Smerboli

You and I along millions of other innocent people have been the victims of a cruel sham. It has come to my attention that one Frederick Smerlas and one Steven Balboni are actually one and the same. A friend of mine here at Whitman bought a box of old sports cards at Goodwill and while I was going through them came upon a 1989 Topps Steve Balboni and a 1989 Topps Fred Smerlas. I was immediately struck by how similar the two men were and soon realized that they could have been twins. They shared the same plethora of body hair, had beefy forearms, sloping criminal brows, and after even closer inspection I realized that they also both loved trying to run over prostitutes in their cars because "they like to see them try and run in their tight dresses and high heels" (By a Nose p 23). Both Smerlas and Balboni even were born in the same year 1957, and are the same height 6' 3" (those facts are actually true). The weights are different (Balboni was a slim 225 and Smerlas a hefty 270) but any good athlete can fluctuate his weight at will. [Editors note: Weight differences can simply be explained by Fred being weighted with his pads on, and Balboni weighted only in his cup.] I think these facts together with the innate physical resemblance are all I need to support my case these two really being the same man Smerlboni.

Now I will take a brief time out to inform you of some of the career highlights for this newly uncovered imposter. Baseball: Career (in 1989) 231 hitter. Hit below his weight in 1987 with a 207 average (weight 225). highest average in a season (more than 100 games) 244, lowest 207 (121 games in 1987) Had 2 triples in both 1984 and 85 belying a quickness that would serve him well later on as a Buffalo Bill nose tackle. His one career stolen base came in 1985. Led the league in strike outs in 1985 with 166 and in every season of his career has more strike outs than hits. 1984 107 hits 139 SO, 1985 146 hits 166 SO, 1986 117 hits 146 SO etc... Football: #2 pick of 1979 draft by Buffalo Bill nose tackle, had 3 QB pressures in 1986, had on interception with a return of 3 yards in 1987, engaged in slap fight with then coach Chuck Knox in a dispute over money. Coincidentally both also began and ended their careers around the same time and both are from Massachusetts. Now if you combine these amazing stats it becomes clear that what we have here is the first true two sport star. Out of the way Bo Jackson sit down Deion Sanders, there's a new kid on the block.

-D. Leichman