Yeah, so France...

Everyone always tells Americans that the French hate Americans. This is not true. The French hate American TOURISTS, but this is understandable. I hate tourists, too. I think this impression about the French comes from their behavior on the streets. No one smiles, and the reason (I learned the hard way) is because if you smile at a stranger it's flirting bigtime, and then people follow you, and try to pick you up. It's a bad scene, so people look all fierce and stuff to discourage such harassment. People don't talk to strangers in France, or at least not in the same way that it happens in the States. Of course you can ask directions or for the time, but if the postal clerk is really slow, no communal grumbling happens (ie "Sheesh service is slow." "Yeah, can you believe it?") like it might in the States. I think the French just mind their own business to a larger degree (except of course when trying to hit on strangers) This is no proven theory, or anything, just my observations.

Things about France that I like Things about France that annoy me
1) Convenient public transportation 1) Messed up Keyboards that make typing a pain in the ass
2) Lots of Cheese 2) Everybody smokes
3) Cute little dogs everywhere 3) Dogshit all over the sidewalks
4) Movies are cheap 4) Only 6 channels on TV
5)Fashion saavy people 5) Line-dried clothes that are distinctly NOT soft
6) French radio 6) Coke's pricey
7) Comfy, squishy theater seats that put American cinemas to shame 7) Most everything is closed on Sundays
8) Lots of less mainstream movies 8) Distinct lack of rock candy
9) Abundance of crepes, Mentos, and Chupa Chups 9) Abundance of jeans that are vacuum sealed to the ass
10) Sidewalks be damned, cars park wherever the hell they want 10) Eating dinner at 8 or 9 o'clock at night


I really, really like French radio. It's so random! They play lots of songs in english that I have either never heard before, or not for ages. And which songs in english are popular is soooo funny! I bet you'd never guess the American song that I hear on the radio more than any other, but it's "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain. They play it ALL THE TIME. I kinda like the song (although being Brad Pitt would impress me!) but everytime I think "No no no! That DOESN'T impress me much. Argh!" Bad grammar...induces...rage!!! While I give Jennifer Lopez credit for knowing that her love shouldn't cost "a thing" and not "nothing" (Stop the double negative insanity, people!), unfortunately, her love don't and not doesn't cost a thing. So close, and yet so far...

They also don't edit songs, but I am never sure if they quite understand what is being said, especially in rap songs. I mean it's hard enough for me sometimes, and I'm a native speaker, but I don't think the other people on the bus would have kept a straight face had they really understood the lines "I like girls who drive stick, because they know how to handle my dick." Me, I laughed out loud. I nearly always have my walkman, and I think sometimes the people on the streets that I pass think I'm crazy, because I can't stop myself from reacting to what I hear. When I heard "Eye of the Tiger" I seriously flipped out! I screamed "Oh my God!" and then lipsynched like a mofo, scaring small children in the process, heh heh. Whatever. Anything I can do to promote the stereotype of the loud, obnoxious American I sometimes consider a sacred duty.

What's funny, though, is when the French use English that they obviously have only a tenuous grasp of in their songs/ advertisements etc. There exists in Grenoble a restaurant with a bar snack (but not a snackbar!). And there's this french ballad love song that's pretty popular right now, that's pretty and angsty, but I HATE it because at regular intervals a woman in the background whispers "fighting...through the waves..." What the HELL does that mean?!? It makes NO sense! What, she wants to go swimming, but the ocean currents are too strong?!? Everytime I hear this song, I yell at the radio and say "That makes no sense! What the hell does that mean?" My friend Sarah heard "It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To" on the radio, but translated into french and sung by a man. :) And, the other day I heard a song whose words in their entirety were "I'm a fox, BABY!... living in a box..." (The word "baby" was screeched a la James Brown). It boggles the mind.

Signs I am turning into Eurotrash Signs I am still American
1) I wear a scarf for no particular reason 1) I wear sneakes (without platform soles)
2) I have a bottle of water with me even when I'm not thirsty 2) I drink Coke, not coffee or wine
3) I now own black go-goesqe boots 3) I don't smoke
4) I walk with a grrrr face 4) I wear clothes that are even moderately baggy
5) I now think there's nothing odd about eating a butter and cheese sandwich 5) I don't linger for hours after finished eating
6) I take quick showers ("gotta save water! gotta save water!") 6) I am still slightly surprised to see naked people or hear foul language on TV
7) I send postcards in envelopes 7) I expect commercials to frequently interrupt a program
8) I constantly have a walkman 8) I talk and laugh loud
9) I now operate on 24 hour clock time 9) I don't feel the need to kiss everybody I meet
10) I now walk and keep an eye out for dogshit on the sidewalk with out even thinking about it 10) I still think that the month should come before the day when writing a date
11) I now think nothing's weird about taking your dog with you in a store, on a train, or in a restaurant 11) I'm all about miles and pounds, none of this meters and kilogram quatsch!

I don't know if it's France or just the byproduct of living in a not-tiny city, but one thing that I dislike about it here is that weird people in the street are more likely to hassle you. I have no problem most of the time because of my walkman, which is like a magic shield against the outside world and upon the event of some one hassling me, I feign ignorance of that crazy language, French. The gypsies who hang out by the post office especially annoy me, because they try to get every passerby to eat the pebbles that they try to give you, because the pebbles are good for you, of course. The pebble ladies are easily identified by their matching mint green cardigans. I am not kidding.

Oooh! I have an anecdote! The other day I called Shakin to say hi, and I was calling from a public phonebooth, and it was all well and good. Then, all of a sudden, a little swarm of little children came and surrounded the phonebooth. They started yelling at me and some of them banged on the glass and whatever they were speaking it was by no means French, and needless to say, this freaked me the fuck out! In fact, it's the most freaked out I've been in recent memory. Seriously, it was like The Birds, but with small, dirty French children. Two of them even entered the phonebooth and only giggled when I told them to get the hell out. Shakin, meanwhile, was like "what's that noise?" This only solidifies my dislike for children, so while unhappy to have received some emotional scarring, I am happy to have my antipathy for icky, icky children proved right.

TV Shows I enjoy in French     Songs I heard on French radio that made me really happy
Walker, Texas Ranger "Africa" by Toto
Remington Steele "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" by the Police
Highlander: The Raven "Born in the USA" by Bruce Springsteen
Charmed "Hold the Line" by Toto
The Sentinel "Amity" by Elliot Smith
Pretender "Suzanne" by Leonard Cohen
New York Police Blues (I swear, that's the title) "Shiny, Happy People" by R.E.M.
Dawson (no mention of the Creek) "It's My Life" by Jon Bon Jovi
Pokemon "Stuck in the Middle with You" by Steeler's Wheel
Seeing Shaft made me miss America. Isn't that weird? Especially because since Bush won, I would prefer to stay in Europe. He's just plain stupid. I don't agree with the position of Republicans on all the issues that are near and dear to my heart, but at least most Republican politicians I believe to have some degree of competence or intellect. Not so with Dubya. As an American abroad, I am often called upon to defend or explain my country. This I cannot explain.

I have more respect for Sweden, however. I think Americans like Sweden in general and I was always on that bandwagon, especially after now having real live Swedish friends. But now I have respect for Sweden because, rather than offer congratulations like most foreign governments Sweden said "Well, we are disappointed, but that is the choice of the American people, and we'll just have to make the best of it." I think Sweden and I need to go commiserate together. *sigh*

My host mother takes English classes as part of her management courses, and she had to give an oral report on Thanksgiving. I read it over to check for mistakes. There were a couple little things that I corrected, and everytime they would ask "really? are you sure?" and I'd say, yes, I'm sure. Then I got to the end of the report that said "the meal is always the same for all families- stuffed turkey and bilberries". I let the thing about all families eating always the same meal go, and I concentrated on the faulty berry. I said, oh no, we eat cranberries, not bilberries. And, they said, oh no no, the word is bilberries, and then they explained that they had looked it up in the dictionary. I was like, that's all well and good, but we still eat cranberries, and maybe the problem is that since the plant doesn't exist in France, there is no need to have a specific name for cranberries. My host father said "oh, no, "les airelles" exist in France" I agreed, yes, they do, but that doesn't that we eat bilberries for Thanksgiving! When I looked up airelle in my dictionary it said "bilberry, whortleberry, huckleberry, blueberry." I don't know about the first two berries, but I know that huckleberries and blueberries are two distinct fruits! They were still hesistant to change the word, because the theory was that bilberry was the british word, and since when Europeans learn english, they learn british english, and so it was still correct. I finally was like, well, you know, Thanksgiving is an American holiday, and since I've never even HEARD of much less eaten bilberry as part of a yearly Thanksgving tradition, the word to use is CRANberry! They eventually conceded, but I really couldn't believe how much convincing it took for them to believe me, the native English speaker who has actually celebrated Thanksgiving on an annual basis!!! The moral of the story is adults don't like to be corrected by someone who's younger in Europe any more than in the US. *ahem, dad*

It's getting to be Christmas, and I miss America. The city has Christmas lights on the streets, and the stores are decorated, but it doesn't feel Christmasy. I have not heard a single carol not sung by me and my fellow Americans. I miss Christmas lights. Everyone lives in apartments and so there's not really a way to put out Christmas lights. My host family has put up no decorations, and I don't even know if they're going to get a tree. France gets into Christmas, but it's not the same. Someone told me that no one puts up lights because they would be stolen. This someone was the lady that worked in the boulangerie where I was buying lunch. As I was ordering, I completely blanked out and paused mid-sentence, and after an awkward pause, I remembered what I wanted to eat and ordered without further incident. The lady smiled gently at me and said "French is hard, isn't it?" Ummm, yeah. We then got to talking about Christmas and stuff, and that's when she told me that vandals would steal all the lights and decorations that people put out. I answered that wouldn't happened (not as a rule, anyway) but that flamingoes and garden gnomes do tend to get stolen. Her jaw dropped at me the stupid American who had trouble ordering a ham and cheese sandwich, but who knew the words for "plastic flamingoes" and "garden gnomes." Even when it happens by accident, I like when I mess with French people's heads. Heh heh.

There is not a good equivalent for the word random in French. There's the word arbitrary, but not a word to use when you want to say "It's soooo, like, random!" I need this word, because, and I swear I am not making this up, a big hit song at the moment is "Dessine moi un mouton" which means, "Draw me a sheep!" Ummm, yeah.

Ok, last night I had Christmas dinner with my host family, and I just gotta wonder what is up with the snails. Yes, I tried escargot, and I gotta say I'm not really a fan. It's not the taste that's bad, it's the texture. They're slimy in the first place and then when you add melted butter and garlic,... kinda grossed me out. As much as I hate to admit it, though, I kinda liked foie gras, except I cannot enjoy eating it, because I saw a report on how it is produced. The poor little geese. :( My host family just bought their Christmas tree, but they haven't decorated it yet. I don't know if it's because I'm in a city, but french pine trees are, on the whole, puny. Charlie Brown's Christmas tree should come to France. It'd get an ago boost.


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