7:28 p.m.

     Okay- I'm really scared about doing this. For some reason, i know that in like 5 days..err..wait, maybe even 5 minutes, i'm going to regret starting the journal up again. Ehh-who  knows. I'm seriously going to try to find out how to password protect it so that the people who read this who are also involved in it, depending on who they are, will not be able to access it. Because it is my journal and i'm really sick of censorship. Read my disclaimer then. Seriously, i don't give a fuck about privacy. k? sucks to know me then, huh?

    well, maybe i do have to respect some peoples privacy. whatever- its always going to be a battle i guess.

    anyway, right now i am sitting and waiting for a guy named John Schapiro from Crane Lake to call me back. Erin said that she talked with him this morning and that he said he was going to call me. And that maybe they could accomodate me. I even promised that if i had a good time, i would go back the next summer. I'm too fucking awesome. I'm sorry for praising myself, but i know this. I'm real and i talk alot and i know how to have fun and i'm great with kids. hmm..like, what the hell do i have to do? do i need to like send them flowers, a singing telegram, maybe even have my name "Kerri: What a fine fucking counselor she'd be" in lights?? geez! I guess the only thing i can see wrong with me is that i say "fuck" too much.

   I feel like i'm waiting for a boy to call..like "is he gonna call me?"..and all that crap. This is so pathetic, but this guy needs to realize that he's playing with my summer here too. he tells erin one thing, and then doesn't follow through. I'm the one that he needs to be talking to. Or maybe he's discussing with director of camp if this could work. I'm analyzing this way too much. I mean i've dated quite enough to know that if a guy doesn't call you when he says, he's not interested. Hell, i pull the same shit. But this isn't dating, this is about a job. I mean at least i've put forth some effort that even if he wasn't interested in having me be a counselor, he could at least let me know.

   Wow-this is weird. For once, i mean for my first returning journal entry, its weird to sit here and not talk about [nameless ex-boyfriend] (i have to protect privacy-since i was asked personally)...cause there's nothing to talk about concerning him. Okay, i'm laughing right now..i can't tell you why..but i am. It's really funny. "what goes around comes around" lalalalalala:) 'nuff said.

   I was going through Camp Ramah's website today and going through pictures and i came across a picture of the girls i C.I.T.ed for and it hit me SO hard. they had grown up and changed a little bit. And i actually missed sitting there having them tell me pointless stories about things that excited them SO much. And i kept going through pictures until i came to a picture that had Erica and Mike Landsburg. That's when i started crying..Erica was such a great Junior Counselor..and for the 2 years after that she was always there for us. She was who we all wanted to grow up and be. Even part of me still does. I think i'm pretty close to how she was. She was pretty, confident, great personality, and always "one of the guys"...i play that role pretty well. I wonder what ever happened between her and Mike and if they ever really got and stayed together for good (it was so obvious they were meant to be)..and then after i looked at the pictures, i had to go back to school...

  Maybe i should just stop analyzing more about this. And i know a lot of people think i'm crazy for not asking to be paid. But i'm not going to even be there for one whole session..just for 4 weeks..and i think the first session starts like in a couple days and ends July 21st.

   I was trying to explain why i need to go to camp to Josh Nytch (former co-worker, current assistant manager of the sports park)..and its weird to think i'd only be working 2 more days at the park if i have to go to camp. not that i'll miss it or anything. that's for sure.Josh has been such a good friend to me lately. I really like talking to him.

  Wow-its really cold in here because the air conditioner is on High and my mom is really hot..lol..temperature wise. So she keeps turning it up and its blowing on me and i can't take it.

   So i'm going to go and call the camp and make them talk to me.

12:02 a.m. (currently June 13th)

     I called. And I talked to the director. I'm in! Yes!!!!! I am going to be a counselor at Crane Lake. Only if i can make it up for a couple of days during staff week cause that is crucial. And then i will come home to graduate. And then i will go back. And Erin will be there. I'm so excited. You cannot believe.

    I rushed to get my application done and fill out the questions that they asked (which i did really well..even i am impressed by my answers) and my dad is going to fax it in the morning. The guy will call me and we will set times up. oh this is going to be so great.

   Talked to Jason...he seems excited for me and happy that i'm not going for the whole summer. This way he can come down in July and hopefully it won't be the last time we see each other before college, although this might be the case. :( He knows that i would make a great counselor and if it wasn't for him my last summer as a C.I.T., i might have not gotten that chance. He knows why. I love him a lot and i'm so glad that he supports my decision. However spur of the moment it was.

   However, I called Jen to get her address for my application and she was already in tears over problems with Joe. So i helped her out. I sat there and had tears running down my face because i couldn't bear to tell her that i'm leaving. And I still haven't. And in 6 days.  If things turn out really badly with Joe, I'm not going to know what to do. I don't know how i can leave her. She is definitely the most important person in my life and i honestly don't know why just knowing she would be here, wasn't enough to keep me here. But it has nothing to do with her, its something that i need to do for myself. I'm sorry Jen and i do hope that you forgive me.

   I know this is going to be so hard on her..it's going to be hard on me. I just hope that my stomach can handle all this cause right now its in so much pain cause of the pressure of getting everything in. And of course all the screaming that went on in my family about the issue and taking off of work to drive me to massachusetts..oh lord.

  But i do know that i have to be awake for my internship so that i can finish it and be able to graduate and i do have a final tomorrow so even though i know theres so much more i can talk about, i'm not going to.