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11 April, 2000-Tuesday |
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Box 'o' fun See, I thought this feeling
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8:37 p.m. Uggh..i feel really really fat. and i'm fucking irritable and all i do lately is swear. This is SO hard..i need the zoloft..i'm not happy really..and my dad says i can't live my life on drugs..but ya know, i'd rather. cause i'd be a nicer, happier, and because it curbed my appetite,-thinner person. My dad told me that i looked heavier than i did back in december/january..besides the fact that i've got some color back in my face because food has not been coming back out..my face looks heavier..my thighs are heavier..and basically i look gross. And i don't even want to see Steve cause i don't feel attractive in the least bit. And i have been eating more and more of a variety cause i look at some foods now and think "well at least it will stay in my stomach"...but prom is coming up and i want to look nice. I wrote a lot yesterday..I was watching oprah, it was nice outside, i felt sorta pretty, and i was pretty much in a good mood for the most part..i had like a burst of writing inspiration and so i sat down and did it. If i have time tonight, which i shouldn't have cause i still have to call jessica and work on a ten page paper that is due in a week that i haven't started, i'll type what i wrote and post it. and thank you, but this is the type of shit i get from my dad "you're so easy to screw up, that's why you're a follower and not a leader"..so i asked him to provide me with examples, but he told me he'd give them to me when he felt like it. wow, and you wonder why my self-esteem is about at zero right now. 9:30 p.m. Okay so i've burned some steam and burned some calories..i just nordic tracked for half an hour..i was so pumped from fighting with my dad..who decided to tell me that Jen leads me around by my nose and whenever she tells me to jump, i jump..and i'm like "um..no..jen does stuff i ask her to also" and he didn't believe me..and i'm like "you are SO jealous of me spending so much time with jen that you degrade her credibility to helping make me who i am" and he was like just nodding his head smirking like he thought the words coming out of my mouth were bullshit. And so i went on to tell him that his close mindedness has driven me to be completely the opposite and so open-minded to everything, that i can't stand who my parents are, so it makes me not want to be anything like them. granted i want to grow up and give my kids the necessities and more, like they gave me, but the ideas and morals, are not the same that i'm going to give my children. And I wouldn't trade my experiences with this family, because of what they have put me through and what i've got, that's what makes me who i am. If i didn't have to deal with this stuff, i'd probably be a whole different person. But still, its frustrating. To have my parents tell me, after i tell them they don't really know me, that they know me better than i know myself, is SO wrong. Yeah, maybe i'm clueless to the fact that they might know the intimate details of my life, but UGH! i'm SO ticked. And my dad has given me crap about me being totally irritable the last few days. I don't know why i've been like that. The last couple of days, theres something i feel i'm missing, and i don't know what it is..its just this feeling i have..for example, today, we were up in syracuse for new visions, and i was having a blast. chris is so funny and the girls are a blast that i'm content as boring as our tours sometimes may be..but we were in this big convention center, and there was this girl whose boyfriend was there and he was from syracuse or something, and it was totally obvious that they were together, and just watching them in their own little world and not able to keep their hands off of each other was just very reminiscent of how me and jon/me and jason were when we had our relationships..it was weird to watch it from the outside..very weird..for the first time-it wasn't me. Not that it needed to be..it just hits hard..just something i'm not used to seeing..something i take for granted when i have. something i know i deserve but just can't seem to let go of what i have, to go out and find. but there isn't any intention to let go of what i have... *sigh* I was talking to laura about it tonight..its just hard for me dealing with being the "mover on" girl for steve. I mean i'm so glad he picked me as that girl and everything..but because i have SO much to live up to, cause i hear she(his ex=first love) was quite amazing, i need more reassurance from him. and i know he wants this. But i also know, that if you truly and genuinely want something, you always can do more than you're already doing.i just feel like i have so much to offer..i really do...but i can't be her. and i don't want to. I wonder if he's sitting there thinking, "this relationship is good..but something is missing"..i honestly think he's one of the greatest guys my age that i have ever met..i don't want to lose him..for all the time i can possibly have him..but i subconsciously and i don't purposely do it..just end up thinking "i don't want to bother him" so when he calls..he calls. that type of thing..i find myself backing off more, letting him pull me back, because what more can i possibly ask of him, without bugging him..so i'm trying not to think about it and i'm keeping myself busy with lots of stuff... I know i thought that i had a lot to say..but right now SO many people are IMing me and asking why i'm so "bleh" today..i guess its just because i have that tendancy to be a bitch..to always want what i think i should have, and if i dont' get it, i will put up a fight for it. But there's something i want right now. I don't even know if its more from steve..that may not be what i want..i think what i want is to lessen up on these responsibilities..this new visions program..i love my internships i really do..but i just want to be a kid and i don't want to rush off in the morning to intern, when everyone goes to school..i honestly look forward to my classes at SV cause i get to see my friends..not because of SV itself..i love the gym dance..i love being the loud mouth in health class who gets to flirt all class long with Stan (and in case kate reads this, its not FOR stan, its just that i LIVE for flirting..any guy will suffice)..even when in New Visions and i can flirt with chris, i do..just cause i love it. its so much fun, its so reassuring and anythign that makes me laugh and smile..is great. and i was thinking today..i always get like this in a relationship..well at least i did with yonder..i didn't get fully what i wanted and i just got so down and eventually he thought i was a bitch and ended it. But it wasn't all him..my parents and life were helping with that too..and i wonder, if steve was to know, which he will now, would he just be like yonder and be like "i don't want to deal with you"....and this isn't meant to make him feel guilty..at all..because i have always had family and self problems..and i just can't get this thought out of my head. is he slapping his forehead and going, "shit, my girlfriend is so messed up"...and you would find that if steve dated me over the summer, when i was away from home..i'd be top of the world happy girl without a problem in the world-permanent smile on my face..seriously..so its really not steve..the more i analyze the, more i find out. The other day i was looking through my cassette tapes and i was looking for my ani difranco tape..and i came across a tape that wasn't labeled..so i decided to pop it in, and all of a sudden i hear my voice..back in january 1998..seriously, i was 15..i hadn't had my first kiss, i was crushing SO hard on kyle..my group of girls was SO tight..i sounded so innocent and so naive and so..not knowing what was going to happen..i still thought chris taylor hated me..i had never really had guys liking me (i had just gotten my braces off and lost more weight)..and i just sat on my bed crying and listening to it..things of me saying "wow..3 more days until my 16th birthday..and i don't know, but i can't imagine how i'm gonna feel, what's going to change"...geez, FUCK-i had NO clue. its so weird to hear yourself 3 years younger..its like you can't even imagine its you, its like listening to someone else..i haven't finished listening to it yet..i can't get through it... Jessica emailed me yesterday and told me that she felt my journal was very anti-girls from camp..and i didn't mean them in a way..i mainly meant the girls i never really was friends with...it was a really really sweet letter..but i did have a VERY valid argument in the fact that in all the years i've known them, noone came to visit..and she's like "i know, i feel so awful, i'm coming over vacation"..so i don't know if thats gonna happen, cause my family is coming up. but she was the only one to confront me about it..and we have SO much to work out and catch up on and i feel awful that i have changed so much that i have neglected a lot of the people in my past...i have found myself doing it more and more..i can't help it..its so hard to juggle so many people..there's more to the whole deal. but its almost 1 in the morning and i've almost been up for 24 hours straight. i'll type up the poem and essay tomorrow.
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