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Box 'o' fun REMEMBER THE
FIRST TIME I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU - "IF YOU
DIE" YOU SAID "SO DO I" YOU SAID... "IF YOU
DIE" YOU SAID "SO DO I" YOU SAID... REMEMBER THE LAST
TIME I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU - "IF YOU
DIE" YOU SAID "SO DO I" YOU SAID... "IF YOU
DIE" YOU SAID "SO DO I" YOU SAID THERE IS NO IF... JUST AND THERE IS NO IF...
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5:20 p.m. phew. So i just got home from work..and i know i haven't written in a pretty long time. And i definitely can tell that there is a decrease in the amount of hits i get over time, if i don't update. which is understandable. But work. bleh. It's SO cold outside right now. So we closed early cause there weren't any more customers. Lemme see..Its been since Tuesday that i've written..Nothing too exciting went on. Wednesday i was supposed to hang out with Steve, which resulted in neither of us calling the other, and therefore not hanging out. I was being stubborn cause i wanted to see if he would call..he didn't, cause he was sleeping thinking i would call...I felt like he was playing games with me...and finally we fought online, then i signed off cause i hate discussing important things online..and i called laura-crying...and 10 minutes later he beeped through..and i was sick of keeping the things i felt, to myself (ie: as i did when i was dating Yonder..i would never tell him how i felt, resulting in built up feelings of anger and bitchiness)..so i pretty much spoke up..and we fought, and it hurt..And it all came down to this Arianna deal..Am i stupid to think that he has no room in his heart for me? I just kinda feel like i'm dating her also, because yeah, she comes along with the steve package..but..there's the "her" and the "she" in this relationship (when me and him are referring to "her")..like there is no "he" or "him" in my relationship with steve, concerning jason..or jon..or whatever..but i think i'm digging more of a grave than explaining this well..Me being with Steve, causes Arianna to be a wreck (and not to be rude or anything, but to actually tell your ex that you're a wreck and it hurts you that he's in a relationship with a good catch, well, i think, is selfish..cause then it makes him hurt to hurt you..and maybe that's my personal opinion, but i have to hear about jason being SO happy with Ariel, and i even cried when i found out he was dating aliza..but i never ever would find the nerve to tell him that. its just not right..its like trying to make them guilty and hurt for hurting you)..and i wonder if she even cares how i'm gonna feel..she comes home in 5 days..I honestly can't see him picking me over her..he basically said he's really confused and doesn't know what to do and that he's "rocking the boat"..and so my reply: "well i don't want to fall off the boat"... "She broke
down, and I broke down Friday night i spent babysitting Sydney..she was actually quite good for me. She hardly cried at all , but it was tiring..and i thought i would be out of there by at least 8:30, so i could drive up to elk lake and see Granulated Sugar play..but the Dana's came home at 9:15..with the people they went out to dinner with and then invited my family over for dessert and coffee..and i didn't get home until 11:00....SO exhausted and i was just sitting with my dad watching TV when we hear the doorbell ring. And i followed my dad to the door and Steve was standing there and it was such a suprise and so nice and i gasped when i saw him..it had totally made my night cause i was bummed about missing the show..i mean he couldn't hang around long cause of a birthday party he needed to be at..but even 5 minutes with him was what i needed. it was nice..and i got to hear about the girls being all over him at the show. I didn't expect the show to be any different..he's always got girls chasing him... yay! i'm talking to Aaron Suggs right now (ktheory)..i met him last night when i hung out with steve's friends. It was weird to meet him in person because i've been reading his online journal and i know a little bit about him..and he's more of one of those people who aren't somebody you consider real, cause you've never seen them in the physical form..you only "know" them through their words...but he's really smart and i had fun hanging out with him, and steve's friends last night. I worked all yesterday..9 hours straight without a break..i was dying by the end..and then i rushed home to shower and ran out to binghamton to the park to meet steve and his guys..Andrew and Steve L. We ended up meeting up with a few more of his friends and all going back to Kyle's house..His friends are really nice..and funny..the only ones who really talked to me (everyone was nice..), were andrew, steve L., and aaron. Since they were nice and welcoming, i felt comfortable, which was good. And i dug a grave with steve on the car-ride home..i just mentioned that he's SO not PDA like whatsoever..like if you were an outsider, you wouldn't be able to even tell we were together..i mean it doesn't bother me, i can fend on my own without a boyfriend hanging all over me...but it was just different..and he got defensive..of course its difficult being around a whole new group of people who are judging you and obviously comparing you to his others..but i handled it pretty well..I definitely understand why he would miss being able to go out with his friends, cause they are a lot of fun..i giggled alot last night..not to steve's liking..but whatever. So then i went with steve back to his house and we hung out for about 2 hours.. And i got home around 3:30..and didn't go to bed until 4..and then i woke up for work..really sick. I was in so much pain today..and i'm SO drugged up right now..but whatever..I worked from 11-5 (we closed early cause it was cold).. Something interesting:..lately I've been hanging around the conklin sports park a lot..to hit golf balls..and work (obviously) and i've been seeing rick root (not the same rick as jenn's rick), and joe brainard..hitting balls..and usually i end up talking to them for a little while..and ever since i've been working..rick has stopped by to say hello..i never thought much of it..i mean i enjoyed him stopping by, but..this isn't making sense..lemme explain: Last year, i was INCREDIBLY wild..liking such bad boys and stuff. Rick was one of my lab partners in physics, and he would always hear my stories about being wild with the CF boys..and liking/seeing matt minhennet (who rick would always shake his head at cause matt is SUCH a bad ass..seriously..matt was a bit of an alcoholic, wild, buff, punk, with a penis piercing..and you get the idea)..so i was a little cutie with not so much experience, wanting the bad boys for the experience and to be wild, and rick would be like "kerri, these boys..not good"..and we had this joke that he was my "father who dissaproved of the guys i date"..but me and jenn always thought rick was the ultimate guy. He is gorgeous, buff, sweet, smart, hardworking, caring, funny...the list goes on. Jenn and I felt that he was the "perfect guy"..and i really liked him at the beginning of this year...but i never saw him so that died out. now back to today..since we've(rick and i) been talking..i'm much more reserved and goal oriented and mature and we talk like friends..so he came to visit me yesterday..and then again today and i was like "huh.." but i didn't expect him to do what he did next. Joe walked away and i had taken care of the customers..and rick whips out the pencil and scorecard and goes "what are you doing this weekend?" and i go "nothing" (*slapping forehead*..i totally didn't expect that nor did i know what to say)..and he goes "well i'll take you out and we'll have some fun..what's your number?" and i was like "um...775-xxxx" and he goes "great, well i'll call you this week"..and once he left, i just turned around and went "huh..rick root just asked me out..and i'm so not excited"..i would have been so excited try back in like october, but now i just am indifferent, its nice to know, but...i'm so wrapped up in steve that this rick thing doesn't phase me. which scares me because that means i really have fallen SO hard for steve..uh-oh. I'm not telling rick just yet that i have a boyfriend..i'm not..because although i wish i could tell him and him still want to hangout with me as just friends, i don't see that happening...guys just don't like that most of the time..they want all or nothing...but i haven't told him because, well, this is so wrong of me, but i'm keeping him as backup..just because arianna is coming home in 5 days..and as much as i trust steve..i am scared. i am REALLY scared..and i'm trying to stay positive and all, I really am..i mean i'd be more hurt in losing steve..but also losing a date to the prom..and everything that comes with a boyfriend..the companionship, the protectiveness, the friendship..right now i need that..no...i don't need that. i'm just really liking it right now. I really don't have anyone to run to..i'm scared of everything..of losing him, of loving him-cause i doubt its mutual, of being screwed over...pretty much of losing..jen just sent me something that she said i'd relate to: [from the new show on WB: D.C. (not dawson's creek)] he was talking about his girl he was on again off again with for 4 yrs of college and the girl he was with finally said something along the lines of "i hate her. shes made you question your own self-worth over these years, made you feel you needed her to be yourself...she was indecisive, my feelings are you're either in or you're out. point blank." wow she's got guts. I'm really liking how things are with steve right now though. i really do. this past weekend was great and it may seem like i'm not, but i really am happy with him and how things are..right now..until..*sigh* *pout*..so not feeling well..naseous..owwww...wanna curl up and sleep...
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