05.21.07
Small Shaft Warnings and Spring 07 issue magically appear online.

04.22.07
After persistent nagging, web editor finally uploads the Fall 06 issue of Spike.

08.25.06
Spike website launched after months of effort.

05.05.06
Please check out our newest issue, on Swarthmore newsstands as of May 5, 2006.

05.05.06
Spike hosts a mind-blowing exhibit opening party. The exhibit, “Spike through the Ages” is on display on the second floor of McCabe Library, right by the back staircase. Highlights of the party included a warm speech from library liaison Ann Wheeler, party favors, and seven varieties of ginger ale courtesy of graduating editor John C. Williams ‘06.




Spike Magazine always welcomes feedback, whether questions, comments, or free DVDs. The best way to reach us is:
spikemagazine
[at]
gmail.com



1-900-OH-CAPTN
What Kind of Problem Drinker are You?
Spike How-to

Some older stuff from the Spike vault. Unfortunately, the authors of these articles are either dissipated or dead so we can’t reach them.
         --Jon, Managing Editor


1-900-OH-CAPTN

Welcome to the Walt Whitman phone sex hotline, where all your dirtiest literary fantasies come true—in verse. In just moments you’ll be connected with the sexy old man himself, reciting the hottest selections of his poetry, chosen especially to suit the caller’s desires. Let “Song of Myself” become song of yourself, too, and you’ll be letting out barbaric yawps until dawn. And yes, the rumors are true: his beard is huge.

Caller: What are you wearing?
Whitman: My deer-skin leggings. (329)
Caller: So rugged…I like rugged men.
Whitman: Washes and razors for foofoos—for me freckles and a bristling beard. (458)
Caller: Oh yeah. Are you turned on right now?
Whitman: I hear the voice of my little captain. (914)
We must have a turn together—I undress—hurry me out of sight of the land;
Cushion me soft, rock me in billowy drowse; (445-6)
Undrape! you are not guilty to me, nor stale, nor discarded. (137)
Caller: Ok, I’m taking off my leggings too, baby…Ok.
Whitman: It is middling well as far as it goes,—But is that all? (1022)
Caller: Hey!
Whitman: What is a man, anyhow? What am I? What are you? (383)
Caller: I, uh—you’re a big, sexy man, and I want you to—
Whitman: I dote on myself—there is that lot of me, and all so luscious; (546)
The scent of these arm-pits, aroma finer than prayer; (521)
I find no sweeter fat than sticks to my own bones. (393)
Caller: Hey man, what about me? I’m paying $3.99 a minute for this!
Whitman: I do not say these things for a dollar.    (1244)
The clock indicates the moment—but what does eternity indicate? (1134)
Caller: [dial tone]
Whitman: O I am wonderful!  (542)

 

Caller: Hi…um, I’ve never done this before, so…
Whitman: Stop this day and night with me, and you shall possess the origin of all poems. (25)
Caller: Oh, wow. Okay. So, um, I have this fantasy about, you know, animals. Horses.
Whitman: This hour I tell things in confidence;
 I might not tell everybody, but I will tell you.  (379-80)
Caller: You mean you feel the same way?
Whitman: I stand and look at them long and long (684).
Picking out here one that I love, and now go with him on brotherly terms.
A gigantic beauty of a stallion, fresh and responsive to my caresses,
Head high in the forehead, wide between the ears,
Limbs glossy and supple, tail dusting the ground,
Eyes full of sparkling wickedness—ears finely cut, flexibly moving.
His nostril dilate, as my heels embrace him;
His well-built limbs tremble with pleasure, as we race around and return.
I but use you a moment, then I resign you, stallion.   (698-705)
Caller: Oh, oh my god, oh that was so hot!
Whitman: I think I could turn and live with animals, they are so placid and self-contain’d (683)
Caller: Oh, well, I just want to have sex with them.
Whitman: Not I—not any one else, can travel that road for you,
You must travel it for yourself.  (1207-8)

 

Caller: Hello?
Whitman: Say, old Top-knot! what do you want? (987)
Caller: I need a large pizza, half sausage, half mushroom, and an order of breadsticks with—
Whitman: Come now, I will not be tantalized—you conceive too much of articulation. (566)
What is commonest, cheapest, nearest, easiest, is Me. (250)
Caller: Wait, is this Pizza Palace?
Whitman: Walt Whitman am I, a Kosmos, of mighty Manhattan the son,
Turbulent, fleshy and sensual, eating, drinking and breeding. (493-4)
Through me forbidden voices;
Voice of sexes and lusts—voices veil’d, and I remove the veil;
Voices indecent, by me clarified and transfigur’d. (512-14)
Caller: So you’re like some kind of dirty poet? That’s creepy, dude—like you ever get laid.
Whitman: My lovers suffocate me!
Crowding my lips, thick in the pores of my skin,
Jostling me through streets and public halls—coming naked to me at night. (1169-71)
Caller: Sure, whatever, man.
Whitman: Twenty-eight young men bathe by the shore;
Twenty-eight young men, and all so friendly: (191-2)
Taunt my dizzy ears, and beat me violently over the head with whip-stocks. (842)
Caller: Look, I’m not into that stuff. I just want some pizza. (Hangs up).
Whitman: Did it make you ache so, leaving me? (640) 


What Kind of Problem Drinker are You?

1. What are you most likely to do at a party?
a. Dance, grope, kiss sloppily, stage whisper.
b. Dance, yell, joke, argue—until I wander off at 3 a.m. to be alone and cry.
c. All I know is that when I woke up, my hand was covered in blood and a cop was standing over me.
 
2. Describe your figure.
a. Fairly slender, although all the cocktails have left a layer of soft, puffy flesh evenly distributed over my body.
b. I have something of a beer gut. You know, from the beer.
c. Rail thin—I can’t hold down much solid food anymore.
 
3. If you were to call an ex-lover whilst intoxicated, which of the following would you be most likely to say?
a. “Heyyyy! What is UP? You should totally come out to ------. No you totally should! My night will be so much better with you in it…”
b. “It’s me. Yeah, I’m okay…I’m sorry I haven’t called you in six months…I was just sitting here, drinking, thinking about the people I love…”
c. “Marry me. I need you, baby, marry me. What? You whore! You FUCKING WHORE!”
 
4. Do you drink on weekdays?
a. No, unless there’s an especially hot party.
b. Yeah.
c. Well, it’s Monday, and I haven’t had a drink yet—it’s Thursday? Are you sure? Shit, man.
 
5. How many days of work or class do you miss annually due to hangovers?
a. 0-2. Don’t ask me to be anywhere on Sunday before 2 p.m. , though.
b. Enough to make my boss or professors thoroughly dislike me.
c. Not applicable.
 
6. Do you partake in any other mind-altering substances?
a. Maybe ecstasy or cocaine on special occasions.
b. No. I don’t do drugs. Booze isn’t a drug.
c. Why, do you want something? I can get it for you.
 
7. Compare your drunk personality to your sober personality.
a. Drunk Me is me, but sluttier and more flirtatious.
b. Drunk Me is me, but louder and more emotional.
c. Drunk Me does horrible things that Sober Me would never, ever do. Sober Me is mild-mannered and considerate and could really use a goddamn drink.
 
8. Have you ever sustained injury because you were drunk?
a. Twisted ankles and hickeys, mostly.
b. I’ve injured myself a few times when doing stunts to entertain my friends—maybe put out a cigarette or two in my hand on a particularly bad night.
c. My insides hurt real bad all the time.
 
9. Your thoughts on the Dead Kennedys song “Too Drunk To Fuck”:
a. Too drunk for sex? Preposterous.
b. Funny, but hits a little close to home.
c. I find I have the opposite problem.
 
10. Finally, let me buy you a drink.
a. I’ll have something in a martini glass that isn’t a martini, please.
b. A beer…hell, make it whisky shots.
c. A big bottle of anything. Thank you so much, thank you, thank you.
 
RESULTS
 
Mostly A’s: You are a lush, also known as a Sex in the City drunk. You’re highly functional but you wouldn’t know what to do with yourself at a dry party. For you, alcohol is all about hedonism and glamour, and you prefer drinks that taste good. Frankly, we think you’re a sissy, but don’t let that stop you from shaking your moneymaker. Since your dependency doesn’t affect your career too much, your habits will probably remain unchanged until one day you’re sixty-five and sleazing on the cute young bartender and creeping everyone else the fuck out.
 
Mostly B’s: You are an alcoholic, the good old-fashioned kind that uses booze to drown sorrows, bolster confidence, and get sloppy and out of hand on a regular basis. You might be on thin ice in your personal and professional/academic life, but don’t call AA just yet. You might only be an A.U.G.—an alcoholic until graduation, the one who sorts his or her shit out when reality slaps him or her in his or her face. If that’s not the case, just try and take comfort in the fact that your children will one day create very moving art about how you smacked them around when they were in elementary school.
 
Mostly C’s: You are a drunk. Sweetie, we’re sorry. We’ll drop some change in your paper cup on our way to work one day. We’d let you crash at our place but you’d just pawn the DVD player and piss on the couch. Your only hope is going to jail or finding religion, and no, Buddhism doesn’t count. Enjoy your last few years of having a full set of teeth. 
 


Spike How-To

Naming pets and babies
  • First of all, do not confuse pet names with baby names. Examples of pet names: Muffin, Boo boo, Misty, Rusty, Mr. Buttons, Killer. Examples of baby names: Molly, Robert, Joe, Amber, Hortense
       (n.b.: place names are neither people names nor pet names. Examples: Troy, Paris, Montana, India, Detroit)
  • Naming your pet after a human celebrity can be a good idea (Sid Vicious, Tolstoy, Grover Cleveland, Beyoncé), but naming a pet after a famous animal (Lassie, Milo, Otis, Tigger, Nemo) just shows unoriginality
  • Are you torn between a hippie name (Rivers, Luna, Yes, Aurora, Patchouli) and a yuppie name (Madison, Alston, Grayson, Harrison, Dawson) for your baby? Then you shouldn’t be reproducing anyway, you tool.
  • It is best to avoid exceedingly common names (Sarah, Emily, David, John) because an unfortunate identifying modifier may become attached.

    • Examples
    1. “So Katie called me last night…”
        “Hot Katie?”
        “No, non-hot Katie.”
    2. “Is Metallica Mike still selling?”
     
  • Those who are minimalists or just lazy may prefer to simply refer to their dog as “Dog” or their cat as “The Cat.” This is never inappropriate and also conveniently clues in potential romantic partners to what a cold, emotionally distant person you are.
  • Biblical names convey both righteousness and power to smite. Think Old Testament (Nehemiah, Enoch, Bathsheba, Issachar).
  • If you add/change letters in a boring name, it will magically become lots cooler! (Krystal, Kathrynne, Jäymz.)

Weight Loss
  • Stop eating. Alternatives to food: Coffee, diet coke, speed, cigarettes, Buddhism
  • For those moments of weakness when your resolve fails, make sure you have on-hand a toothbrush with a smooth, slightly rounded handle that won’t irritate your uvula.
  • Go to the gym twice a day. Never change out of your gym clothes, even to go to dinner or the library. Mention that you just were/are about to go to the gym as much as possible. Ask everyone you talk to if they want to “hit the gym” later.
  • Move to a third world country.
  • If you must consume alcohol, work off the calories with frenetic dancing and wild sex with strangers.
  • Get a job involving manual labor.
  • Save the money you would have spent on food—you’ll need to stock up on breath mints and Crest Whitestrips™. After all that coffee, vomit, and tobacco, you’re going to have one majorly rank orifice.

    •