the journal of gratitude, there is a space for each day where you write 5 things that you are thankful for. I think i'm going to start that. But in the beginning of the gratitude journal, it listed "150 often overlooked blessings"..some of them were incredible and ones i really related to, so i'm gonna list them here

• answered prayers
• that moment of relief when you realize that the pain has subsided
• your boundless imagination
• feeling the presence of Spirit in your life
• seeing him or her and having your heart skip a beat
• seeing him or her and finally feeling nothing
• trying something new and loving it
• meeting your soulmate and realizing that you have known each other before
• the moment when the veil is lifted from both your eyes and you know that you know
• hearing a piece of music that instantly touches your soul
• reading a passage in a book or poem that expresses exactly how you feel
• holding hands
• a nap
• realizing that there are no coincidences
• coming in after being caught in a thunderstorm, getting out of wet clothes and into dry, warm ones (i did that last week!)
• friendship that endures and thrives despite the obstacles of time and distance
• being able to trust another human being
• receiving flowers
• moving on
• letting go gracefully without regrets
• the first morsel of your favorite comfort food
• feeling a sense of pride in yourself
• that person who takes your breath away when your standing beside them
• being with a person with whom you can communicate without words
• the awareness of innocence
• fitting into last years clothes
• receiving a love letter. writing one.
• the moment you are able to distinguish between your needs and wants
• hearing the words "i love you"

those are just some of the ones that i love the best. and that i truly truly feel.

actually it was yesterday that me and jen were talking about the coincidences things. Our lives seem to parallel each others SO perfectly. We've both dealt with family situations that are hard, I hooked up with steve the same night jen hooked up with sean, ben and then adam, she's going to binghamton's prom, i might be also.. basically just everything parallels each other..seriously..its so weird..and i think that's why we relate so well..we're both catty girls, but not to each other. just to other girls...not purposely but we do..we are judmental, but we definitely think on the exact same length..on pretty much EVERYTHING..everything. i love her to death, we laugh at the same things, we like the same things..we're supportive of each other..there's nothing like this. It's best friendship at its peak, and i honestly feel sorry for the people who don't experience this ever..its the best. but these things..they're not coincidences. they all happen for a reason. we were meant to be the best of friends. we love each to no end-never to get sick of the other..and plus. she's got a great ass! (i know what you guys must be thinking..but no..don't think that...jen knows the joke behind that one;) )...i don't kow how i'm going to be able to go to college without her..we have withdrawal..seriously..when i haven't talked to her for a couple of hours, i'm thinking "get me to a phone..i need to call jen"..hehe:)

   I was also thinking deeply about my beliefs today. They haven't really changed since last year..but what i do realize is that last year i was so pro-God...I discussed Him and His love and all that stuff with Maria during lunch like everyday, i went to NCSY things, I had yeshiva by phone (learning about God with an advisor)..i was just so into trusting Him. And this year, with being sick and all, i haven't really thought about Him much. Like i do, but i have doubts and its weird. I wonder if i was to pray everyday and think about Him all the time and trust him, would i be this sick..am i being punished..for being wild, for doubting, for having sex, for shit-talking some Jewish beliefs, for just being your typical teenager. I think i'm a lot farther than tons of other teenagers, yet, i feel in a way like i'm the one being punished. i felt like i was being blessed this summer with the greatest of things, none of which i have right this second. On the trip i had popularity, the most fun roomates, a boyfriend who treated me better than a queen, girls who looked up to me and a WHOLE group of them that i connected to. Don't get me wrong, i care so much for my boyfriend now, i have a best friend and my group of girls are fun, but i don't see them often. Things are definitely different.

 check this out:

LilRedHead101: hey hun 
TennKer: hiya cutie 
TennKer: you'd be glad to hear i'm updating right now 
LilRedHead101: i just wanna tell you, that i printed out your journal last nite because i couldn't stay by the computer and read it, and um, i was reading it in class, and this girl goes, lemme see what your reading, so she read it, and she goes, wow whoever wrote this has some serius writing talent and should put it to work, and then someone else was like put what to work, and your journal was passed to her, and she goes, wow! how old is whoever wrote this and im like 17 or maybe 18, and she was in shock.. 
LilRedHead101: to make a long story shorter, the whole room plus the harvard graduate/english teacher was amazed by your writing 
LilRedHead101: and they all want to read your website on a daily basis 
TennKer: are you serious? 
TennKer: no way! 
TennKer: that's SO awesome!! 
LilRedHead101: dead serius 
TennKer: what entries did you print out? 
LilRedHead101: you'll also be glad to know that a very handsome senior by the name of brandon yankowitz, read the journal, andd said how amazing it was and how if it was a girl he'd like to meet you, and i said u'll do it next year because she also is going to penn( he was wearing a penn sweatshirt) he seemed very happy, just yesteredy's journal 
TennKer: he's going to penn which is the univeristy of pennsylvania..i'm going to pennsylvania state..its different..but oh well:) 
TennKer: wow..i'm suprised..did you give them the website? 
LilRedHead101: yea it was on the sheet

how neat is that? cute:)

   steve's paranoid about me cheating on him with his friends..to be totally blunt. and i'm sorry, but i guess there is nothing that i could possibly say to him to make him understand that i would never ever cheat on him. I know from his previous experiences he would think that..but god, there is nothing in me that would make me want to do that. so his friends are fun and nice and they make me laugh. That's great-cause i feel comfortable enough to hang around them..but i don't see the problem in that. Steve must have a skewed image of how much i really do give a fuck about him..because i like him so much that its starting to scare me and that in itself is reason enough to believe that i would never ever cheat. I'm not previous girlfriends, i'm not typical girl. I dont' really know that many girls in my class that are very much like me at all..seriously. ask jason casey, he can tell what girls are stupid and what girls aren't. i'm NOT stupid. i'm..not to be stuckup..one in a lot...because there aren't very many who act and believe the same things i do...i wish he could just see that.Goddamnit, steve, trust me. please.

  the frustration in trying to get him to believe that is hurting me. Steve tells me about girls that he thinks are beautiful and who he'd want to be with if not me..and i don't say those things to him..there isn't really that many i'd want to be with besides steve anyhow. plus me saying that andrew is so adorable, means nothing really. he's adorable. I find plenty of guys adorable. that does not mean i want to be with them. I'm with the most adorable one now. *sigh* this argument is so tiring.

   So i forgot to write about Brian Schwartz in my entry..and he's begging me to. He called me the other night and we talked for a while. he's fun, and i'm making him make me a CD of all those "take your clothes off" music songs. But he's a riot and he has 3 way calling and he constantly puts me on it. you're lucky brian, that shaya wasn't home, cause i would have hung up..Shaya and i have tons of problems from my trip this summer. Ohmigod, i'd be rich for the many times he yelled at me and jon for being near each other. Its a mutual disliking between me and shaya..but i wish that jason finkelstein was home cause i haven't talked to him since my trip and he's the best! he's "too cool to be hot"..lol..woo! but brian thinks i'm nasty..so i don't know why he calls me;)

 I really need to work on my paper.

 here's a qoute that i definitely can relate to..and think is definitely great:

  "we shape our dwellings, and our dwellings shape us"

  too much i can relate to...